This weekend, as usual, I stayed in and watched re-runs of MTV’s newezt zketch comedy zhow: Nick Cannon Presents…Short Circuitz. If you don’t know what Short Circuitz iz, it’s a sketch comedy show hosted by Nick Cannon, who is not a comedian, featuring an ensemble cast of people who should kill themselves*. The result is maybe my favorite thing to watch on television.

The best thing about this show, aside from the celebrity cameos (Celebrity Fit Club host, Ant, to give one super gay example), is its groundbreaking usage of a new interactive feature called “View and Spew.” What View and Spew does is allow a viewer to watch an episode of Short Circuitz, and at the same time, email their comments to MTV about that Short Circuitz for the chance to have that comment posted on-screen in future broadcasts of that particular Short Circuitz! You know, VIEW and SPEW. Get it? Not only is View and Spew technology like a dream come true, it’s also like a paradigm shift in television history. Only if paradigm shifts went backwards and dreams were the opposite of what they actually are. 

Here are some personal favorites:

Truer words have never been spewed. (That sketch was about a white woman craving black cock.)

“Itz so funny wenn U put kittys in da micrawave, but den itz sooo sad!” - MasterBlastah

“I…just don’t like to think.”- phattee2005

Me too!!!

Nick Cannon’s talents: Getting TV shows, buying hoodies, and not getting aborted.

That last joke may have been a bit harsh. But not really, when you consider that Nick Cannon’s last music video was for a song called “Can I Live,” which is a ballad about how awesome he was at not getting aborted. Seriously. Here, watch it:

And, again, in Sims form:

 * = except for Katt Williams, who is a talent.

This just in!

Dateline, Japan: Lambs are not poodles.

A company on the internet sold thousands of lambs to unsuspecting Japanese people thinking they were buying poodles.

“Look at all the puppiez!!!”

From Metro.co.uk:

The scam was only spotted after a leading Japanese actress said her ‘poodle’ didn’t bark and refused to eat dog food.

The actress hasn’t worked in months, she says, because her dog gave her foot and mouth disease.

Poodles are famously used by the rich and glamorous on the continent but are extremely rare in Japan, with many people having little idea what they look like.

I’m working on my own Japanese e-commerce website as we speak.

AND IN OTHER NEWS…

Ever wonder what Steven Hawking would look like in zero gravity? (Spoiler alert: Like a big floppy mess!) Check the video for some guilt-ridden LOLz!

Hugh Grant has gone off the deep end!

From BBC.com:

Hugh Grant has been arrested over an allegation he attacked a photographer in London, before throwing a tub of food at him.

Wait. A tub??! Of…food?!!?

Does that mean something in England? Because, to me, both of those things are very general terms that mean almost nothing when put together.

Are people in England just eating their breakfast, reading the newspaper, and suddenly like:

“Gee willickers! Did you read the article about Hugh Grant, my Love? He’s a complete loon, that one. He accosted a paparazzo with food!”
“You don’t say! How much food exactly?”
“The reporter claims at least a tub was thrown.”
“A tub? A full tub? Goodness, I hope he was arrested.”
“He certainly was.”
“Splendid. Rightly so. Tubs of food are not to be thrown, for they are stationary tubs.”
“Here, here! Well said. Well said, indeed.” 

Here are some pictures of the incident. (NSFW 4 Brutal Violence)

“Eat this, motherfucker!…No, seriously. Eat it. It’s food. It’s a tub of food.”

Holy shit! Is that guy okay? He came within a yard of being kicked! And those look like steel-toe New Balances.

(Just look how lame a country is when it has gun control.)

For reezies though, Hugh Grant looks like a maniac. This reminds me of that time when he got caught trying to fuck a black tranny prostitute…only crazier!

Want proof John McCain won’t ever be president? Watch him take orders from a snarky Jew:

SIT DOWN!

 I could watch that for hours.

I wonder if forty years ago, when the Vietcong were sticking bamboo shoots up his pee-hole, John McCain ever thought to himself:

“Someday, I’m going to make it back to America and run for president. First, I’ll work for years and years to become a well-liked and respected Senator, so that when I do eventually decide to run, I’ll be far and away the most qualified candidate in the field. THEN, for no logical reason, I’ll derail my campaign by being the most uncompromisingly dillusional proponent for a mismanaged urban war eerily similar to the one I’m being tortured in right now.”

I wonder if he thought that! I do!

Politics are hilarious.

The whole interview is here:

McCain =

= tragic irony

I saw a huge billboard for this movie when I was in L.A.:

At the time, I assumed it was for a fake movie being referenced in a future episode of Entourage. But I just saw the same poster in Times Square today, which means Next is an actual thing.

Look at that poster. What’s going on there? Nothing means anything. 

I wish I was there for the pitch:

“Okay, so this one is called ‘Next.’”
“Good title. What’s the tag?”
“‘If you can see the future, you can save it.’”
“Nice. Good tag. Because I can’t, so I won’t, yet I want to, so I’m curious.”
“Exactly. That’s the point. And we want to cast three actors who shouldn’t ever be in the same movie.”
“Smart.”
“The hero should be a creepy old guy, we’re thinking Cage.”
“You’re telling me Nicky Cage can see the future in this movie?”
“Yes.”
“But how do we know that?”
“Because his right eye is all twinkly.”
“Got it.”
“Then we’ll get two women as co-stars. One who is old and respected, and one who is young and has a ton of cleavage.” 
“Great. Make sure the old one wears a windbreaker”
“For sure. No question.”
“Sounds great. I’m really excited.”
“I’m excited you’re excited!”
“What’s it about, again?”
“I don’t know, lava or something? We’ll figure it out in post.”
“Go for it, bro. Here’s a hundred million dollars.”

(more…)

@ Rififi: 332 E. 11th Street, between 1st and 2nd Aves.
$5

The Rejection Show “The Best of Miscellaneous Rejections Vol. 1″

@ UCB Theater NY: 307 W. 26th Street at 8th Ave.
$5?

@ Rififi: 332 E. 11th St. between 1st and 2nd Aves.
$5

@ Parkside Lounge: 317 E. Houston, between Ave B & C
Free? I think?