The more I fight it, the worse it gets. I’m becoming such a New York Jew.

Case in point: I bought a New York Knicks hat this weekend. I don’t even like the Knicks (in fact, the almost-but-not-really dream team of Ewing, Oakley, Starks, etc. was probably my least favorite anything of the Nineties). No, I got the hat because it was only $4.50.

Then I talked the dude down to $3.75.

Beeteedubz, Happy passover!

I’m sad youtube didn’t exist when I was in high school.

Some friends, my girlfriend, and I went to my parent’s house for Passover seder, and the entire dinner conversation was this:
“There is no archaeological proof Jews were even in Egypt.”
“Seriously. Jews weren’t slaves.”
“Can you imagine a bunch of Jews building a pyramid?”
“Building anything.”
“Ikea furniture.”
“We didn’t build the pyramids. Maybe we designed them, but we didn’t build them.”
“You’re upsetting your mother.”

Speaking of Seders, don’t you wish someone would make the movie Twister, but with the ten biblical plagues?

I haven’t been this excited for a Hilary Swank movie since:

Cut to: ten years later, winner of 2 Oscars.

Get it, gurrrl!

I stood in line for 10 hours for that signature. True story.

Hilary Swank is so tight. I wish I could bottle her up. Like, her scent. I want to know what it’s like to smell Hilary Swank. Then I want to take that knowledge and bottle it, so I could smell like Hilary Swank forever and ever. “Swank Scent.” That’s what I’d call it! 

Or “Insolence.” That’s a good name too…

Wait, “Insolence?” Like, as in “to be insolent?” As in, what? Do you speak English?

Insolence is not an attractive quality. Or even an SAT word. Do you even know what it means? No? Well…it’s like…having a horse face. It’s like having a horse face and, despite the horse face, trying to make people think you’re beautiful. That’s what insolence is.

So is attacking Hilary Swank for no reason, I guess.

This one’s a draw.

Run away now, Hilary. But remember, we’re not finished.

Click on that for the full LOL effect. Bitch is fo-kissed! I heard she’s training for her next role as a retarded lesbian decathlete who teaches minority rape victims how to read through the power of music. Just give her the Oscar, people.

But, on the realz, check our the reason I plan on staying alive through 2009: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443272/.

Are you kidding me?! Spielberg AND Neeson? I just hope that for historical accuracy/curiosity DKG can get Spee-berg to pull a Boogie Nights and show some presidential c.o.c.k. at the end. 

Callback! I’m a pro at this.

In case you’re interested, yesterday Gawker.com asked me to make fun of this French woman’s vagina. And that’s exactly what I did. You can read it here.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 5th, 2007 at 7:19 am and is filed under History, Hollywood, Judaism. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.