Finally, we found out the answer to the question America’s been dying to know: Who impregnated that illiterate drug-addicted skank before she fatally overdosed on a thousand different kinds of painkillers?

And the winner is…THIS GUY!

JACKPOT!

Science is 99.99999% positive that Larry Birkhead, above, was the one who fucked a clinically sad, borderline retarded human being without a condom.

P-I-M-P. ($20 says she wasn’t even awake for it.)

Yesterday’s press conference–
Larry Birkhead: “WOOooOOoooOO! I’m going to Disneyworld!!!”
Reporter: “Is that the first place you plan on taking your daughter?”
Larry Birkhead: “Daughter?”

I’m just glad this guy wasn’t the father:

Because then this story would be sad.

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