I saw a huge billboard for this movie when I was in L.A.:

At the time, I assumed it was for a fake movie being referenced in a future episode of Entourage. But I just saw the same poster in Times Square today, which means Next is an actual thing.

Look at that poster. What’s going on there? Nothing means anything. 

I wish I was there for the pitch:

“Okay, so this one is called ‘Next.’”
“Good title. What’s the tag?”
“‘If you can see the future, you can save it.’”
“Nice. Good tag. Because I can’t, so I won’t, yet I want to, so I’m curious.”
“Exactly. That’s the point. And we want to cast three actors who shouldn’t ever be in the same movie.”
“Smart.”
“The hero should be a creepy old guy, we’re thinking Cage.”
“You’re telling me Nicky Cage can see the future in this movie?”
“Yes.”
“But how do we know that?”
“Because his right eye is all twinkly.”
“Got it.”
“Then we’ll get two women as co-stars. One who is old and respected, and one who is young and has a ton of cleavage.” 
“Great. Make sure the old one wears a windbreaker”
“For sure. No question.”
“Sounds great. I’m really excited.”
“I’m excited you’re excited!”
“What’s it about, again?”
“I don’t know, lava or something? We’ll figure it out in post.”
“Go for it, bro. Here’s a hundred million dollars.”

Note: I think movies are shot after the posters are made.

If you really want to know more about the movie, go to www.nextmovie.com. But, if you’d like, I can just go ahead and tell you what the movie is about myself, using the pictures from its website.

The movie begins in a diner, where Nicholas Cage casually drinks a martini before shitting his pants.

Cage leaves a sizable tip and flees to the desert in shame. Suddenly, he senses danger using special glands in his enormous forehead.

 He runs. 

 Julianne Moore runs as well.

Nicholas Cage yells: “I can see the future! I can save it!” Other people start shooting guns.

Julianne Moore stops and asks, “What are we shooting at?”

“Barrels!” Cage replies, “I hate barrels!”

Then there’s an unrelated slow-motion montage of Jessica Biel playing sand tennis in a bikini.

And then, in the closing seconds, Nicholas Cage gets a brutal Pap smear to save America.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 24th, 2007 at 11:16 am and is filed under Hollywood. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.