Still awaiting trial for multiple counts of child pornography, (the man quickly becoming my favorite) singer R. Kelly released his eighth full-length studio album this week, entitled “Double Up.”

Question: How many platinum-selling albums does a dude have to release before people chill out and start letting him have sex with girls born in the 1990’s???

Diggin’ the bejeweled glasses, Kellz.

There’s one song on Double Up in particular that’s been getting a lot of attention (from me). It’s called “The Zoo,” and it’s basically “Sex Weed” meets Planet Earth. The result is, as expected, unbefuckinglievable. (Although, it is a bit derivative, if you want to be nit-picky about it.)

Listen to it here:

“The Zoo” by R. Kelly

Seriously, every line in that song is a simile. Was that a 6th grade creative writing assignment or something? It must have been. I bet he offered to finish the English homework belonging to some girl in middle school in exchange for a hardcore terrarium gettin’-peed-on session.

THEN he decided to make it a song.

Kellz’ a genius, son.

“So you learning about similes, girl? Oh, they’s easy. Look, I’ll start by saying how…me and you…we like monkeys, right? Because we swing on the vines and shit. And here I’ll say you’re wet like a rain forest. That’s perfect. Oh! And I’m like a Sexosaurus!”

“Can I go home now?”

This is the homework assignment he turned in (click to enlarge (it’s worth it)):

Some people are freaking out over the news that Russia tested a new ICBM missile yesterday. The missile is said to be capable of piercing the US missile defense system. The concern is this might start an arms race between the two countries and blah blah blah World War 3.

Honestly, an arms race with Russia doesn’t scare me. We all know how the last one went down.

When it comes to things about Russia that scare me, I’d have to go with the article in last week’s Newsweek about Vladimir Putin’s growing army of brainwashed militants.

The Kremlin has rolled out its newest weapon in the drive to reclaim Russia’s bygone regional dominance: a shadowy youth movement known as Nashi…

I’m sorry? Did you just say “Nashi”?

New recruits to Nashi are given basic military training and can graduate to the black-uniformed street patrols of the Nashi Police or the fledgling Nashi Army…

That’s funny. I could have sworn you just said Russia has a rogue police force and an army of Nashis.

Nashi volunteers visited local schools to show a film titled “Lessons in Courage.” It opens with footage of a vast Nashi meeting of young people wearing identical white T shirts marked with a big red star…

So, you’re saying these Nashis, they like to have rallies wherein they all dress in identical clothing emblazoned with a large red symbol? That’s weird.

Next came shots of Putin juxtaposed with photos of a noble-looking wolf, followed by images of rats. “Putin is a lonely wolf surrounded by rats,” Panchenko told the schoolkids. “Russia has become too corrupt. It is time to change things, time for stronger leaders—like us.”

Oh, okay, never mind. I was mistaken. The Nashis aren’t scary. They’re just an obedient Army of Aryan zealots who think of themselves as exterminators and want to bring their once powerful country back to its former glory. And they think of their leader as a noble wolf. And they patrol the streets in black uniforms in search of traitors. What’s wrong with that? Sounds like a party, actually. Like one huge Nashi party.  

Nashis are web-savvy too. Last week, they got mad at Estonian officials who tore down a statue of a Soviet soldier, so in retribution, they overloaded Estonia’s computer system with billions of spam emails.

Massive onslaughts of spam brought down the Web sites of government agencies, banks and news services and paralyzed large parts of Estonia’s cyber-reliant economy. NATO sent emergency Internet security assistance to defend the embattled member state.

Wait. The UN has Internet peacekeepers?

That dude saved Darfur (in EverQuest).

$20 says the Nashis will destroy us all.

Flying Carpet @ Mo Pitkins
34 Ave A
NYC , NY
Cost: $3

The Best of The Rejection Show @ UCB NY
307 W. 26th St
NYC , NY
Cost: $5

Carolines: 1626 Broadway
NYC , NY
Cost: $8

This weekend I discovered my new favorite TV show:

Man vs. Wild is a Discovery Channel program that teaches viewers how to survive in uninhabited parts of the world if you are a completely insane English person.

Here are two reasons to watch this show.

This:

And this:

What a lunatic. And that’s just from one episode.

His name is Bear, by the way. (As in: a bear.)

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Totally J/K
Rififi: 332 E. 11th Street
8pm, $5

So come to this after you enjoy today’s sunshine…

SUNSHINE!!!

(thanks to Nick for the Zach Attack)

When it comes to people constantly dissing France, I’d have to agree with Bill Maher:

But sometimes France actually deserves it.

Like when they give Nick Cannon the “Breakthrough Actor” award at the Cannes Film Festival. You know, for his powerful and memorable portrayal of some black dude in the powerful and memorable Emilio Estevez biopic Bobby. Remember that? When Nick Cannon totally broke through after that movie Bobby came out? Everyone was talking about it.

Nick Cannon? France, seriously, this is inexcusable. Even in a country full of pompous, frog-eating, chain-smoking cowards who take aspirin with their butt holes, this shouldn’t happen.

Don’t they have IMDB in France? Don’t they know Nick Cannon has already had a handful of breakthrough performances? Who could forget Roll Bounce? How about Drumline, people? Or his masterful voice work in 2004’s animated hit Garfield? Not to mention how he’s earned the title “the new king of improv.”

Every single day, I look up to the sky and thank God that Nick Cannon wasn’t aborted. Because, if his mother was French, he so would have been RU486′ed. No question.

This is Nick Cannon’s entire bio on Wikipedia:

They forgot “France thinks he’s amazing.”

Fantastique!

Oh, and speaking of gang signs…

When I was in High School in Minnesota, there were a bunch of rival gangs. My favorite was by far the Gangster Disciples (G.D.s for short) because this was their gang sign:

Seriously. A Star of David…with pitchforks coming out of it.

Every bathroom stall at my school looked like this:

It was literally the only place in the world where you’d catch yourself wondering, “Hmmm…I wonder who did that graffiti? A real-life gang member or an artistic Jew?”

The best part about it was that all the G.D. gang members wore big Jewish Stars around their necks. Proudly. It was amazing. Baggy clothes, neck tattoos, and a Star of David swinging from their chains. I don’t know how many Judaica stores those dudes robbed, but they were decked out in some of the finest temple gift shop items money could buy. (Or not buy, obvz.)

Wait, no. I take that back. The best part was definitely the behavior of rival gangs. Because the rival gangs only knew Stars of David in the context of gang warfare. So, for a while, little Jewish kids all over the Twin Cities kept getting beaten up because retarded gang members were mistaking them for G.D.’s.

Believe me, that was a scary time in my life. Most the kids I knew traded in their stars for chais. Nothing was more frightening to me than the thought of being mistaken for a G.D.

“Hey! You a G.D., nigga? I’mma fuck you up!”

“Someone cap dat G.D. before he gets into orbit!”

“Yo! Fuck that cat up! He a G.D.!”

“Why the G.D.’s always gotta have the best Air Force in the world, son?”

Citgo’s new ad campaign is so Roc La Familia.

Flagrant plagiarism. Jay-Z should sue Citgo for infringement. Just like last year, when former pro wrestler Diamond Dallas Page sued Jay-Z over the hand sign.

DDP: the originator, none greater.

From Wikipedia:

Page is commonly associated with the “Diamond Cutter” symbol, also referred to as a “Self High Five” - a hand gesture made by joining the thumbs and index fingers on each hand to form a diamond shape, then parting the two hands in one swift motion. He created the symbol in 1996 and later copyrighted it.

Also from Wikipedia:

In his autobiography, Have a Nice Day, Mick Foley details an incident that occurred while he and Stone Cold Steve Austin were travelling with Page. Irritated by Page’s constantly upbeat attitude, the two determined to make Page lose his composure. After a number of attempts, the two found success by placing ground cookies on Page’s hotel room bed, and when Page got into bed, hilarity ensued.

“HILARITY ENSUED.”

He’s just sampled it.

That hand sign isn’t looking so good.

Blood pressure falling…

…we’re losing him…

Get the defibrillator! We lost its pulse…

Too late, it’s gone. Time of death: whenever that happened.

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