Still awaiting trial for multiple counts of child pornography, (the man quickly becoming my favorite) singer R. Kelly released his eighth full-length studio album this week, entitled “Double Up.”

Question: How many platinum-selling albums does a dude have to release before people chill out and start letting him have sex with girls born in the 1990’s???

Diggin’ the bejeweled glasses, Kellz.

There’s one song on Double Up in particular that’s been getting a lot of attention (from me). It’s called “The Zoo,” and it’s basically “Sex Weed” meets Planet Earth. The result is, as expected, unbefuckinglievable. (Although, it is a bit derivative, if you want to be nit-picky about it.)

Listen to it here:

“The Zoo” by R. Kelly

Seriously, every line in that song is a simile. Was that a 6th grade creative writing assignment or something? It must have been. I bet he offered to finish the English homework belonging to some girl in middle school in exchange for a hardcore terrarium gettin’-peed-on session.

THEN he decided to make it a song.

Kellz’ a genius, son.

“So you learning about similes, girl? Oh, they’s easy. Look, I’ll start by saying how…me and you…we like monkeys, right? Because we swing on the vines and shit. And here I’ll say you’re wet like a rain forest. That’s perfect. Oh! And I’m like a Sexosaurus!”

“Can I go home now?”

This is the homework assignment he turned in (click to enlarge (it’s worth it)):

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 31st, 2007 at 12:53 pm and is filed under Pedophilia, Sex Weed, Various Animals. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.