Earlier today, on my way back to work from lunch, I got stopped on the sidewalk by a lesbian holding a clipboard.

This was our interaction:

Lesbian: Excuse me, do you have a couple minutes for Gay Rights?
Me: No, I don’t. Sorry.
Lesbian: (angrily) Good one.
Me: Good one?
Lesbian: (yelling) Just get AWAY from me!

Still don’t know what that was about. But, in any case, I’d like to dedicate this song to her. It was on Power 97 last night.

 (Click to hear.)

Former Creed front man and Christian rock bad boy, Scott Stapp, was arrested yesterday on domestic assault charges at his home in Boca Raton, Florida.

Yikes! Look at those mean eyes. And the way his muscle T prominently shows off his tribal crucifix tattoo? Oh man, Stapp is a beast! I wouldn’t even think about messing with a dude like that. Domestic assault? Forget it. I bet he decimated his wife. I bet he caved her face in. I bet–

“No one was injured and no one was taken to the hospital,” a Sheriff’s Office spokesman.

Can you say “instant street cred”?

Here’s Scott Stapp meeting his cellmate:

“Hey, you’re that guy from Creed, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. Big frickin’ whoop.”
“What are you doing in prison, man?”
“A frickin’ domestic assault charge.”
“Oh, so you beat your wife?”
“Nope. Didn’t even come close.”

That’s his wife. You can tell she doesn’t regret a single decision she’s made in the last two years.

Stapp fact: Scott Stapp was arrested for public intoxication at the airport on the way to his honeymoon. Months later, that poor woman had his baby.

Imagine if this was your husband: 

I bet she called the cops yesterday because she just realized she had a baby with Scott Stapp. Not only is that a form of domestic assault in itself, it’s also at least two counts of manslaughter, because her life is over and so is their daughter’s.

Stapp Fact: Scott Stapp was featured on the Passion of the Christ soundtrack. He was also beaten up in a hotel lobby by the band 311.

Seriously, how do you get arrested in Boca Raton, Florida for almost-but-not-quite beating your wife? That’s so embarrassing.

You know who else lives in Boca Raton, Florida? My grandma, Mimi.

This is Mimi, next to her doppelganger, Carol Channing:

Granted, she is a bit frail, and usually has a ton of turquoise jewelry weighing her down, but I know for a fact that Mimi would land at least one solid punch before getting arrested for domestic assault. (Charges were eventually dropped.)

In conclusion, my Mimi could kick the shit out of Scott Stapp.

And…my sister looks like Raven Symone.

A 77 year-old grandmother in China finally went to a doctor last week, after spending the last 63 years with a nagging headache.

So, she goes to the hospital, and…

Doctors sent the woman for an x-ray to find out the cause and were amazed to find…a rusty bullet lodged in her brain.

[She] recalled she was shot in 1943 during World War Two by the invading Japanese army.

The war wound was forgotten until surgeons plucked the rusty bullet from her skull.

The black stuff is rust. Iron oxide-hydroxide. From the antique bullet lodged in her brain. 

I now bring you:

Part 1: The Apartment

“Someone help me. Please. My head hurts so much.”
“Where does it hurt, Grandma?”
“Right about where the bullet hole in my head is.”
“Seriously, maybe you should go to the doc–”
“As I’ve told you for 63 years, I’m not going to the doctor. This pain isn’t anything that a little rhino horn or shark penis can’t fix.”
“Get in the car, Grandma.”
“Car?”

Part 2: The Hospital

“Mrs. Guangying. Before I begin your examination, I just need to know a few things.”
“OK.”
“Do you have any family history of heart disease or stroke?”
“No.”
“How about high cholesterol?”
“No.”
“Any allergies at all?”
“No.”
“Do you have a hard time sleeping at night?”
“A little.”
“Have you ever been…shot in the head?”
“Only once. But that was years ago.”

The End.

Here’s her son:

5:36 PM Lou: Our koi pond is full of tiny tadpoles again. The frog was back last week, encouraging a female to join him in infanticide.

5:37 PM me: thats a cheery way of looking at it

5:38 PM Lou: Cheery for the fish - they think it is a massive protien buffet.

R. Kelly is so tight.

In a recent interview, he told Hip Hop Soul Magazine (and its 7 subscribers):

“I’m the Ali of today. I’m the Marvin Gaye of today. I’m the Bob Marley of today. I’m the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now.”

Finally (finally!) people are starting to realize that R. Kelly is the Martin Luther King of today.

(At first I was going to Photoshop the “Chocolate Factory” album, but then I realized that would be racist.)

Frankly, R. Kelly comparing himself to Martin Luther King is a little ridiculous. I mean, MLK never wrote a song about sex weed. Or the Virginia Tech shootings. Plus, Dr. King had dreams but did nothing with them. Kelly, on the other hand,  takes his dreams and makes them a reality. And if happens to be that dream where he’s peeing on the chest of a teenage girl in some kind of penthouse terrarium, so be it.

Seriously though, what a difference a few years make. Remember back in ‘03, when Kellz was first accused of owning child pornography? Back then he felt a lot less like MLK. In fact, he said:

“Osama bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I’m going through.”

(click on that pic to hear the LOLiest song ever.)

Maybe R. Kelly is just a really, really bad Dennis Miller. Or vice versa.

Continuing on the R. Kelly tip, yesterday the New York Magazine website posted this question:

My guess is no. But, if that was a TV show, I’d def watch the shit out of it.

The Washington Times is reporting that New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is prepared to spend up to a billion dollars of his own money if and when he decides to enter the 2008 presidential race as an independent candidate.

$1 billion dollars. And not a cent more.

Here’s the campaign poster:

A divorced billionaire Jew running for president. That shouldn’t scare too many people. He might as well make Flava Flav his running mate.

Although, truthfully, I think a billion dollars might just be enough money to win over some unlikely voters. Like a couple of farmers having a beer after a long day’s work.

“You know, I’ll tell you this, I don’t trust the Jews. And I think New York City is a filthy place full of queers. And I know he wants to kill babies and all that. But, gee whiz, if a man wants to spend a billion dollars of his own money to be President, then that’s gotta tell you somethin’.”
“MmmmHmmmm”
“Hoo-wee! That Jew must really want it bad! A billion dollars? That’s nine zeroes right there!”
“Mmmhmmm.”
“If I had a billion dollars, I wouldn’t be no Jewish president, I’ll to you that much. No, I’d have me a swimming pool full of Coors, a KFC right there in the shed, and my very own Nascar track made of solid gold and black diamonds.”
“Get ‘er done.” 

Bloomberg has over $700,000 worth of whimsical yarmulkes.

Best quote in the article:

“Bloomberg is H. Ross Perot on steroids”

You know who else is Ross Perot on steroids? Any billionaire over three feet tall.

On a similar note, I read that Al Franken is trailing incumbent Norm Coleman by 22 points in the battle to be the Jewish Senator of Minnesota.

I don’t know how much it’ll help, but I’d like to go on the record and officially endorse Al Franken in his bid for Senator. As a crabby Jewish comedian from Minnesota, I can’t think of anyone more qualified to be a US Senator than another crabby Jewish comedian from Minnesota.

Not to mention that Norm Coleman is an evil snake and his son is a little fucking punk. True story.  

While on the set for her new movie Mad Money, actress Katie Holmes brought the entire cast and crew cupcakes as a special treat.

Word is she helped decorate them too.

In this week’s New Yorker, Lauren Collins writes an amazing feature article about the elusive urban artist known only as “Banksy.” For those of you out of the loop, Banksy has become the most famous graffiti artist in the world, but has also remained completely anonymous in the process. His artwork is auctioned off at places like Christies, some selling for hundreds of thousands of dollars. No one knows what he looks like or where he lives. He has vowed to keep his identity a secret and never reveal his face.

But, as they say, you should never say never. Or, rather, I shouldn’t. What I mean is…I take it all back. It’s me.

I’M BANKSY. 

There. I said it. I’m super tight at urban art. Get over it. 

Me.

All me.

See what I did there? With the thing?

Me. Me. Me. I’m the fucking best.

Why now, you ask? Because it’s time, that’s why. The world should know me by my true self: Banksy. I am Banksy. It feels good just to type it.

So from now on, please make all Banksy-related checks out to me, Joe Mande. You can write “Banksy” in the memo section if you want. Thanks.

My fans are the best,

Joe “Banksy” Mande

P.S.: I just retired. As of right now. So, I’m not really going to make art again, like, ever. Sorry, I think it’s played out. But remember, if you see other Banksies from now on, just know that they are fraudulent and that I, Joe Mande, am the tightest stenciler ever and deserve a ton of money. Thanks again for all the support.

OMG! Fort Dix was almost attacked! 

Six alleged terrorists were arrested last night for their plot to infiltrate and attack Fort Dix.

Seriously how scary is that? Terrorists! In America! Trying to blow up our Dix! Why haven’t the terror alert colors changed? What’s going on?

The six are from the former Yugoslavia…

…they trained in the Poconos Mountains…

…they played paintball…

…the individuals are “hardly hard core terrorists,” one law enforcement source said….

…”not the type that made the hair on the back of your neck stand up.”

Wait. Are you kidding me? Nerd terrorists? Like, an actual revenge of the nerds?

That makes this dude America. (Which I guess he sort of is, foreign policy-wise.) 

I seriously can’t wait to see the mugshots. $20 says one of them is wearing a Vote For Pedro shirt.

At least 50% of their TiVo is G4 programming.

One of the sources said there is a video and an audiotape of the planning.

The video:

The audiotape:

(All midi files of TV theme songs.)