For every major American tragedy, there is an artist who steps up and writes a song that captures the moment, helping us all cope with the profound feelings of loss and devastation. 9-11 had Bruce Springsteen, Hurricane Katrina had U2 & Green Day, and now Virginia Tech has R&B superstar R. Kelly.

R. Kelly, who is an alleged (alleged=video taped) child-molester (molester=used as a toilet), felt moved to compose his tribute after watching the terrible events unfold on TV two weeks ago.

You can listen to the “inspirational” song here: 

My mistake. That’s a different song he wrote called “Sex Weed,” which is about having sex that is so good it’s exactly like smoking weed!!! Sex weed. You know, when the sex is like weed and the weed is like sex?

Sex give me the munchies
And now I wanna eat it up, oh!

Best lyric of all time? (Answer: yes.)

Least appropriate person in the world to write a tribute song to a school shooting? (Also: yes.)

Nooooo, Kellz. You’re the one who wasn’t convicted of a sex crime, remember? How soon we forget. Lay off the sex weed, buddy. 

(more…)

I got a full-blown case of it.

 
(artist rendering)

I don’t know what triggered my fear of Danny DeVito. Maybe it was a bad drug experience in college while Get Shorty played on TBS in the background. Or the fact that he’s a troll. Who knows? All I can say is, if you brought me on Maury and tried to have me meet DDV face to face, I’d act exactly like this woman:

So scary.

(Uhm…why does that picture exist?)

Danny DeVito is a fat little gremlin. And I think it’s insane that no one else thinks it’s weird that he’s a movie star. It’s precisely that inexplicable popularity that frightens me so much. He’s a human Pug.  

So anyway, six months after making a drunken spectacle of himself on The View, and blaming it on limoncello, Danny DiVito is now launching his own brand of Limoncello.

(Each bottle is 4 inches tall.)

Really, Danny? Six months go by and now you make a novelty liqueur? If you ask me, that is simply too little too late. Way too little.

Melinda Toolittle.

(more…)

So, this was on the cover of the New York Post today:

Uncle George.

Here are the editors at the Post discussing this morning’s layout:

“Okay, so the president just vetoed a spending bill that included a deadline for troop withdrawal from Iraq.”
“Wait. So you’re telling me that President George Bush just vetoed a bill that would have set timetables allowing troops from our depleted military to come home from a mismanaged, unjust war he started using fraudulent evidence?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that is definitely front page news! What are we doing for that?”
“I’m thinking we should photoshop the president’s face on to the Statue of Liberty. And then have the Statue of Liberty riding the back of a giant bald eagle. And in the eagle’s talons there’s a freshly caught trout. But when you look more closely, you realize it’s not a trout at all, but Mount fucking Rushmore!”
“I like it…but it sounds a little complicated. Can’t you just make him Uncle Sam or something?”
“Sure. The subtle approach. No problem.”
“Good. Talk to you later.”
“Heil Hitler!”
“Heil Hitler!”

I’m so glad we’re alive to see what campaigns are like in the 21st century.

I got this MySpace bulletin from Barack Obama yesterday:

“This unofficial profile will be retired shortly”? Who cares whether their Obama myspace is official or not?

Then I got this bulletin from Hillary Clinton:

What a cunt.

We are now officially the largest Myspace profile for any candidate…by using an arbitrary Myspace technicality that we just made up to make this ‘grassrootsy’ campaign seem more 420 chill!

I think it’s sad that Democrats have to sink to the level of engaging in the politics of personal social networking destruction.

That’s why Mike Gravel is my candidate of choice.

@ The P.I.T.
154 W. 29th St.
$5

Rupert Murdoch is making a $5 Billion dollar bid to buy the Wall Street Journal. But if that happens, won’t the Journal become a conservative newspaper?

Honestly, I don’t know what the big deal is. Rupert seems like a chill dude to me.

Kathy Griffin cannot handle drinking and not driving.

At least her (haggard) vagina didn’t spill out into the frame. That’s sooo 4 months ago.

I can’t wait until that clip hits youtube, because all I have right now is this zoetrope bullshit and it is phenomenally unsatisfying.

(more…)