At Monday night’s Totally JK, Noah and I started the show with a bit that involved me acting out the lyrics to a new R. Kelly “song” called “Real Talk.” (To thunderous applause, obvz.)

Sadly, we did not tape the show and, therefore, there is no video of this monumental performance.

There are, however, a bunch of youtubes of black dudes doing the exact same thing for their webcams.

I have way more influence than even I realize.

(Clearly, the last one is the best. But the fourth video is by a guy named “blackpizza12,” which is what I now plan on naming my firstborn child, boy or girl.)

Invite Them Up
hosted by Eugene Mirman and Bobby Tisdale
Rififi: 332 E. 11th St., $5
Doors open at 8:40pm

Performing:
Brett Gelman
Rich Brooks
Joe Mande
Hannibal Buress
Reggie Watts
Leo Allen
and
MORE!

Paris Hilton is a sixth-grade Hmong girl.

Look at this self-portrait she drew while in prison:

(All my St. Paul peeps know what I’m talkin’ about! Look at that shit. It’s uncanny)

Also, did the Post nail it this morning, or did they nail it?

It’s true, the bimbos were FREAKING OUT yesterday.

In case you missed it, this is the video Noah and I made for last night’s show. It’s madd stupid, son.

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47 year-old CNN correspondent and renowned demon-hag, Nancy Grace, announced today that she’s pregnant with twins!!!! 

No word yet if she plans on keeping the babies or simply eating them.

She released a copy of the ultrasound to the press:

The father is said to be her husband, David Linch, an Atlanta investment banker. However, Mrs. Grace isn’t giving up the possibility that she was gang-raped by the entire Duke Lacrosse team.

(What I’m saying is she’s a terrible person.)

Tonight’s Totally JK is brought to you by Jay Mohr’s mustache.

Here’s all the info in visual form:

A line-up packed with talent. Plus a new video from Noah and me. It’s going to be a historic night in that very smelly bar where we do our show, so you should make plans to see it.

PS: The video Noah made for my birthday is finally online, if you care to see it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jdMfQ_qRzw

Just as Summer begins, today I read about some guy in Florida getting hit by ”dry lightning.”

With no rain or even clouds to warn him of the danger, death came literally out of the blue Thursday to a self-employed landscaper. The killer was a powerful bolt of lightning that cracked through perfectly clear skies.

[He] was killed by a weather phenomenon fittingly called a ”bolt from the blue” or ”dry lightning” because it falls from clear, blue skies.

LOL! Get it? “Out of the blue.” Because it came out of nowhere and killed that dude! 

Wait…lightning? Lightning can strike you on a sunny day? I’ve never even considered worrying about that. And I worry about everything.

But, I mean, at least it’s not some kind of super-deadly form of lightning, right? It’s normal, run-of-the-mill lightning, that just so happens to come out of nowhere. I think I can deal with that. That’s not that scary.

The fair-weather bolts pack a bigger, deadlier punch and form differently.

Fuck me.

Most lightning bolts carry a negative charge, but ”bolts from the blue” have a positive charge, carry as much as 10 times the current, are hotter and last longer.

AAAAH! Of course! Why wouldn’t lightning that comes out of nowhere on a sunny day be ten times stronger, hotter, and longer-lasting than regular lightning? That’s rational. 

The bolts normally travel horizontally away from the storm and reach farther than typical lightning, then curve to the ground.

So, basically, they go out of their way to kill you? Awesome.

Have a good weekend, everyone. I just checked the forecast, it’s going to be beautiful out there.

I’m staying in my apartment forever.

As a lot of people know, my second favorite thing about living in New York (after Grey’s Papaya) is going to the annual Gay Pride Parade…with my girlfriend, thank you very much.

Unfortunately, I could not attend this year’s festivities because I was home, with my girlfriend, celebrating Father’s Day.

Such inconsiderate scheduling, and not just for me. I mean, gay dads exist. What’s a gay dad supposed to do when the parade is planned on Father’s Day? He probably wakes up, brushes his teeth, puts on the silly glasses and special leather g-string he laid out the night before, totally ready to jump on a float and writhe with other men for the whole afternoon. Then he walks downstairs to find his two children making him breakfast.

Children: Happy Father’s Day!
Gay Dad: Oh! Thank you, kids. That’s so sweet.
Children: We made you breakfast!
Gay Dad: Wow! Uhm…would you mind rolling it up in a tortilla or something? I actually have to go to this thing right now.
Children: But, we bought you a present.

Gay Dad opens the present. It’s a bottle of shampoo.

Gay Dad: Shampoo?
Children: Well, last year you kept saying how hard it was to get all the semen and glitter out of your hair.
Gay Dad: You are the best kids a gay dad could ask for.

They hug.

Gay Dad: But, seriously kids, I have to go grind with men on the back of a flatbed and pour Dasani on myself. I’ll catch up with you later, though. Kisses!

The end.

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