As a lot of people know, my second favorite thing about living in New York (after Grey’s Papaya) is going to the annual Gay Pride Parade…with my girlfriend, thank you very much.

Unfortunately, I could not attend this year’s festivities because I was home, with my girlfriend, celebrating Father’s Day.

Such inconsiderate scheduling, and not just for me. I mean, gay dads exist. What’s a gay dad supposed to do when the parade is planned on Father’s Day? He probably wakes up, brushes his teeth, puts on the silly glasses and special leather g-string he laid out the night before, totally ready to jump on a float and writhe with other men for the whole afternoon. Then he walks downstairs to find his two children making him breakfast.

Children: Happy Father’s Day!
Gay Dad: Oh! Thank you, kids. That’s so sweet.
Children: We made you breakfast!
Gay Dad: Wow! Uhm…would you mind rolling it up in a tortilla or something? I actually have to go to this thing right now.
Children: But, we bought you a present.

Gay Dad opens the present. It’s a bottle of shampoo.

Gay Dad: Shampoo?
Children: Well, last year you kept saying how hard it was to get all the semen and glitter out of your hair.
Gay Dad: You are the best kids a gay dad could ask for.

They hug.

Gay Dad: But, seriously kids, I have to go grind with men on the back of a flatbed and pour Dasani on myself. I’ll catch up with you later, though. Kisses!

The end.

I really do enjoy the parade. As a person consumed with self-loathing, it’s an amazing sight to see so many people who are so extremely proud of themselves. Especially when so many of them display it by putting lit sparklers up their ass.

My favorite thing about the gay pride parade is the way they sub-categorize themselves for the floats. For an outsider, it really makes being gay look a lot like Lord of the Rings.

First, you have the draq queen float.

They’re like the elves, what with their dignified flamboyance. Not to mention the superhuman eyesight and snappy comebacks.

Then there are the twinks.

Who are clearly the gay version of hobbits. (I want to make a Bilbo Faggins joke so badly. But I won’t, because I have class.)

My favorite is the bear float. (Daaaaa Behrr float! LOL! You think they do that? Like all the time?)

Dwarves. No question.

And, of course, you have the wizard gays.

Which is self explanatory.

It makes me wonder what kind of gay I might have been if things had turned out different for me.

I’m probably too hairy to be a twink, but I’m way too slender to be a bear. I’m like in-between the two. I guess that means I would have been a bear cub. That’s sort of depressing thought. No one wants to be the Booboo to someone else’s Yogi. Gross.

Wow, it’s a good thing I’m so straight. Because I already have no pride in the kind of gay I’m not.

 

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 21st, 2007 at 10:56 am and is filed under Family, Gayz, Lezzies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.