Today I am introducing a new segment to my blog called “U got P.L.I.P.P.S.”

P.L.I.P.P.S., for those of you who don’t already know, is a disease I made up. It’s a lot like A.I.D.S. and cancer, only worse. You can only get P.L.I.P.P.S. if you are a huge, obnoxious douche-bag who is famous for no reason and I hate you. 

(Also, I have no idea what it’s an acronym for.)

I am currently the only person in the world qualified to diagnose PLIPPS. But, being the good Samaritan I am, I will occasionally use my blog as a platform to identify those inflicted with PLIPPS as a matter of public safety.

Hopefully, over time, others will be able to diagnose PLIPPS for themselves. And in turn, more people will be diagnosed with, and hopefully die of, PLIPPS.

So here goes…

The first person to be publicly outed with PLIPPS is none other than TV’s Brody Jenner.

I was watching MTV Cribs this weekend, and this motherfucker was on giving a tour of his scenic $24,000,000 Malibu house.

Only, it wasn’t really his house…it was his parent’s house. Only, it wasn’t really his parent’s house, it was his stepdad’s house. Only, it wasn’t really his stepdad’s house, it was his mom’s house, which she got via a divorce settlement from his stepdad.

Did you follow that? This dude was on national TV, without any shame, parading around an amazing house that he gets to live in solely because his mom is an evil, money-grubbing cunt.

If you don’t think that alone deserves a slow, painful death from PLIPPS, just look at Brody Jenner’s wikipedia page and tell me you don’t want him dead.

•  Brody Jenner (born August 21, 1983), a reality television celebrity and model, is the younger son of Olympic decathlon champion Bruce Jenner and actress Linda Thompson.

• He is a stepson of songwriter David Foster and a stepbrother of Kim Kardashian.

•  Jenner dated actress Kristin Cavallari of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County for about one year.

• Weeks after his break up with Cavallari, in August 2006, he began seeing longtime friend, Nicole Richie.

• Multiple internet gossip columns, and Richie herself through her MySpace blog, have suggested that the relationship between Jenner and Richie was staged for publicity purposes.

• Most recently, Jenner has been romantically linked to Haylie Duff.

I just barfed on my keyboard. No joke. By the way, I just decided that all the people on his wikipedia have PLIPPS too, even the person who spent the time writing it.

Marijuana makes you go coo-coo! Look!

Yo! Dr. Sanjay Gupta iz on dat ILL SHIT, son! 

What did they ‘analyze’ for this study? The ‘weedjamz’  playlist on my ipod?

I mean, it sure looks like it. Check out the report:

“Our findings suggest that the source of most marijuana-induced psychosis comes from smoking that Bin Laden weed (a strain of ’straight killah’ weed from Chicago, said to be comprised of three different kinds of weed all grown together). It can cause one to panic, become disorientated, and have holograms to begin flashing in front of one’s face (and shit).
These symptoms should not be confused with those of Blueberry Yum Yum, which is known to make one start singing melodies one never thought one wooooooouuuuuuuld, as well as make one skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, and eat snacks, snacks, snacks, snacks, snacks. 
Finally, there is Sex Weed. As we all know, this is weed that is so potent, smoking it makes one feel as though one is having sex. (It may also mean sex that is so good it reminds one of smoking weed. Maybe? I dont know. I still can’t figure that one out at all.)”

Yeah, that’s right, that medical report had hilarious youtube hyperlinks (and way to many parentheticals) in it. So what? Just chill out and enjoy it. Chill out!

(Look, I’m sorry. I’m still really upset about Bear lying to me. I should be back to normal next week.)

Bear’s a fake!??!!?! This can’t be true!

Seriously, I feel like crying. Between this and the possibility that Lil’ Wayne might face years behind bars for some lame-ass gun charge, today has been like a mini-Kristallnacht for me.

By the way, until Bear’s been proven innocent of these slanderous charges, I’m moving Man vs. Wild down to second place on my list of favorite TV shows, thus giving The Wire the number one spot. (I have a dream where these two shows somehow intertwine and Bear has to find his way safely out of West Baltimore using only a water bottle, a flint, and his knowledge of the crack game. I’d call it: Man vs. Wild N’ Out.)

I’m not normally a gossip, but I have some very juicy inside-info about a new HOLLYWOOD POWER COUPLE!

My sources* tell me that skanktress Lindsey Lohan is bedding the best rapper alive, Lil’ Wayne!

Move over, TomKat and Brangelina! It’s Lindl’ Wayhan! It’s a match made in heaven prison.

My sources* tell me that this relationship is the real deal, people. They are totes goo-goo-ga-ga for each other. And when they’re apart, they go so far as to coordinate their felony arrests! How romantic is that? Like, last night Lindsay got busted for drunk driving and cocaine possession in Santa Monica while Lil’ Wayne getting charged for gun possession in New York City. TOO CUTE!

A Santa Monica Police representative said that ”Lindsay looks really happy,” and “Cocaine was found in her pants pocket.” 

Meanwhile, an NYPD officer told me privately that, ”Lil’ Wayne wants to marry that girl,” and “Another person, so far uncharged, stuffed 7 pounds of marijuana down the tour bus’ toilet as officers approached.”

Are those wedding bells I hear? No, wait, sorry. Those are sirens.

(Thanks to Greg Johnson for the Drudge sirens.)

Besides substance abuse problems, they both have daddy issues too!

For real, though, please let me know if/when ”FREE WEEZY” t-shirts become available on-line, because I’m going to want to order at least ten of them.

*= wishful imagination

I got asked to be the last-minute host for tonight’s Heeb Storytelling Session. It’s part of the Diamond Days Music Festival and will take place in a Polish church in Brooklyn. Or something? More info below.

Heeb Storytelling
Friday, July 20th
The Church of the Messiah: 129 Russell Street (between Nassau and Driggs)
Greenpoint, Brooklyn
7pm, $10

Hosted by: Joe Mande
Featuring: Gabe and Jenny, Max Silvestri, Adira Amram, and Esther Ku 

Rififi: 332 E. 11th St.
8pm, $5

@ Piano’s: 158 Ludlow at Stanton in the LES
8pm, FREE

HEEB MAGAZINE STORYTELLING
Church of Messiah, 129 Russell St.
Greenpoint , NY
7:00-8:00 PM
Gabe and Jenny, Max Silvestri, Adira Amram

Did you hear about Barrington Irving, the 23 year-old kid who just finished flying around the world? Yeah, you read that right. He flew AROUND THE WORLD! In an AIRPLANE!

HE DID IT!

Wait a minute, is this the 21st century? It is, right?

I just got a little confused because it’s 2007 and the New York Times just published a story celebrating a person for flying around the world. And not with a jet-pack.

“My plane had no radar and no de-icing equipment,” said Mr. Irving, after the Rao’s crowd welcomed him back to earth with a warm ovation. “It was just me up there, alone, flying on gut instinct — pretty much the way Charles Lindbergh and Amelia Earhart did it.”

Yeah, I guess it was pretty much the same way. Except now you live in an age where people fly all the time. Oh, also, the moon? We did that, too. Over forty years ago.

The trip, which cost roughly a million dollars, was rejected by more than 50 different sponsors.

Uhm, no shit? A million dollars? Seriously? What? WHAT? Do you know what else you could buy for a million dollars? Like, five jet-packs. What an idiot.

Barrington Irving: Hi, I’m looking for sponsors to help pay for my trip around the world.
Sponsor: (Opens wallet) Okay, how much are you looking for?
Barrington Irving: About a million dollars.
Sponsor: Did you just say a million dollars? Go away. Are you retarded?

96 days, a million dollars, and an outdated dream. That’s all it takes.

Hey, look what I just did:

That’s a trip around the world I just planned. In less than a minute. I’ll fly around the world in 3 days for only 4 thousand dollars. Plus, I gave myself some time to shop a little bit.

In conclusion: Orbitz. Look it up, shithead.

This was on the front page of MSNBC.com today:

Great question! But, no. Those look like monkey bars to me. Terrifying monkey bars, obviously, but monkey bars nonetheless.

I love how much airtime those monkey bars get. Literally every time the news talks about terrorism, cut to monkey bars. You know the main Jihadi trainer was telling the cameraman, “We have trampolines, dude! Get some trampoline footage! No? Well, how about over there, the goat’s head tetherball? Oh, I see, you’re just going to film the monkey bars? This is why we hate you people.”

I also think it’s kind of ironic that terrorist basic training is the exact same thing as those grade school Presidential fitness tests, only you have to wear a hood the whole time. Actually, that’s probably even better because no one can point and laugh at you when you start crying.

What I’m saying is if you have to do a Flexed-Arm Hang to join Al-Qaeda, they can count me out. I hate that shit. 

That’s more like it.

Oh, and speaking of monkey bars (it’s about a minute in, or so):