Michael Chertoff, the Bush-appointed Jewgoblin in charge of Homeland Security, said yesterday that he felt the United States was likely to be attacked by terrorists this summer. He didn’t give any specifics, but he did say:

“Summertime seems to be appealing to them.”

(Them=terrorists)

That’s right, terrorists love the summertime! So, stay alert, people! Keep a watchful eye for those sunbathing zealots.

The first and last terrorists are my favs.

But seriously, what makes the head of Homeland Security think our country is susceptible to another major attack?

[Chertoff] indicated that his remarks were based on “a gut feeling” formed by previous patterns of terrorist attacks.

Some in the media have criticized this statement, saying a “gut feeling” isn’t strong enough evidence to validate such a frightening prediction regarding national security.

In response, Chertoff told reporters, “Oh yeah? Explain this, then: On September 10, 2001, I spent the entire day on the toilet with crippling diarrhea. And right before the Madrid train bombings, my acid reflux started acting up. Oh, and I had gallstones when that whole Bali nightclub thing happened. Okay? Please don’t doubt my gut when it comes to predicting the inner-workings of Al-Quada. This is why I make the big bucks.” 

Chertoff went on to say that right before a car bomb detonates in Iraq, he usually makes a “wet, smelly fart.” He later added that his guts have never been good at predicting when thousands of Black people are going to drown.