@ The P.I.T.: 154 W. 29th St
9:30pm, $5?

@ Rififi: 332 E. 11th St
8pm, $5

Grab those surgical masks, people!

Beckham Fever! It’s like S.A.R.S., only way less interesting!

“Just naked-fart it out, bro. You’ll be fine.”

I looked Beckham Fever up on WebMD, and it’s not pretty. The symptoms include: a high-pitched voice, gay haircuts, and a robot wife.

It’s important to get tested regularly for Beckham Fever because, if left untreated, you could make a billion dollars and be the most famous person on Earth.

Not without steroids or a rape allegation, he won’t. This is AMERICA.