Bear’s a fake!??!!?! This can’t be true!

Seriously, I feel like crying. Between this and the possibility that Lil’ Wayne might face years behind bars for some lame-ass gun charge, today has been like a mini-Kristallnacht for me.

By the way, until Bear’s been proven innocent of these slanderous charges, I’m moving Man vs. Wild down to second place on my list of favorite TV shows, thus giving The Wire the number one spot. (I have a dream where these two shows somehow intertwine and Bear has to find his way safely out of West Baltimore using only a water bottle, a flint, and his knowledge of the crack game. I’d call it: Man vs. Wild N’ Out.)

I’m not normally a gossip, but I have some very juicy inside-info about a new HOLLYWOOD POWER COUPLE!

My sources* tell me that skanktress Lindsey Lohan is bedding the best rapper alive, Lil’ Wayne!

Move over, TomKat and Brangelina! It’s Lindl’ Wayhan! It’s a match made in heaven prison.

My sources* tell me that this relationship is the real deal, people. They are totes goo-goo-ga-ga for each other. And when they’re apart, they go so far as to coordinate their felony arrests! How romantic is that? Like, last night Lindsay got busted for drunk driving and cocaine possession in Santa Monica while Lil’ Wayne getting charged for gun possession in New York City. TOO CUTE!

A Santa Monica Police representative said that ”Lindsay looks really happy,” and “Cocaine was found in her pants pocket.” 

Meanwhile, an NYPD officer told me privately that, ”Lil’ Wayne wants to marry that girl,” and “Another person, so far uncharged, stuffed 7 pounds of marijuana down the tour bus’ toilet as officers approached.”

Are those wedding bells I hear? No, wait, sorry. Those are sirens.

(Thanks to Greg Johnson for the Drudge sirens.)

Besides substance abuse problems, they both have daddy issues too!

For real, though, please let me know if/when ”FREE WEEZY” t-shirts become available on-line, because I’m going to want to order at least ten of them.

*= wishful imagination