The National Center for Health Statistics is reporting that American teens are having way less sex than ever before! And the ones who are having sex are doing it safely!

From CNN.com:

Experts couldn’t explain why teen blindness was on the rise. (Seriously, what is that picture? “Aaaah, I got a boner again. Let’s go look at the sun.”)

Hey, CNN and the National Center of Health Statistics, listen up: Teen sex surveys are the least trustworthy things in the universe. Every time I filled one out in high school, I ended up saying I was a pregnant 14 year-old Inuit/Filipino lesbian who had been with over 20 sexual partners (male and female), had six abortions, only used condoms for chewing gum like in the movie Coneheads, and contracted HIV by having anal sex with heroin needles.  

Because why tell the government you’re actually a 16 year-old Jewish virgin who sometimes drank from your Dad’s vodka in the downstairs freezer before staying up all night with all your other virgin friends playing Sega Dreamcast and making mean-spirited dioramas? That would be super lame.

@ The P.I.T.: 154 W. 29th St
9:30pm, $5?

@ Rififi: 332 E. 11th St
8pm, $5

Grab those surgical masks, people!

Beckham Fever! It’s like S.A.R.S., only way less interesting!

“Just naked-fart it out, bro. You’ll be fine.”

I looked Beckham Fever up on WebMD, and it’s not pretty. The symptoms include: a high-pitched voice, gay haircuts, and a robot wife.

It’s important to get tested regularly for Beckham Fever because, if left untreated, you could make a billion dollars and be the most famous person on Earth.

Not without steroids or a rape allegation, he won’t. This is AMERICA.

Consider the following:

1. Anti-freeze toothpaste.
2. Cardboard dumplings.
3. Babies full of needles.
4. Dragon bone consumption.
5. Really bad headaches.
6. 2 billion rats.
7. No Simpsons.
8. Organ harvest prisons.
9. Dog holocaust.
10. Slave kids.
11. Old lady penguin feet.
12. Molten metal accidents.
13. Cyborg pigeons.
14. Faulty penis transplants.
15. Blood-red poop rivers.

No thank you.

Michael Chertoff, the Bush-appointed Jewgoblin in charge of Homeland Security, said yesterday that he felt the United States was likely to be attacked by terrorists this summer. He didn’t give any specifics, but he did say:

“Summertime seems to be appealing to them.”

(Them=terrorists)

That’s right, terrorists love the summertime! So, stay alert, people! Keep a watchful eye for those sunbathing zealots.

The first and last terrorists are my favs.

But seriously, what makes the head of Homeland Security think our country is susceptible to another major attack?

[Chertoff] indicated that his remarks were based on “a gut feeling” formed by previous patterns of terrorist attacks.

Some in the media have criticized this statement, saying a “gut feeling” isn’t strong enough evidence to validate such a frightening prediction regarding national security.

In response, Chertoff told reporters, “Oh yeah? Explain this, then: On September 10, 2001, I spent the entire day on the toilet with crippling diarrhea. And right before the Madrid train bombings, my acid reflux started acting up. Oh, and I had gallstones when that whole Bali nightclub thing happened. Okay? Please don’t doubt my gut when it comes to predicting the inner-workings of Al-Quada. This is why I make the big bucks.” 

Chertoff went on to say that right before a car bomb detonates in Iraq, he usually makes a “wet, smelly fart.” He later added that his guts have never been good at predicting when thousands of Black people are going to drown.

So, after six and a half days, Transformers made $152.6 Million dollars. Thus making it the best and most important film ever made.

Ask anyone, I predicted Shia LaBeouf’s star power way back in his Even Stevens days. And, yes, I still plan on becoming best friends with him.

Can I just say that he and Anthony Anderson are the Wilder/Pryor of the 21st centch?

I’ve already called dibs on the screenplay rights, so don’t even try it.

Michael Bay’s Transformers made like a billion dollars over the Fourth of July holiday. $80.50 of those dollars belonged to me. Look:

“7 Adult Tickets to: Transformers (PG-13).” That’s basically where my life is right now.

I’ve been waiting for a live-action Transformers movie for over 20 years, and I say that truthfully. I haven’t been this excited for a movie since Michael Crichton’s Congo in 1995. (Also true.)

All I have to say about Transformers is: I’m going to have to see at least eight more times. Not only because it was amazing, but because it was also quite possibly the most confusing film I’ve ever seen. It was so fast and so loud, I had very little idea what was going on. It was like a car wreck, only it lasted longer than two hours, and the cars were also 60-foot robots. 

Within the first ten minutes of the movie, the setting changed from outer space, to Qatar, to the North Pole a hundred years ago, to Bernie Mac’s used car lot. It was simply too much to comprehend. I made a list of things I think I understood. These twelve things constitute all I was able to process after one viewing:

TWELVE OBSERVATIONS ABOUT TRANSFORMERS:

1. Transformers was the best movie I’ve ever seen in my life.

2. Transformers was the most retarded movie I’ve ever seen in my life. (I mean “retarded” not in a colloquial sense, but in a retarded-people sense.)

3. If you didn’t already know, Transformers are an advanced and ancient species of alien cyborgs who speak English and all turn into General Motors vehicles. They are divided into good robots (Autobots) and some are bad robots (Decepticons).

4. All Autobots understand the importance of good, old-fashioned physical comedy.

5. You know when a police car is really a Decepticon in disguise when the decal on its rear door says “To Punish and Enslave” instead of “To Protect and Serve.” Sort of a dead giveaway, if you ask me.

6. One Autobot is named “Jazz.” He’s the “Black” one. He loves to break dance, lacks a certain amount of empathy, and turns into a Pontiac Solstice. (Minor quibble: wouldn’t a real Black robot turn into a Cadillac? Or at least a GMC Yukon? I watch The Wire, I know what’s up.) Jazz was voiced by veteran actor Darius McCrary, better known to many as Eddie Winslow. So tight.

7. Jazz is also the only Autobot to die. Obviously. This raises an interesting question: Is Jazz’s death yet another example of a predictable Hollywood stereotype, or are you crazy to think it’s racist when an alien Pontiac dies in battle?

8. There will be an applause break in the theater when Bumblebee transforms from a rusty old hoopty into a 2008 Chevrolet Camaro. The cheering will not be sarcastic.

9. Because they’re machines, Transformers don’t produce bodily waste. However, they will totally piss on your head for the sake of comic relief (see #4). 

10. Remember when girls in high school looked like this?

11. The words “Put that cube in my chest!” only get funnier the more times they’re uttered.

12. The movie ends with what looks like the beginning of a human/car/robot orgy. Leaving room for a very exciting, and erotic, sequel.

Needless to say, I give it 5/5 stars CARS!

@Mo Pitkins: 34 Ave A
7:30pm, $5 or so