If you are in New York City on Labor Day Monday and you have $5, there’s no reason not to come to this show.

Noah and I decided NOT to go to our Hamptons timeshare simply because we both believe “the show must go on.” Therefore, you should do the same.

TOTALLY JK
Monday, Sep 3rd @ 8pm
Rififi: 332 E 11th St
$5/21+

Featuring:
MIKE DOBBINS: A straight-up genius.  
MATT AND KATINA: A remarkable comedic duo.
JACQUELINE NOVAK: Princess of the downtown scene.
SHAWN PEARLMAN: A new friend from LA and a rising star.
PLUS MORE?!!!?!?!

Come to this show and be sure to wear white, because it’s yo last chance grrlfrend!!!

I’m seriously considering cancelling my cable subscription and spending $120 a month exclusively on whippits, because I’m pretty sure the net brain cell loss would be about the same. If not less.

I say this because last night was the premiere of MTV’s new show “Celebrity Rap Superstar.” The show is superb and probably my new favorite, but I’m pretty sure I forgot at least 8 state capitals just by watching it. The premise is simple: celebrities (a gossip blogger, Kevin Federline’s black ex-girlfriend, a retired football player, etc.) perform rap-karaoke with the help and guidance of their very own washed up rap superstar mentor. In other words, it’s all you could ever want or need from a television show.

There were two performances in particular that were utterly mind-blowing. The first was when Jason Wahler from Laguna Beachhad a full-blown PLIPPS attack while performing his rendition of the hip-hop classic “Ridin’” by Chamillionaire.

I think the problem was Jason Wahler thought he was cast for a show called “Celebrity Act Like an Out of Touch Camp Counselor Superstar.” Because, in that case, he nailed it.

By the way, Da Brat is a ZING MACHINE. (That’s a term I use for “stoned lesbian.”)

Here’s Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite doing a 50 Cent song:

It might have sounded really bad, but that’s only because this was the lyric sheet they gave him:

“In Da Club”
by: Fiddy Cent (not Fifty Cents)

You can find me in the club, body full of bub.
Mama, I got what you need if you need to feel a buzz.
I’m into having sex, not into making love.
So come give me a hug if you’re into ruh-muh-a-ruh.
If I pull up on funny, you see the bend on dup.
If I row twenty deep, it’s always jumping in the club.
When I roll with Dre, everybody show me love.
When I throw Eminem, you better ehhhhhm’love.
Zuh-muh-nuh-ma-nuh, … Jesus.

(Stop and squint eyes.)

If I got Shamu: L, M, N, O, Pimp.
Eh-guh…ha-choo, ch…guh…hassah hit.
If….ung-uh in LA, esta 50 is hot.
If I like me and I love me, but they love pot.
But holla in New York and Joe tell me I’m loco.
But holla in New York…en-summa-nuh choke-oh.

The voters should at least take that into consideration. Also, the fact that he seems to be a mentally retarded foreign person.

Prediction: This contest is Sebastian Bach’s to lose. He pwned it.

Hey, remember El Debarge? Well, he was arrested yesterday on vandalism and drug charges.

Hey, remember when “Rhythm of the Night” by El Debarge was your favorite song for most of your childhood?

Hey, remember when you had mono freshman year of college and you were all alone in your dorm room one night watching Barry Gordy’s The Last Dragon on cable, and then for some reason, within the movie, the music video for “Rhythm of the Night” started playing and it was the first time you ever realized that El Debarge wasn’t a beautiful woman like you’d always thought, but instead was a scary, waifish, rat-tranny? Hey, and remember when that made you start screaming? (Hey, remember it was also your 19th birthday?)

PS: Do you think it was fate that I discovered the 21st century version of El Debarge?

So, after getting mesmerized by the Battlecry snippet last week, I went ahead and tivoed the entire CNN “God’s Warriors” mini-series. I must admit Christiane Amanpour does a great job making all three major religions look coo-coo.

Although, the Evangelical Christians are clearly the winners (which is probably why she saved that episode for last). How, you might ask, could a group of American Christians possibly be crazier than Israeli settlers and Islamic suicide bombers? Well, at least when insane Jews and Muslims go to war, those wars are real. Oh, also, Jewish minstrel shows:

If you didn’t catch that, the hoe-down version of Hava Nagilah goes a little something like this:

Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Chickens in the barnyard pickin’ up grain.
Goin’ about things the southern way.
Next year in Jerusalem. V’nism’cha! Wooo!
(fiddle solo)

BTW, that minister is so tight! He just loves Israel. So much so that he built his own wailing wall and even wrote his own Nostradamus book about Jesus slaying the all the Jews on Judgement Day.

I got a lot to say about this, but I don’t want to get all Marc Maron on your asses.

Click here to watch a wacky local morning news team re-enact the Senator’s lewd conduct.

My three favorite things about the video:
1. The anchorman’s kooky familiarity with public bathroom gay sex etiquette.
2. The anchorwoman claiming she’s never seen a bathroom stall before.
3. The weatherman’s Indian man sandals.

Senior Idaho Senator Larry Craig stepped down as Senatorial liaison for the Mitt Romney presidential campaign yesterday after it was discovered that he was arrested for “lewd conduct” in the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport back in June.

Artist’s interpretation:

You can read the article here. It’s pretty amazing, although I must say I wish the cop was a little more descriptive regarding the “lewd conduct” the Senator was looking to participate in. Because, right now, the whole encounter reads like a Benny Hill sketch. There’s a lot of confused, horny pantomime.

Related story: Mitt Romney’s romance novels

Dick Clark finally put an end to the ongoing retarded lesbian fox dance saga. I got this email late last night:

Rest in peace, you ridiculous .mov file. The internet will never be the same.  

So You Think You Can Dance Like A Baby Fox?
8.16.2007 - 8.22.2007
A Beloved YouTube
Misunderstood by Most
Favorited by Many
Murdered by Haggard Stroke Victim

After listening to this song endlessly on repeat for the past two weeks or so, I still can’t tell if I think it’s the best or worst thing ever:

I’d go see that. Broadway needs an all-Beatles mash-up musical. And Lil Wayne is just the man ambitious (stoned) enough to do it.

PS- I didn’t know what to name this post. Here’s a list of others I had in mind:

(more…)

A while back, I wrote about how afraid I was of Vladimir Putin’s state-sponsored militia of brainwashed teenage Internet hackers, known as “Nashis“ (named after an organic but very racist type of Russian breakfast cereal).

Well, after watching this special report on CNN, let me just say that I feel much safer now:

What. The. Fuck.

TWEEN: “Hey Mom, can I have like $60?”
MOM: “For what, dear?”
TWEEN: “There’s this really awesome show at the arena I want to see.”
MOM: “Now, you know how I feel about rock n’ roll…”
TWEEN: “It’s not a rock show, Mom.”
MOM: “Well, what is it then?”
TWEEN: “It’s Battlecry.”
MOM: “And what is this ‘Battlecry’?”
TWEEN: “Well it’s kind of like a rock show…”
MOM: “I don’t like the sooound of thiiiis.”
TWEEN: “…but instead of music, there’s this local news sportscaster guy, and he yells at everyone about how much Jesus hates abortions.”
MOM: “Oh, that sounds like fun.”
TWEEN: “Yeah! And fireworks go off. And there are these lunatics running around with flags. And every one’s crying and praying.” 
MOM: “Wow! Hand me my purse, we’re both going!” 
TWEEN: “Eeeew! Are you kidding me? I can’t go to Battlecry with my mom! That’s so embarrassing.”
MOM: “Why?”
TWEEN: “You had your chance, Mom! This is my war!”

Quick poll: Who would win an all out fight to the death? Battlecryers or Nashis?

(more…)

Tonight at 8pm, Noah Garfinkel and I host another exciting installment of Totally JK. Come on down to Rififi and take part in the magic.

I wrote this poem and then paid Malcolm-Jamal Warner recite for me:

See you at 8? Thanks in advance.