A while back, I wrote about how afraid I was of Vladimir Putin’s state-sponsored militia of brainwashed teenage Internet hackers, known as “Nashis“ (named after an organic but very racist type of Russian breakfast cereal).

Well, after watching this special report on CNN, let me just say that I feel much safer now:

What. The. Fuck.

TWEEN: “Hey Mom, can I have like $60?”
MOM: “For what, dear?”
TWEEN: “There’s this really awesome show at the arena I want to see.”
MOM: “Now, you know how I feel about rock n’ roll…”
TWEEN: “It’s not a rock show, Mom.”
MOM: “Well, what is it then?”
TWEEN: “It’s Battlecry.”
MOM: “And what is this ‘Battlecry’?”
TWEEN: “Well it’s kind of like a rock show…”
MOM: “I don’t like the sooound of thiiiis.”
TWEEN: “…but instead of music, there’s this local news sportscaster guy, and he yells at everyone about how much Jesus hates abortions.”
MOM: “Oh, that sounds like fun.”
TWEEN: “Yeah! And fireworks go off. And there are these lunatics running around with flags. And every one’s crying and praying.” 
MOM: “Wow! Hand me my purse, we’re both going!” 
TWEEN: “Eeeew! Are you kidding me? I can’t go to Battlecry with my mom! That’s so embarrassing.”
MOM: “Why?”
TWEEN: “You had your chance, Mom! This is my war!”

Quick poll: Who would win an all out fight to the death? Battlecryers or Nashis?

(I sincerely hope it’s the Nashis.)

Also, watch this Battlecry recruitment video, produced by Teen Mania Ministries.

A few things about that. First of all, I loved it. It’s so intense, I honestly don’t know what my favorite part was. Was it…

- When his sister first makes it big on the (neverending?) reality show Real Life, and the craft services guy pulls the classic “Wanna panini? SIKE!” on her; 

- Her desperate attempts for salvation through a series of insane diary entries? (”SO FAKE!!!,” “I FEEL SO HOPELESS!!!”);  

- The wedding/prom dress photo-shoot suicide;

- The realization that he is on some kind of Punk’d/Funeral Home reality show;

-  Or the end, when her former Real Life co-stars stare in horror at the camera crew after reading the insane, tattered diary pages inside the UPS package that also happened to include broken pieces of urn?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 21st, 2007 at 7:28 am and is filed under Crazy Christianz, EEEEK, Fear, Kids, Other belief systems, Politics, Red States, Suicide. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.