Totally JK
Rififi: 332 E 11th St.
8pm, $5, 21+

John Mulaney, Pete Holmes, Michelle Collins, and Paul Oddo

Yesterday morning, I went through the trouble of uploading the lesbian fox routine from the So You Think You Can Dance finale onto youtube. I did this because I felt it was important for those who missed it to see the most gaytarded thing ever made. In fact, I even edited it down a little–CUT THE FAT OUT–to streamline the gaytarded nature of the video and make it more enjoyable (see: less enjoyable) for the viewing public. And for what?

I’m sad to say that this stupid fucking clip is quickly becoming my most widely viewed online video. As of this morning, it’s gotten almost 3000 hits and already has garnered over 20 viewer comments. The comments, by the way, are overwhelmingly positive and completely void of irony.

The world is a cold, miserable, stupid place and youtube is the cause of it.

Click below to read my fave comments so far:

(more…)

Every week, my girlfriend punishes me by making me watch So You Think You Can Dance with her. At first, the show was so intensely gay that I couldn’t even handle it. But, as the season progressed I managed to slowly build a tolerance to it, forming a callous on my brain.

During last night’s broadcast, however, there was a dance that totally shattered my new-found resolve. The typical amount of gayness that I’ve grown accustomed to was somehow combined with an equal (if not larger) amount of profound retardation. Plus a hint of Disney. The result was, without rival, the most intensely WTF thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

I’d give Wade Robson PLIPPS, but I feel like he’s already given it to himself. Only a PLIPPS victim would wear a flowy linen hippie shirt with sanskrit lettering all over it. Or choreograph a dance for national television about rabid lesbian foxes. What a mess.

@Bowery Poetry Club
308 Bowery, 8pm
$5

I’m not the first person to say this, but Michael Vick is an asshole.

The owner of the Seattle SuperSonics said today that he plans on moving his NBA team to Oklahoma City.

Uhm…it’s about fucking time! What a disgrace it’s been to watch an important and bustling American metropolis like Oklahoma City go without a professional basketball team for so long. This is Oklahoma City, Oklahoma we’re talking about here, people. The big OKC! The seventh biggest city in the country (in terms of geographical area)! The only capital city that shares the name of its state!  

My only hope is that when the team does move, that they change their name. I mean, when you move a franchise from a city like New Orleans to a place like Utah, obviously it makes sense to keep the name “Jazz”. However, “Oklahoma City SuperSonics” doesn’t sound very good. So, here are some suggestions I have for new team names:

D.T., of course, stands for Domestic Terrorism.

Oh, and this woman could be the Dust Bowls’ mascot:

T.O.T. = Trail of Tears. Also, tater tots, which are delicious. 

After watching this how-to viral video about building a personal handheld burning laser out of an ordinary flashlight, I realized how disappointing I must be to the 10 year-old version of me.

10 Year-Old Me: Oh. My. God! Did you see that?
Me: Yeah. Pretty cool, right?
10 Year-Old Me: Pretty cool? A handheld laser gun? That’s a dream come true! C’mon, lets go make one!
Me: Ugh. Forget it, dude. It’s way too complicated.
10 Year-Old Me: What do you mean “too complicated”? We just watched a step-by-step instruction on how to make one!
Me: Right. But one of those instructions involved owning a soldering gun, which would necessitate me knowing how to use a soldering gun. Or even knowing where one goes to buy a soldering gun. No thanks. 
10 Year-Old Me: What’s wrong with you? We’ll figure it out. And then we’ll burn things with a laser beam. It’ll be amazing. C’mon, lets go to the store!
Me: Oh, okay. And which store would you like to go to first? The Soldering Gun store or the Axis-Laser-Housing store? Guess what? They don’t exist. Go away, I’m working.
10 Year-Old Me: Wait. This is where you work?
Me: Yep.
10 Year-Old Me: This is super depressing.
Me: Look, I’m not happy about it either.
10 Year-Old Me: What about the NBA?
Me: Uhm…the NBA doesn’t really pan out the way we thought it would. In fact, you might want to devote less time on basketball and more time on reading.
10 Year-Old Me: No way! Reading is for losers.
Me: Exactly.
10 Year-Old Me: I don’t think I like you very much.
Me: Well, I don’t like you much either.
10 Year-Old Me: I’m out of here. Have fun at your job, loser.
Me: Have fun grooming your rat-tail, you little faggot.
10 Year-Old Me: (Gasp!) You said the other F word!
Me: Yeah, that’s right. It’s called irony, idiot.
10 Year-Old Me: …
Me: Look, I’m sorry I called you the other F word. I only meant it in the colloquial sense.
10 Year-Old Me: It’s okay.
Me: Look, all I’m saying is you might want to consider expanding your scope a little bit.  There’s more to life than Sega, Cheetos, and Weird Al.
10 Year-Old Me: Okay.
Me: And, seriously, stop with the basketball. It’s hopeless. Mom will be taller than you at your Bar Mitzvah.
10 Year-Old Me: I feel really sad now.
Me: I know. Believe me, trying–and failing–to make a laser gun won’t help you feel any better.
10 Year-Old Me: I guess you’re right.

So, it’s 1000 degrees outside with 1000% humidity in New York today. Also, some kind of thunder-typhoon hit the city early this morning and now all the trains are flooded and everyone hates everyone else even more than usual. 

Basically, it’s a complete nightmare outside and I don’t feel like writing today. Is that okay, MOM?

Instead of trying to use words to describe how scared and disgusting I feel, I’ve decided to let these eight seconds from the Oxygen channel’s Mo’Nique’s F.A.T. Chance* do the talking for me.

That is what New York City feels like today. Times eight million.

(* = Anything with two apostrophes is automatically a winner in my book.)

I hate these people.

Yet, I have set my TiVo to record every episode of season 3. (Is self-schadenfreude a thing? Because I have it.)

And, despite what I previously thought, it looks as though PLIPPS is indeed contagious. Look what Brody Jenner did to poor Mr. Belding:

Barf. Everything about that picture is a nightmare.

I’m willing to bet $20 that my man Brody’s tongue got stained by drinking a six-pack of Ed Hardy Energy Drinks.

Tonight Noah Garfinkel and I bring you a very special show. Not only are we planning on bringing our A-games, but we have incredible guests as well.

The very tall and wonderful Gary Gulman will be stopping by. (HBO, Last Comic Standing)

Recently crowned “the next Sarah Silverman,” the one and only Chelsea Peretti will grace the stage. (superdeluxe.com, Variety SHAC)

A regular at many impressive comedy clubs above and below 14th Street, the eloquent Matt Ruby. (host of Flying Carpet)

The director of the world-famous Totally J/K videos “Lunchtime” and “Explain that Face,” our good friend Oren Brimer, will show us all why he gets paid to make youtubes.

Plus, there may be a another super-secret special guest, but I can’t tell you who it is. (Let’s just say it’ll be a Mo’Nique experience for everyone who comes!)

TOTALLY J/K
TONIGHT @ 8pm
Rififi: 332 E. 11th Street
$5/21+