Bernie Mac’s brother just lost so much money.

I hate that I love this.

Looks like Huckabee’s going after the South Park voters. Ridiculous. I hope he makes Lonelygirl15 his running mate.

Two weeks from now, Barack Obama’s going to be all, “I’m Rick James, bitch!” This is why I couldn’t be a poli-sci major.

Chuck Norris jokes? Zrlzlyuguys, who’s this dude’s campaign manager? Andy Milonakis?

That “kid” has had PLIPPS since birth. Andy MilonaPLIPPS Disease. So sad. (I heard his childhood was exactly like that movie Lorenzo’s Oil, except his parents just fed him so much Sbarro.)

Huckabee is so tight. I bet he owns a Wii.

I’d vote for a President Hugs-his-wii. “I support a constitutional amendment to protect the sanctity of Nintendo Wiis…and, also, no more abortions.”

To my friends and family:

Before I say anything else, I just want tell you all that I love you. Or, rather, I loved you. So much. This wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own. You’ve meant the world to me. Everything I was was because of you. I’ll cherish each and every moment I spent with you, the good times and the bad, for all of eternity.

Unfortunately, the time has come for me to say goodbye. I’m sorry it had to end like this. Please try to understand. I’ve tried so hard. So hard pretending to be something I’m not. Almost an entire year, living a lie. Living in agony. Fighting the urges. Ignoring the voice in my head that kept yelling, “DO IT, JOE! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! JUST DO IT AND GET IT OVER WITH!”

I tried to be strong, but I guess I wasn’t quite strong enough.

The urge overtook me. I lost control. And now I’ll never see any of you again.

Last night, I bought a Nintendo Wii from the Toys R Us on Broadway. It’s everything I dreamed it would be. But, because no one ever wants to come to Queens, and I don’t plan on ever leaving my apartment again, I guess this means goodbye. It was a pleasure having known all of you. I’ll always love you. I couldn’t go on living a lie. This was how it had to end. I wish you all long and happy lives. And even though I won’t be here with you anymore in person, just remember that I’m in a happier place now (and that place is Super Mario Galaxy).

I’m so sorry. Wii is so tight.

Yours in spirit,

Joe

PS: I named my console “Joe Mandwii,” so I should probz go ahead and kill myself for realsies.

Just months after John From Cincinnati was canceled for good, suddenly a mysterious “surfer dude” announces to the world that he’s come up with his own groundbreaking theory of the universe.

(Director’s commentary: “It’s funny, I only knew four things about surfing: Cowabunga, Hang 10, Goofy Style, and Sex Wax. But I think it still works.”)

Anyway, a bunch of real scientists are flipping their collective shit over this theory, mostly because it only needs three dimensions to be proven correct, instead of the ten or more fake invisible dimensions previous theories needed to not make any sense at all.

The surfer’s theory is not only madd chill, but also super simple to understand:

All fields of the standard model and gravity are unified as an E8 principal bundle connection. A non-compact real form of the E8 Lie algebra has G2 and F4 subalgebras which break down to strong su(3), electroweak su(2) x u(1), gravitational so(3,1), the frame-Higgs, and three generations of fermions related by triality. The interactions and dynamics of these 1-form and Grassmann valued parts of an E8 superconnection are described by the curvature and action over a four dimensional base manifold.

Totally, brah. Fermions are soooo electroweak.

Basically, he’s saying the universe is shaped like an enormous E8.

Which, if true, proves my theory that the big bang looked like this:

Barf. I’m sorry. That was so much work just so I could make a retarded Spirograph reference.

Blogs are so tight.

This video made me realize my words mean nothing.

I’ve watched that over 100 times today. No joke.

Click below to see some more classic news bloops!

(more…)

You really need to see this. It’s a video of my favorite house-arrested rapper, T.I., giving his acceptance speech after winning this year’s award for Best New Federal Gun Charges…

Best part:

“And thank you to the judge for even allowing me the privilege of being on house arrest and being here instead of, you know, the clear alternative.”

“And by that, what I mean is, I’m much more comfortable sitting here at home, underneath the warm light of my two Chihuly chandeliers, in my cashmere bathrobe, making youtubes of me almost speaking coherently, with a comically large cigar appearing in my hands out of nowhere, rather than, uhm…you know…gettin’ all raped and shit. Ya dig?”

Tonight at Rififi, Noah Garfinkel and I bring to a very exciting edition of Totally JK. We have some very good and talented friends stopping by, including a few FancyPants college buddies. Shit’s funna get ridiculous.

(After that, come to Cavalcade at UCB Theater @ 11pm.)