Am I late on this? Is the new Snoop Dogg video for real?

Not to brag, or take credit for anything he does creatively, but I’d just like to show you guys a gchat I had with Snoop last month:

(click to enlarge)

Apparently the Lil Wayne and Zac Efron story is a fake, thus making Exhibit B in my “Lil Wayne v. Sanity” case unusable. Faulty evidence. I’m a little embarrassed that I fell for it, actually. It was obviously overdone, but I wanted it to be true so badly that I rushed to judgment. I should have known better. (But, in my defense, it wasn’t THAT hard to believe, considering the dude has a real life man crush on Robin Thicke.)

After some long self-flagellation/deliberation I decided not to erase yesterday’s post, because I still think my one-act play should be made.

My deepest apologies.

PS:

PPS:

Alright. Alright. I admit it. I’m back on the Huckabee bandwagon.

Last week I said I was voting for Tom Tancredo (who I still think is the most qualified and best looking of all the candidates), but right now it doesn’t look like his campaign has much of a chance, which is a shame because he seems to be the only person running who knows the danger of Mexican Jihadists who like to go on shopping mall rampages.

Huckabee, meanwhile, is surging and looking more and more presidential everyday. And by “presidential” I mean “like a deflated tire.” (If Huckabee wins, it’ll be just like my screenplay President Thinner, which was an unauthorized sequel to Steven King’s Thinner combined with a retelling of the 1995 classic The American President.) I’ll listen to any candidate who has overcome morbid obesity. I’ll consider anyone in favor of AIDS colonies. And I’ll fucking endorse any man with a fat ugly son who likes to lynch stray dogs in the woods at Boy Scout camp.

This is a picture of Fat Mike Huckabee next to Skinny Mike Huckabee:

And here’s one of Skinny Mike Huckabee next to a sea turtle:

I really love the new campaign ad from Huckabee. Some people say he’s trying to subliminally use Christian religious symbolism, but I don’t see it.

I have no idea what you’re talking about. There’s nothing creepily religious about that at all.

Here’s Mike Huckabee on MSNBC addressing the “floating cross” controversy:

Mike Huckabee:

“It is a bookshelf people. A. Book. Shelf…Actually, what you didn’t catch was with my eyes I was signaling…a very secret code to all the Evangelicals out there.”

Actually, Governor Thiiiiinnennneeeeeerrrrrrrr, I did catch that.

If you don’t mind, I’d like to quickly go back to last week’s “Is Lil Wayne crazy?” debate, because more evidence has come to life (in the affirmative). If for some reason you weren’t satisfyingly convinced the first time around, I would like to submit this for your consideration. Apparently, Lil Wayne is collaborating with Zac Efron on the next High School Musical CD. Lil Wayne. Zac Efron. Disney’s High School Musical.

I highly recommend reading the entire article. But, for those of you who don’t want to read another entire Lil Wayne interview, how about I just turn it into an original one-act play? (Note: All things in BOLD are taken directly out of the interview.)

“Zac n’ Weezy: A Love Story”
By Joe Mande

Curtains open.

Lil Wayne sits upon a golden toilet, in a large, Scarface-inspired restroom, admiring the prominent nude sculpture of himself across the room. He lifts his pants up and walks towards the sink. A tuxedo-clad bathroom attendant flushes the toilet and scampers back just in time to pump soap in to outstretched hands of Lil Wayne.

LIL WAYNE: You like that sculpture over there?

ATTENDANT: Why, yes I do. What is it, exactly? A Jamaican gremlin?

LIL WAYNE: It’s a sculpture of me you penguin-lookin’ mothafucka.

ATTENDANT: My deepest apologies. I should have known. Would you like some Juicy Fruit gum, sir?

LIL WAYNE: That’s what I pay you for, you stupid ass bitch!

ATTENDANT: Ah, yes indeed. Here you are.

Lil Wayne opens his mouth, taking his Juicy Fruit like a communion wafer.

LIL WAYNE: Nice tuxedo. Suck my dick, penguin. No homo.

Lil Wayne makes his way to the recording studio, where he begins rolling a joint the size of an infant’s arm.

LIL WAYNE: I’m so glad I started making music for white people.

Zac Efron enters, gliding into the room on Heelys.

ZAC EFRON: What’s up my nigga?

Lil Wayne gets up and kisses Zac Efron on the mouth

LIL WAYNE: What’s crackin’, my brother from another mother?

ZAC EFRON: Brother from another mother? You said the same exact thing in San Fransisco, when you followed me into the bathroom at that comic book convention after party.

LIL WAYNE: Yo! You look cute, dawg. Hows about we go record more songs for this High School Musical bullshit.

ZAC EFRON: Sounds dope to me!

Zach Efron enters the booth and puts the headphones on. He begins singing, but Lil Wayne quickly cuts him off.

LIL WAYNE: The acoustics ain’t right. Take your pants off.

ZAC EFRON: If you say so, Weezy.

Zac Efron takes his pants off.

ZAC EFRON (singing): Everybody, all for one! A real summer has just begun! Let’s rock and roll and just let go! Feel the rhythm of the drums! We’re gonna have fun in the sun!

Lil Wayne enters the booth, naked and erect. He begins rapping.

LIL WAYNE (rapping): I’m a dog, you’re all a bunch of fleas on my dick. Driving a Jag, er, like my name was Mick. I’m so sour like cream with chives, and my sperm will make your face break out in hives.

A white screen descends upon the stage. Lil Wayne and Zac Efron make passionate gay love, their shadows projecting onto the screen like Chinese shadow theater. Lights down.

Lights up. The white screen is lifted. We find Lil Wayne and Zac Efron cuddling under a mink coat adorned with patches of all 30 NBA teams.

ZAC EFRON: Man, that was fun. Do you have anything else you’re working on.

LIL WAYNE: Oh, you know, I just did songs with Mannheim Steamroller, something for the new Raffi album, and 16 bars in Spanish on Ricky Martin’s new one.

ZAC EFRON: Wow. Don’t you ever get tired of your schedule?

LIL WAYNE: Hell, no! This is how I live! I get up in the morning, get my dick sucked four times, drink a Molson’s, and then hang out with you, Zac Efron.

ZAC EFRON: Word.

Curtains close. THE END.

For the past two years, I’ve had a full-time job at a fancy glasses store in Soho. However, I’m sad to say, today is my last day in the optical business.

During my time as an eyeglass employee, I’ve slowly been demoted from copywriter to window display artist to, finally, delivery boy. It’s been a long, strange experience that I feel deserves a long, self-indulgent recap.

(more…)

…because Connie Chung looks terrible!!!

I want to earn my PhD in LSD.

(Thanks to Walker and Cantrell.)

Thanks to everyone who came out to last night’s Totally J/K. It was a really great show and the perfect way to finish off the year. (I want to say that we “went out in style,” but I can’t because that’s what that psycho kid wrote in his suicide letter right before he went and shot up that mall in Omaha last week. (Way to ruin a perfectly innocent figure of speech, asshole!))

N*E*WAYZ, Noah and I are already looking forward to starting the show back up again in 2008! We’re especially excited about our brand-new “Clip of the Wiik” segment of the show, which is when our friend Matt James secretly films the two of us playing Nintendo Wii together. It’s seriously the lamest, gayest, and most retarded Noah and I have ever been. And that’s really saying something. Enjoy!

Tonight! The last Totally J/K of 2007! With special guests, videos, cartoons, and a Hanukkah miracle or two!

PLUS, Chelsea Peretti! As well as other surprises!