For the past two years, I’ve had a full-time job at a fancy glasses store in Soho. However, I’m sad to say, today is my last day in the optical business.

During my time as an eyeglass employee, I’ve slowly been demoted from copywriter to window display artist to, finally, delivery boy. It’s been a long, strange experience that I feel deserves a long, self-indulgent recap.

Here is some of my work back from when I was just the Public Relations Assistant/Copywriter. My job essentially consisted of coming up with “sexy” descriptions for newly released eyewear. “Sexiness” was stressed above all else.

< BARF >

NOMAD: Literally the flashiest aviator in the [Redacted] collection, the nomad combines flash mirror lenses with shiny beta-titanium flat fronts. Finished off with sleek titanium temples, the Nomad has not only a great feel, but a no-nonsense look that works for every season.”

PRIMROSE & WISTERIA: A precise mixture of elegance and whimsy. These plastic frames work well as a sun or prescription frame. Both get their namesake from the beautiful blooming engravings left on the temples and framefronts. Whether you’re more partial to the cat-eyed Primrose or the oval-shaped Wisteria, we know you won’t be disappointed.

IKE & TINA: Bold and chic. These are two of the largest frames [Redacted] has ever made, both in terms of size and impact. The large square Tina is the next step up for all the fans of Elektra, while the Ike’s beveled top edge and thick temples artfully combines edginess with elegance. Both are perfect options for someone looking to stand out in a crowd.

< /BARF >

So I did that awful bullshit for about a year, then I was asked to help design and install the window displays for the stores, which I thought was kind of weird because I’m not a gay person. Luckily, this was my supervisor:

< EEK! >

< /EEK! >

Yeah. He was my boss. Like, he gave me orders all the time. And by “gave” I mean “sung.” And by “orders” I mean “show tunes.”

Here are some of the window designs we he came up with (and I installed):

Adorable.

Why, yes, that does say “Sun Protective Fashion.” Is that weird?

Most of our customers actually have very tiny sodded patios outside their apartments, where they keep potted plants and use micro-spades to move around their fluorescent mini-golf rocks (when it gets dark enough, of course). Note: that particular display was widely ridiculed.

Oops! My bad! That’s my college degree. I have a college degree. I went to college.

You know what makes people want to buy $1200 sunglasses? Aquarium rocks, paper locusts, and wavy blue psychedelic Trapper-Keeper material.

This was me for the past year as a delivery boy:

< BARF >< TEARS >

< /BARF >< /TEARS >

In conclusion: I really hope I make it as a comedian. Please? God?

This entry was posted on Friday, December 14th, 2007 at 2:04 pm and is filed under A Prayer, Achievement, Art, Barf, EEEEK, Fashion, Gayz, Optimism, Pessimism, Retards, Self-hatred, Survival, TGIF, The Future, who cares?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.