So, last week we had a show that included Todd Barry, Leo Allen, Heather Lawless, Kevin Allison, and a surprise drop-in by Arj Barker. Yet, despite this stellar lineup, our crowd was embarrassingly small. (Embarrassing for you.) In fact, I was so upset by the turnout, I told Noah I was going right home to Heaven’s Gate myself. And I meant it–I own the black and white Nikes to do it. Luckily, Noah talked me down and, instead, we decided to book another amazing show for tonight. Check it out:

I don’t care how cold and windy it is, we expect you all to come.

Funny story, you guys. Okay, so, I really, really wanted to throw a huge house party tomight. Like so bad. But, I knew I couldn’t do it because…well, I just don’t have any house party supplies. (Lord knows how shitty a house party can be when it’s not properly supplied.) Anyway, I’d just about given up hope for a party when I stumbled upon what may be the most exciting and necessary website in the entire w.w.web: HillaryStore.com–the official online source for all your Hillary Clinton gear.

I was looking through the goodies, trying to find a Hillary gun to blow my brains out, when I found myself in the “Specials” section. Wouldn’t you know it, look what I found there:

Talk about a PAAAAAARTY!!!! Only $135.00?! Are you kidding me? Ten yard signs with wires…two water bottles…my Hillary party is gonna be off the motherfuckin’ hook, y’all!

Here are the deets, everyone: My house! Tonight! Come one, come all! (And don’t forget to bring your bumpers, because they’z guaranteed to get STUCK!)

***UPDATE*** Oh man, I am freaking out! I’ve already gotten so many RSVPs, I’m worried too many people are going to show up. My Hillary house party might turn into a super size Hillary house party. There’s just no way I’d be prepared for a party of that magnitude. What am I going to do?

AWWWW SHIIIIIIIIT! Only $265 for 25 Buttons, a hat, a mug, PLUS the same amount of signs and balloons? Uhm…I’ll take two, please. LOL! This party’s gonna go on till the break-a-break dawn!!! Everyone’s invited!!!!

***UPDATE #2*** Sorry, everyone. I’ve decided to throw a Barack Obama House Party instead. Sorry to CHANGE plans on you guys. It’s simply a better deal. I HOPE you can still make it.

I’ve been too busy writing ransom notes:

(thanks Matt)

Tonight’s edition of Totally JK is legendary. You should seriously come.

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