OMG U GUYZ!! Alicia Keys finally came out of the closet! The Black Panther closet! Because she’s a Black Panther.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!!!

I mean, it’s great. Good for her. It takes a lot of courage to say publicly, “Look, I think the government was behind the assassinations of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G and that white people created ‘gangsta rap’ as a ploy to get young black men to kill each other. And I’ve felt these feelings ever since I was a little girl!”

Crazy. I totally didn’t expect this announcement. I mean, she doesn’t really look like a Black Panther, does she? In my opinion, Alicia Keys looks more like a white girl who just got back from a long spring break in Cancun.

Also, she’s a lesbian.

1. Totally J/K is tonight. Great guests with surprises to be had.

2. I’m the Joke of the Week in this week’s edition of Time Out New York. So please make sure to buy a copy and send it to my parents. Thanks.

Like most other “millenials” in Generation Y, a good portion of my daily routine is devoted to my virtual life on the information superhighway. It’s a place where I get my news and my shoes. And, like most people my age, I can often be found in front of my computer playing a game of Scrabulous with my e-friends on Facebook. (Scrabulous is almost exactly like the popular board game Scrabble, except there’s no physical board and you’re given as much time as you want to think of a word with the help of an online dictionary.) It’s a fun, innocent, and totally futuristic new pastime.

Or, at least I thought it was innocent.

This morning I discovered that an internet acquaintance of mine had challenged me to a new game of Scrabulous. I smiled, cracked my knuckles, and clicked the link. But when the game opened up, this was what I saw:

DIE. As in: to die. Is that a threat? Should I be worried? DIE. That’s such a creepy thing to find waiting for you. Plus, it’s only worth eight points. You expect me to think that “die” was the only word this person could put down? Nope, sorry. This is clearly a terroristic threat.

I feel like I’m a character in some terrible new Wes Craven movie, slowly realizing I’m playing Scrabulous against the vengeful ghost of the old fisherman I accidentally killed near the docks while drunk driving at the beach last summer. I’m sitting there at the computer paralyzed with fear because because I don’t have the right tiles to say, “WHY”, “IMSORRY”, or “PLEASEDONTKILLME”. Meanwhile, on the screen, he keeps putting down the word “DIE” “DIE” “DIE” “DIE” (into the pattern of a swastika).

Actually, I’d probably go see that movie. I’m sure the killer in Prom Night uses Facebook in some fashion. I could see him making a private event with the kids in his Werewolf group, but then when everyone shows up, he’s turns out be an actual werewolf and viciously eats them all. (NOTE: I just put a copy write on that idea. I’m starting the script this afternoon. I’m calling it WorldWideWolf.com/nazi. )

Part of me is relieved this happened over the internet. Because if this were a real game of Scrabble, I think it would go like this:

Friend: “D-I-E. Die. Double word score, eight points.”

Me: “Uhm…you mean like…a die, right? Like dice? Like rolling a die for money?”

Friend: “No, I mean like…DIE!”

And then I’d get murdered with a knife.

Sorry to go back to the Rock The Cradle thing again (the story just won’t die!), but I still don’t understand why my favorite singer in the world, Ben Taylor, son of James Taylor and Carly Simon, didn’t sign up to be a contestant. He’s madd chill. And he totally owns a MacBookPro.

As well as a trampoline (boing!)

Plus, he’s got an Ab Gazebo that his dad built for him. (Best 30th birthday present ever!!! )

Ben Taylor has written some great songs done so many crunches in that gazebo.

This song is on his myspace. It’s Ben Taylor’s version of Snoop Dogg’s “Sensual Seduction,” screwed & chopped & folk-tified.

I like the little laugh at the very end. You can almost see him rolling his eyes like, “Silly black people…” He should go on tour with these guys.

Anyway, I’m sure his parents are really proud of him. Totally met all expectations. I suppose that’s why he didn’t feel the need to go on MTV. He doesn’t have anything to prove to anyone, least of all his girlfriend (who some say is the prettiest girl in the universe).

(more…)

A new show premiered on MTV this week called Rock The Cradle. It’s basically like American Idol, except the contestants all happen to be the spoiled neglected children of terrible washed-up musicians. It’s pretty much the best idea for a television show. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that it’s executed flawlessly.

Well, almost flawlessly. The only thing I think the show could improve upon is maybe paying more attention to the non-musician parents of the contestants. Sure, it’s great to see MC Hammer and Dee Snider there, giving guidance and support to their talented kids. But what about their moms? They’re the ones who actually raised these child prodigies into the undeniable rock stars they are today. Yet, there’s no mention of them on the show nor any information about them on the show’s website.

So, after hours and hours of online detective work, I’ve finally completed a full list of all the Rock the Cradle parents. Enjoy:

A’Keiba Burrell:

Daughter of MC Hammer and “The Chief.”

Fun fact: A’Keiba means “Listen up, gumshoes!” in Swahili. (I totally found that picture by googling “that black lady on carmen sandiego.”)

Lucy Walsh:

Daughter of Eagles’ guitarist Joe Walsh and slutty Paula Zahn.

Jesse Money:

Daughter of rocker Eddie Money (who still looks great, by the way) and Kimmy Gibler.

Lara Johnston:

Daughter of the Doobie Brothers singer Tom Johnston and an adorable, yet alcoholic, little kitten.

Lil’ B. Sure:

Son of R&B singer Al B. Sure and MadTV’s Debra Wlson. (I think this one could be true.)

Crosby Loggins: (How has he not killed himself already with that name? So gross.)

What happens when Kenny Loggins uses a time-traveling beard trimmer.

Jesse Snider:

Son of Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider and Aaron Carter.

This show is his to lose. I’m calling it now.

Chloe Lattanzi:

Daughter of Olivia Newton John and the mutated Simpsons fish.

Landon Brown:

The love child of Bobby Brown and a prostitute inside a Kid Robot store.

Come tonight and see Noah and I discuss our influential role in HBO’s hit mini-series John Adams. Plus, these great performers:

Considering that 95% of my website is about how much I love Lil’ Wayne and how much I hate Hillary Clinton, it’s pretty clear that my two favorite non-pizza things in this world are hip-hop music and American politics. Nothing makes me more excited when these two things come together.

This story just hit the wires and it’s great:

Really 50? You can’t make up your mind?

I guess you don’t really have to be loyal to any one specific candidate when you’re…a convicted felon. He’s a felon, right? Isn’t that his “thing”? He better be! That’s why I bought his first album.

This is the best sentence in the article:

After hearing Obama’s stunning speech on race in America earlier this month, the rapper pulled what is now commonly known in political circles as a “Bill Richardson.”

Exactly. For those of you who don’t know, pulling a “Bill Richardson” is when you buy a bunch of stock in Vitamin Water, get caught snorting coke on Croatian television, and then grow an embarrassing beard.

50 Cent is the worst. I’d totally tell him that to his face.

Look, you guys! I just made this:

April fools! (I’m not that good at Garageband!)