You know who I’m happy for? NPR’s Mo Rocca. (Seen here next to a fan.)

He’s a successful man, which makes sense because he’s so good at what he does.

The following sentence can be found on Mo Rocca’s wikipedia page, and it’s quite possibly be the funniest thing I’ve read in months:

He [Mo Rocca] worked as a writer and producer for the children’s television series Wishbone (1995), The Wubbulous World of Dr. Seuss (1996) and Pepper Ann (1997), and also as a consulting editor to the men’s magazine Perfect 10.

Perfect 10? Oh, you mean the porn mag for breast fetishists? Awesome.

Here’s a video of Mo Rocca doing his thing as a celebrity judge on Food Network’s Iron Chef America:

He went to Harvard.

I made this animation (to use as a tutorial for what to do after I tell a joke):

Mo Rocca, consider yourself PLIPPSED. You’ll never live up to the original Mo of comedy:

You know? From G.U.T.S.?

See them tonight at Totally JK!

8pm SHARP!

In terms of youtubes about sneezing pandas, this one reminds me of the movie US Marshals.

I consider the original to be The Fugutive.

I mean, there was really no reason to make a second Sneezing Panda video. The original is perfect. Over 14 million views? Classic youtube. It’s not like I finished watching the first one and thought, “Hmm…I wonder what happens when the sneezing panda grows up? What if he starts sneezing in front of a bunch of European tourists? I hope someone fucking makes a youtube about THAT.”

Of course, they go ahead and make the second one anyway. And, to be honest, when I first hit play I was expecting the worst. These are never ever any good. However, to my delight, it turned out to be pretty darn good. In fact, I watched it a few times. I think the Sneezing Panda did an amazing job in the starring role. Not only does the camera love his face, but I found his sneezing to be much more refined in this picture. (Though, perhaps a bit overdone.) The only major problem I had with the sequel was the unnecessary addition of those laughing European tourists. Whose idea was that? And why were they audio-only? Honestly, who do they think they are, the people behind the camera of The Escape of Baby Buffalo? HA! I THINK NOT.

Perhaps I’m being a little too harsh harsh on the laughing tourists. But, that’s simply because I’m forced to compare their mediocre work to that of the frightened grownup chewing panda in the original, which I consider to be one of the most iconic, powerhouse performances in the history of .mov files. But, that’s exactly my point: knowing you’ll be compared to that, why even try? Furthermore, if you are going to try, then TRY! Do something, anything, besides laughing at the sneezing panda. Show some range, idiots. Engage me. Whatever, I’m digressing. All I’m saying is I think the second Sneezing Panda video is great, but I found the performance of the supporting cast to be underwhelming and, frankly, a bit arrogant.

All in all, I do believe this is an encouraging start for a surprisingly good summer of youtube sequels. My hope is that someone will make a sequel revolving solely around the musical walrus character in Singing Beluga Whales and Musical Walrus:

(His scene begins at 2:31)

Before I begin, I’d like to first thank all my devoted friends who came to both of my shows last night. I didn’t think anyone would actually do that. The only person I ever paid money to see twice in one day was Jackie Chan, the day Shanghai Noon came out. (Ah, to be seventeen again.)

Today, in honor of these wonderful people, I will be posting not one, but TWO youtubes.

Here’s last week’s Andy Rooney game:

And here’s Rabbi Mordechai Friedman getting so upset about the Pope that he does a comical spit-take:

It’s like The Rocketeer got raped by Transformers.

This Thursday, I will be taking part in two very exciting shows. The first one, “Workdays with Maury,” is at 6:30 pm at the UCB Theater. It’s a little thing I wrote about my adventures working as an unpaid intern at The Maury Povich Show. It’s sort of trial run, so this may or may not be the only time I perform it.

Then at 8:00 pm, as always, I will be hosting Totally JK at Rififi with my friend Noah Garfinkel.

My real friends will make it to both of these.

The winning horse was a massive thoroughbred named “Big Brown.” Big Brown won the race quite convincingly, by a measure of nearly 5 lengths.

Earlier that day, Presidential candidate Barack Obama chose Big Brown to be the winner.

The runner-up in the Derby was a female horse named “Eight Belles.” Despite an impressive and gutsy performance, Eight Belles could only muster a distant second place finish. Also, immediately afterwards, she had to be euthanized on the track because of a fatal injury incurred during the race.

Earlier that day, Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton chose Eight Belles to be the winner.

(There were also 18 other horses in the race, but metaphorically speaking, none of them really matter.)

Sorry, everyone. I’ve been too busy to write on my website last few days. I’ve been redoing my will. Originally, I thought I wanted a traditional Irish wake (like I’d seen on The Wire), followed by a New Orleans jazz funeral procession, followed by a viking funeral…then have my ashes recovered, mixed with clay, and have an artist make a life-size replica of my body…and have that buried in a traditional Jewish cemetery.

But then I found www.perpetualpet.net. Now I know I want my dead body to be “carefully prepared and posed” then “placed into a sealed vacuum chamber at extremely low temperature,” so “all the moisture is removed, leaving the tissues otherwise unaltered” and “subject to the same care and treatment as other valued possessions.”

Look at the satisfied customers of the freeze-drying process:

ROCKE!

That dog is totally DEAD! Can you believe it?

ZAK!

That dog? SO not alive. He looks like he is, but he’s not!

PEACHES!

Come here, boy! Come on, Peaches! Come over here, you silly little baby! Oh, that’s right! You can’t! Because you’re dead!

CISCO!

R.I.P. Cisco: Forever chill.

This is how I want to be frozen for all eternity:

Ugh, look at me. I’m such a douchebag.

ALSO…YOU GUYS…COME TO TOTALLY JK TONIGHT, OKAY?