Sorry, everyone. I’ve been too busy to write on my website last few days. I’ve been redoing my will. Originally, I thought I wanted a traditional Irish wake (like I’d seen on The Wire), followed by a New Orleans jazz funeral procession, followed by a viking funeral…then have my ashes recovered, mixed with clay, and have an artist make a life-size replica of my body…and have that buried in a traditional Jewish cemetery.

But then I found www.perpetualpet.net. Now I know I want my dead body to be “carefully prepared and posed” then “placed into a sealed vacuum chamber at extremely low temperature,” so “all the moisture is removed, leaving the tissues otherwise unaltered” and “subject to the same care and treatment as other valued possessions.”

Look at the satisfied customers of the freeze-drying process:

ROCKE!

That dog is totally DEAD! Can you believe it?

ZAK!

That dog? SO not alive. He looks like he is, but he’s not!

PEACHES!

Come here, boy! Come on, Peaches! Come over here, you silly little baby! Oh, that’s right! You can’t! Because you’re dead!

CISCO!

R.I.P. Cisco: Forever chill.

This is how I want to be frozen for all eternity:

Ugh, look at me. I’m such a douchebag.

ALSO…YOU GUYS…COME TO TOTALLY JK TONIGHT, OKAY?