This weekend I was watching Animal Planet and happened to catch their coverage of the 2008 World’s Ugliest Dog Competition, which I believe was hosted by MADtv’s Debra Wilson (aka T-Pain without the top hat and goatee.) If you’ve never seen or heard of the World’s Ugliest Dog Competition before, it’s a beauty pageant for dogs, except all the dogs are super ugly and almost always severely handicapped. Retarded, a lot of them are retarded. It’s basically like the Special Olympics for dogs, only it’s entirely superficial and kind of mean-spirited. Anyway, the winner was a dog named Archie, but I found myself rooting for Elwood and Munchkin.

What made this year’s competition extra exciting was it’s unpredictability. The perennial champion, a very ugly dog named “Sam,” had just died, so it was anyone’s game. And, of course, Animal Planet made a heartwarming memorial video about the recently deceased Sam:

That video isn’t weird or racist at all. In fact, I’d go so far as to say Tiger Woods is the Sam the ugly dog of golf.

Exhibit A:

(NOT PHOTOSHOPPED)

Okay, so then immediately after the World’s Ugliest Dog Competition was the Animal Planet reality show called “Groomer Has It,” which is a reality show about people who apparently want to be dog groomers. The front-runner is a gay stereotype named “Artist.” Please watch this clip of Artist:

Tiger Woods is the champion of self-grooming gay blind dogs.

My friend Kyle Weber made this. It’s retarded.

For years now, I’ve wanted to have a baby; a tiny little human (or chimpanzee) infant that I could hang out with, talk to, and educate. The thing is, I’m a really busy dude. I simply don’t have the time it takes to be a parent. Plus, I only want a baby. I don’t want a thing that will eventually grow up into something else. I just want a baby that’ll stay a baby and won’t bother me with a bunch of pooping, or crying, or breathing, or moving at all. Basically, I want a frozen baby, which is illegal. And that’s probably a good thing, because I’m super clumsy. I’m not going to spend a ton of money submerging a baby in a vat of liquid nitrogen only to accidentally drop it on my kitchen floor like a week later, shattering into a million pieces. I bet that’s such a mess.

That’s why I’m so excited to announce that I’ve decided to adopt…a cream puff baby…from www.creampuffbabies.com!!! What’s a cream puff baby, exactly? I’m not really sure, but the website says they are “Custom babies made to order!!”

Here’s the cream puff baby mission statement:

Our goal is to capture and create the beauty and realism of infancy into breathtaking “One of a Kind Babies” to be treasured for generations…Each baby reborn at “Cream Puff Babies Nursery” has been given many hours of time, love and care to achieve the most realistic lifelike look. These are “One-of-a Kind Babies” that will never be duplicated.

These are the cream puff babies I’m considering…

Baby Christopher:

“He likes to play with his ears.”

Baby Thomas:

“Thomas didn’t like having his “first bath” so we quickly got him dried off and wrapped up so he’d be warm…I also made him a magnet umbilical cord with clamp that can be used for more display options.”

Baby Kaitlyn:

“We tried giving her a pacifier. She didn’t much like that neither!! She still cried.”

Baby Miracle:

“His head needs supporting just like a real baby’s head when you hold him.”

I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want a baby. Maybe I want a micro-preemie?

Or, maybe I don’t want a micro-preemie. Maybe I want a baby monkey.

Or two?

There’s no Frequently Asked Questions section on creampuffbabies.com, but I think there should be. Here are mine:

• Wait, whaaaat?
• What the fuck is this?
• Why are they called cream puff babies?
• Who would…I don’t…seriously, what is this?

See him tonight at Totally JK. Along with Chris Gethard, Lucas Held, Billy Conohan, and more! Look at the flier, dummy.

If you feel like it, why don’t you check out the weekly blog Noah Garfinkel and I are writing for Comedy Central? (I hope you love politics and/or an overabundance of embedded Red Lasso videos!)

Earlier this afternoon, singer R. Kelly was found not guilty on all 14 charges of his child pornography case.

GULP! You know this verdict means? KID RIOTS!!!

When asked what he planned to do now that he is legally vindicated, R. Kelly told journalists, “I’m going to Disney World! No, seriously. I’m going to Disney World and taking a leak on all those lil’ motherf*ckers!”

(There. I did it. You’re welcome for that timely reference.)

1. Rabbi Mordechai Friedman may hate Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, but he loves reading from the newspaper…

2. Here’s the latest Andy Rooney Game about wristwatches…

3. And come to my show “Workdays with Maury” this Monday at 8pm!

Big-time Totally JK tonight. It’s going to be out-of-control good. You should come to it.

From HBO, Leno, and Last Comic Standing, we have the tallest Jew in showbiz…GARY GULMAN!!!!!
From Live at Gotham, the well-groomed…JULIAN McCULLOUGH!!!
Fresh off his CD recording, the wonderful…TOM McCAFFREY!!!
And in town from Hollywood, California, the highly-regarded…JOHNNY PEMBERTON!!!
Plus us, JOE AND NOAH, doing stand up and talking about the news or whatever the fuck it is we do.

You guys…Chinese people? Am I right?

I just read an article on bbc.com that says a bunch of them are naming their babies “The Olympic Games” in honor of the upcoming festivities in Beijing.

I watched The Olympic Games on Maury. Fat baby episode, obviously.

More than 4,000 children in China have been given the name Aoyun, meaning Olympic Games, in the past 15 years…Officials in charge of identity cards say that more than 92% of the 4,104 registered Aoyuns are boys.

A family in China is only allowed to have one Olympic Games. That’s why they’re going to win the gold in infanticide (and getting a seat on the subway (and now I’m just being racist)).

I wish Americans named their babies after events. My name would be so much cooler. Something like Hitler Diaries Mande. Or Bjorn Borg Retires From Professional Tennis Mande. Or Ghandi Wins Oscar For Best Picture Mande. Or Anything Else That Happened in 1983 Mande.

The following is an ad for a company called Liberator Medical Supply. It’s the best commercial I’ve seen on TV since the Kinoki foot pads. The ad features a woman named Holly who has a couple major problems in her life. Only one of which is using catheters every day.

After watching that video 100 times, I have a few questions for Holly…

Okay, Holly, first off…WHY DO YOU HAVE TO USE CATHETERS EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? Also, why weren’t you devastated about that? Granted, the notion of reusing a catheter every day for the rest of your life is very shitty. But, it pales in comparison to the fact that you still have to use a catheter every day for the rest of your life. You know what I’m saying Holly? That’s like becoming paraplegic and then getting mad when you find out you still have to cut your toenails. Furthermore, Holly, WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED OF TALKING TO STRANGERS OVER THE TELEPHONE? I mean, that’s okay, but it has nothing to do with you having to use catheters every day for the rest of your life. Those are separate issues right there. However, Holly, if you’re having problems with the catheters you use every day for the rest of your life, I’m pretty sure you should only talk to strangers about that. Ideally, they’d be strangers who can’t see your sad face. Not to make light of your problem! Agoraphobia is a real thing. But Holly, you know agoraphobia isn’t treated by using catheters every day for the rest of your life, right? Catheters play no part in mental health. All you need to do is go see a therapist, Holly. Unless of course, you already have a therapist. Oh my god. Holly. Did your therapist say you had to use catheters every day for the rest of your life? Because he is wrong. Also, Holly, WHAT’S WITH THAT CAT AT THE END? You don’t…oh Jesus, Holly. You don’t use cats as catheters, do you? Did you think the word “cath” was just a silly way doctors referred to cats? Because you’re wrong Holly. “Cath” is when you use the word “catheter” as a verb in a weird abbreviated way I’ve never heard before. Of course you’re going to get urinary tract infections, Holly! Your urinary tract is no place for a cat! I don’t care how clean they are, Holly, they’re still cats. But now I totally understand why you were so devastated before. How many cats have you boiled alive and stuffed in your peehole, Holly? Why did you do it? Why? Why?