For years now, I’ve wanted to have a baby; a tiny little human (or chimpanzee) infant that I could hang out with, talk to, and educate. The thing is, I’m a really busy dude. I simply don’t have the time it takes to be a parent. Plus, I only want a baby. I don’t want a thing that will eventually grow up into something else. I just want a baby that’ll stay a baby and won’t bother me with a bunch of pooping, or crying, or breathing, or moving at all. Basically, I want a frozen baby, which is illegal. And that’s probably a good thing, because I’m super clumsy. I’m not going to spend a ton of money submerging a baby in a vat of liquid nitrogen only to accidentally drop it on my kitchen floor like a week later, shattering into a million pieces. I bet that’s such a mess.

That’s why I’m so excited to announce that I’ve decided to adopt…a cream puff baby…from www.creampuffbabies.com!!! What’s a cream puff baby, exactly? I’m not really sure, but the website says they are “Custom babies made to order!!”

Here’s the cream puff baby mission statement:

Our goal is to capture and create the beauty and realism of infancy into breathtaking “One of a Kind Babies” to be treasured for generations…Each baby reborn at “Cream Puff Babies Nursery” has been given many hours of time, love and care to achieve the most realistic lifelike look. These are “One-of-a Kind Babies” that will never be duplicated.

These are the cream puff babies I’m considering…

Baby Christopher:

“He likes to play with his ears.”

Baby Thomas:

“Thomas didn’t like having his “first bath” so we quickly got him dried off and wrapped up so he’d be warm…I also made him a magnet umbilical cord with clamp that can be used for more display options.”

Baby Kaitlyn:

“We tried giving her a pacifier. She didn’t much like that neither!! She still cried.”

Baby Miracle:

“His head needs supporting just like a real baby’s head when you hold him.”

I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want a baby. Maybe I want a micro-preemie?

Or, maybe I don’t want a micro-preemie. Maybe I want a baby monkey.

Or two?

There’s no Frequently Asked Questions section on creampuffbabies.com, but I think there should be. Here are mine:

• Wait, whaaaat?
• What the fuck is this?
• Why are they called cream puff babies?
• Who would…I don’t…seriously, what is this?