I don’t know if you heard the sad news, but Rififi closed down for good last night. This obviously means that my show Totally J/K will be forced to go on a temporary hiatus until Noah and I find a proper replacement venue.

There had been rumors swirling for months saying Rififi was on the verge of closing down, but last night it finally happened. Last night was the last show at Rififi ever. You can see pictures of it here. It was nuts.

Rififi was a small, dark, often smelly place with bathrooms that probably gave you AIDS. It was also my favorite place to do comedy in NYC and I will miss it very much.

Look what I did to my chest:

Sooooo embarrassing. I am not proud of myself, you guys. Except for my tan. I’m very proud of my tan.

(SPOILER ALERT) Guess what? That wasn’t actually me who got the “Dick Sucka” tattoo. I mean, obviously. You can’t get buried in a Jewish cemetery with tattoos on your body. Not to mention a tattoo with such colloquial spelling.

Although, you have to admit the tattoo itself is quite nice. I especially like the hobo patch at the tip of the penis. It adds a bit of mystery. As do the letters “JER” on the right there. I sincerely hope the “Dick Sucka” tattoo was an attempt to cover up a keloidal “Jerk Offa #1″ brand scar.

Anyway, nice work. I’m sure you are the queen of third base.

(Thanks to Hannibal Buress for the link. See him live at Totally JK this Thursday night at Rififi. He’s hilarious.)

Guess who just won a dinner for two at Chili’s???

To those of you who answered Jesse Jackon [sic] or Al Sharpton: I hope you enjoy your never-ending pasta bowls at The Olive Garden, you racists.

(Myspace is for retarded people.)

Swing by Rififi if you enjoy great comedy. We have Wyatt Cenac (Daily Show), Donald Glover (30 Rock writer), Leo Allen (Comedy Central), and Vince Averill (Comedy Central). Plus, Noah and I have fun stuff planned. And yes that mean’s I’ll be reading from Tommy Lee’s autobiography, Tommyland.

I saw this flier on a mailbox in Manhattan yesterday:

This is me talking to the Cheer New York dudes:

“Hey, Cheer New York. Who are you guys? No, what I mean is, what are you cheering for? Are you just rooting for New York City? Like, in general? Because, I mean, that’s great. I love the enthusiasm. But you know guys, New York City was doing just fine before you decided to start cheering for it. In fact, we already had t-shirts made.

Why are you looking at me like that, Highkick?

You’re making me nervous. Stop it.

I feel like I’m missing something. Does the word “cheer” have some other connotation I’m not familiar with? Is that code for something? Did you think I wanted to be cheered for? Or cheered on? Because no. Definitely not.

What does that mean? I’ve never cheered in my life. Seriously, I haven’t! And I’m certainly not, like, a cheerleader.

No no no no. Now you’re misunderstanding me. I’m not making any judgments. You guys do what you want. I fully support the right to cheer. In my opinion, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with two (or more) consenting adults cheering for/on/in each other in the privacy of their own homes. Personally, I just don’t cheer. To be honest, I hardly show much exuberance for anything. But that’s just how I was born. I’m not saying you shouldn’t cheer. I’m saying that when you do cheer, cheer safely. You don’t want to live the rest of your life regretting one crazy night of thoughtless irresponsible cheering.”

Good luck, Cheer New York. One day soon all of New York will be cheering for you. (No homo.)

Political humor = being retarded and making fun of old people.

Here’s the newest video Noah and I made for 236.com:

It’s obvious that Americans have a sick, insatiable demand for celebrity gossip. And while I may think your website to be offensive and sleazy, I understand that it exists simply to supply that demand. It’s a business, I get it.

However, I think you need to set up some guidelines for the photographers on your staff. Actually, I just have one guideline: LEAVE PETER FALK ALONE!

Seriously? Peter Falk? Why would you send someone out to follow Columbo’s every move?

That’s right, people. Peter Falk got caught wearing a pink and teal button-down shirt with a big ass coffee cup on it. You know why? Because he’s a hundred fucking years old and he probably really likes coffee. Give him a break. He worked with the Rat Pack.

Yes, granted, it’s a very ugly shirt and he looks a mess. But, you have to remember, only one of his eyes is real and he could drop dead at any moment.

OMG! Wait…does Peter Falk have a stain on his pants?

Dammit! Too far away. Switch lenses and get a close up!

The photographer was probably like, “BOOM! Take that Peter Falk! You’re going to be all over the blogosphere tomorrow with a big stain on your ass! Haha!…What? What’s a blogosphere? Oh, that’s just another word people use for the internet…The internet is, uh, it’s like a vast network connecting computers all over the world…Computers? Those are the boxes you see people typing on all the time…Yeah, sort, they’re kind of like typewriters. But you can use them to look at pictures of people and stuff…Yeah, I mean, I suppose you could look at pictures of birds if you wanted…Oh, you like birds?…Uh huh…Right…Sure…I don’t really have a favorite bird…No, really, I don’t know…Okay, an oriole…Are you alright, Peter Falk? Do you know where you are right now? Do you want me to take you home?…Oh, no thank you. I don’t really eat hard candy…No, really, I’m fine…Oh, well, thank you. Butterscotch is my favorite…Well, I have to go…I’ll talk to you later…I love you too…Bye!”

[Thanks to Eliot Glazer for the link.]

You got to love Animal Planet’s sassy new dog show commentator. (I can’t stop watching this video.)

Oh yeah? Well I think it’s funna be da English Foxhound, mark-ass trick.

Also…come to this tonight, won’t you?

Thanks!

As many of you know, I am a part-time political cartoonist.

So, anyway…last week I drew a picture that ended up on the cover of the New Yorker magazine. Maybe you heard about it on the news? It showed Barack Obama (dressed up like a sleepy Muslim) in the oval office (burning an American flag) giving ‘daps’ to his wife Michelle (who is dressed like a Black Panther and also Pam Grier). Some people took offense to it, but the New Yorker LOVED IT. So much so, that they asked me to make another cover for next week’s issue. I decided the best thing to do would be to show John McCain and his wife Cindy in the oval office as well. Only this time around, I decided to make a much more realistic portrait. I hope you like it!

In case you missed it, Noah Garfinkel and I were on The McLaughlin Group last Sunday.

Here’s the video:

Big ups to Matt James, our director and editor.