Dear TMZ.com,
It’s obvious that Americans have a sick, insatiable demand for celebrity gossip. And while I may think your website to be offensive and sleazy, I understand that it exists simply to supply that demand. It’s a business, I get it.
However, I think you need to set up some guidelines for the photographers on your staff. Actually, I just have one guideline: LEAVE PETER FALK ALONE!
Seriously? Peter Falk? Why would you send someone out to follow Columbo’s every move?
That’s right, people. Peter Falk got caught wearing a pink and teal button-down shirt with a big ass coffee cup on it. You know why? Because he’s a hundred fucking years old and he probably really likes coffee. Give him a break. He worked with the Rat Pack.
Yes, granted, it’s a very ugly shirt and he looks a mess. But, you have to remember, only one of his eyes is real and he could drop dead at any moment.
OMG! Wait…does Peter Falk have a stain on his pants?
Dammit! Too far away. Switch lenses and get a close up!
The photographer was probably like, “BOOM! Take that Peter Falk! You’re going to be all over the blogosphere tomorrow with a big stain on your ass! Haha!…What? What’s a blogosphere? Oh, that’s just another word people use for the internet…The internet is, uh, it’s like a vast network connecting computers all over the world…Computers? Those are the boxes you see people typing on all the time…Yeah, sort, they’re kind of like typewriters. But you can use them to look at pictures of people and stuff…Yeah, I mean, I suppose you could look at pictures of birds if you wanted…Oh, you like birds?…Uh huh…Right…Sure…I don’t really have a favorite bird…No, really, I don’t know…Okay, an oriole…Are you alright, Peter Falk? Do you know where you are right now? Do you want me to take you home?…Oh, no thank you. I don’t really eat hard candy…No, really, I’m fine…Oh, well, thank you. Butterscotch is my favorite…Well, I have to go…I’ll talk to you later…I love you too…Bye!”
[Thanks to Eliot Glazer for the link.]
