Look what I did to my chest:

Sooooo embarrassing. I am not proud of myself, you guys. Except for my tan. I’m very proud of my tan.

(SPOILER ALERT) Guess what? That wasn’t actually me who got the “Dick Sucka” tattoo. I mean, obviously. You can’t get buried in a Jewish cemetery with tattoos on your body. Not to mention a tattoo with such colloquial spelling.

Although, you have to admit the tattoo itself is quite nice. I especially like the hobo patch at the tip of the penis. It adds a bit of mystery. As do the letters “JER” on the right there. I sincerely hope the “Dick Sucka” tattoo was an attempt to cover up a keloidal “Jerk Offa #1″ brand scar.

Anyway, nice work. I’m sure you are the queen of third base.

(Thanks to Hannibal Buress for the link. See him live at Totally JK this Thursday night at Rififi. He’s hilarious.)

Guess who just won a dinner for two at Chili’s???

To those of you who answered Jesse Jackon [sic] or Al Sharpton: I hope you enjoy your never-ending pasta bowls at The Olive Garden, you racists.

(Myspace is for retarded people.)