A couple weeks ago, I emailed some ideas to Barack Obama for his big nomination acceptance speech at the DNC convention in Denver. I never heard back from him and assumed that he decided to go in a different direction. Whatevs, totally understandable. I’m no Sam Seaborn. So imagine my surprise last night, while watching the historic speech on television, when Senator Obama actually ended up using one of the lines I sent him! I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited, I barfed all over the cocaine I was doing.

Here’s the clip:

“Eight is Enough.” Get it? Like the show starring Dick Van Patton? I’m such a good writer. For reals.

Here is the entire speech I wrote for Obama:

“Tonight, as Evening Shade descends on us in Denver, Colorado, I want to lay out for you, and those watching at home, my vision for the future. A vision I’ve laid out in 8 Simple Rules…

How special it is to speak to you tonight, 45 years to the day that Martin Luther King Jr. spoke about his dream. Well, let me tell you, I have a dream. I Dream of Jeannie! Jeannie Smith, a waitress and single mom in Michigan trying to keep her lights on. George Lopez, a migrant worker in northern California. I dream of normal, hardworking Americans born without Silver Spoons in their mouths.

Though I am only 47 years old, I’ve learned many Facts of Life. My unique Family Ties have taught me one important lesson: Family. Matters.

We are here because we love this country too much to let the next four years look like the last eight. On November 4th, we must stand up and say ‘Eight is Enough!’ We need a leader in the White House willing to make some major Home Improvements. A leader who has shown good judgment, smart diplomacy, and Grace Under Fire!

My Friends, change in Washington won’t come quickly. It will be a Step by Step process that will be done One Day At a Time! But, if you elect me President, I promise our country will soon again see Good Times and Happy Days. And our economy, from Wall Street and Main Street, will suffer. Oh yes, it will suffer…suffer from Growing Pains.

Thank you all! May God bless you! May God bless these United Scrubs of Alfmerica! And please, no matter what, Just don’t Shoot Me!!!”

The one I’m writing for McCain is all reality shows.

Due to unfortunate recent events, I’ve decided to change the title of the play I’m currently writing. “Cyrano De Berniemac” will now be called “Cedrico De Entertainiac.”

Thank you.

Come to my show tonight at UCB!

Stick around for “Banging My Dick Against a Wall,” which is another great show.

Tickets: http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/reservations/create/12486

(No homo, obvzzzz) We were lucky to get out of that dungeon with our lives.

I’m so happy I found this Old Spice deodorant. I used to think I had really bad body odor, but it turns out I just hated myself.

I smell so confident. Now when I sweat, it smells like I look like I own a BMW.

I don’t know if you heard, but Noah Garfinkel and I were on The View last week. It was very exciting. A dream come true. Plus, I finally got a chance to wear the women’s sweater my grandma sent me in the mail. (My grandma sends me women’s sweaters in the mail. Like, all the time.)

Do you know how hard it was not to talk about Joy Bahar’s cleavage? I thought we showed a lot of professionalism and restraint.

Hello friends. This week I’m doing a bunch of shows and I hope and expect that you can make it to all of them.

MONDAY: COMEDY CENTRAL @ CRASH MANSION
199 Bowery @ Spring St. 8pm. $5

TUESDAY: WORKDAYS WITH MAURY @ COMIX COMEDY CLUB
353 W. 14th St. @ 9th Ave. 8pm. $15. ($10 if you use the “JOELIVIA” discount code.)
BUY TICKETS HERE.

WEDNESDAY: HOT COMIX @ COMIX COMEDY CLUB
353 W. 14th St. @ 9th Ave. 8pm. $15.

THURSDAY: BIG TERRIFIC @ SOUND FIX RECORDS
110 Bedford St. Williamsburg, Brooklyn @ 8pm.

FRIDAY: I rest.

John McLaughlin sold us his glaucoma medicine. Check it out: