All-new Andy Rooney Game, you guys:

Amazing. He’s actually complaining that no one has murdered him yet.

Because it’s too funny.

I don’t know if you’ve been following the election closely but the Republican candidate, John McCain, is the worst. And his running mate, Sarah Palin, is even more the worst. Basically, they’re both super shitty people with insane beliefs and if they win we might as well just write a letter to the sun asking it to implode already because what’s the point?

Despite that, I actually think the A#1 worst person in this entire campaign is not McCain or Palin, but rather their cable news spokeswoman, Nancy Pfotenhauer. If you don’t know who Nancy Pfotenhauer is, she’s on TV all day long, each and every day, spouting delusional and disingenuous bullshit through a frightening lizardesque grin. Exhibit A:

Aaaaah! Hide the kids! Her PLIPPS is radioactive.

It’s as if Anne Heche and Jafar from Aladdin had a baby. And then that baby grew up to be a mean-spirited, self-hating woman. And then that mean-spirited, self hating woman met with a cosmetic surgeon and was like, “Hi. Can you put three Michael Jackson noses on my face?” And the cosmetic surgeon was like, “No, I can’t. But, what I can do is put one Michael Jackson nose on your face and make it three times longer.” And then she was like, “Perfect.” That’s who Nancy Pfotenhauer is.

N*E*WAYZ…Earlier this week, while my friend Nick and I were discussing our mutual hatred for her, we inadvertently came up with a brilliant plan.

Joe: Nancy Pfotenhauer needs to be kicked in the neck.

Nick: She’s been haunting the parts of my brain that never see the light of day. My only thoughts on her are: she needs to get that smirk fucked off her face and grow a human-size nose.

Joe: She’s seriously the worst. I’d feel better if they zoomed out and she was in a wheelchair.

Nick: Ha. No zoom out. Just keep the camera on her while she slowly motors out of the frame. Or gets wheeled away by a strong, quiet African-American nurse’s aid.

Joe: Hahahaha

Nick: That is so funny to me right now. Let’s start an internet rumor that she’s bed-ridden or has consumption.

About an hour later, he sent this to me and I still can’t stop watching it.

So, yeah. Tell your friends Nancy Pfotenhauer is in a wheelchair. And that she’s a muslim…and the mother of a secret black baby…that she had out of wedlock…with Jeremiah Wright. Thanks.

As I was walking to Starbucks this morning, listening to my Apple iPhone and catching up on all my National Public Radio podcasts (there’s no need to judge me because I just barfed all over myself for you), I came across Talk of the Nation’s recent interview with world-renowned photographer Howard Bingham. I’m sad to say this interview might be one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard in my life.

The reason I’m sad to say this is because…well…I can’t really tell if Howard Bingham is retarded or not. (I really hope, for the sake of me not being the worst person ever, that he’s not.) I assume he’s not retarded, because being good at photography necessitates a lot complex thought, what with apertures, f-stops, depth of field and all that stuff. But, man. Listening to that guy talk, it really sounds like they’re interviewing someone who, if not retarded, is definitely on the verge of becoming retarded.

Anyway, if you have a little spare time today, I highly recommend listening to the entire 17-minute interview. Because it’s great. But, just to get you started, here’s a little amuse douche:

Eek! That shit is like Howard Stern for people with PhD’s.

By the way, that clip was taken right after the host, Lynn Neary, introduced Howard as the “Forrest Gump of photographic journalism.” How are you not supposed to assume that someone is retarded when he’s introduced as the Forrest Gump of anything?

This is my favorite moment of the interview:

Lynn Neary: Did you love it right away? Did you find out that you loved it right away?

Howard Bingham: It was.

It should also be noted that I’m sorry. (But only half as much as the 9-11 mime. Perhaps even less.)

Here’s the latest 23/6 video. It’s called “Joe and Noah’s If We Were Charlie Gibson: The Sarah Palin Interview.”

(Warning: It may be the creepiest thing ever.)

Hahaha! Take that, McCain campaign! You just got photoshopp’d!

(I’m so tight at political humor.)

Hi friends! Tonight I’m doing my show Workdays With Maury at the UCB Theater, alongside internet celebrities Jenny Slate and John Roberts. If you’ve never seen it, you should It’s my painful and all-true story of working as an unpaid summer intern at the Maury Povich show.

Please come! It would be a mitzvah. For me. To you. Click here for ticket reservations: http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/reservations/create/12700.

Jenny Slate:

John Roberts:

1. I just read that Joe Biden has chosen his prep partner for the upcoming vice-presidential debates, and it’s Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm. From the New York Times:

Ms. Granholm, a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of the University of California, Berkeley, and Harvard Law School, has agreed to devote four days to Mr. Biden’s prep work.

Uhm…what? Why would Joe Biden do that? This Granholm lady sounds like a totally qualified and capable person. Shouldn’t he be practicing on someone like Dina Lohan?

2. You should watch this Comedy Central video in which I pretend to be so upset about fantasy football.

3. Come to Assscat 3000 this Sunday night at UCB Theater. 7:30 and 9:30pm. I’ll be the guest monologist for both shows. Chances are I’ll be talking about childhood diarrhea. Should be a fun time.

Look, before you watch this video, just know in advance that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

This guy should have been John McCain’s VP choice (as well as my grandfather):

(Double click box below.)

My favorite thing about the video is that poor Ed knows nothing about cum. And no one on the set had the heart to tell him.

Dream ticket: