I don’t know if you’ve been following the election closely but the Republican candidate, John McCain, is the worst. And his running mate, Sarah Palin, is even more the worst. Basically, they’re both super shitty people with insane beliefs and if they win we might as well just write a letter to the sun asking it to implode already because what’s the point?
Despite that, I actually think the A#1 worst person in this entire campaign is not McCain or Palin, but rather their cable news spokeswoman, Nancy Pfotenhauer. If you don’t know who Nancy Pfotenhauer is, she’s on TV all day long, each and every day, spouting delusional and disingenuous bullshit through a frightening lizardesque grin. Exhibit A:
Aaaaah! Hide the kids! Her PLIPPS is radioactive.
It’s as if Anne Heche and Jafar from Aladdin had a baby. And then that baby grew up to be a mean-spirited, self-hating woman. And then that mean-spirited, self hating woman met with a cosmetic surgeon and was like, “Hi. Can you put three Michael Jackson noses on my face?” And the cosmetic surgeon was like, “No, I can’t. But, what I can do is put one Michael Jackson nose on your face and make it three times longer.” And then she was like, “Perfect.” That’s who Nancy Pfotenhauer is.
N*E*WAYZ…Earlier this week, while my friend Nick and I were discussing our mutual hatred for her, we inadvertently came up with a brilliant plan.
Joe: Nancy Pfotenhauer needs to be kicked in the neck.
Nick: She’s been haunting the parts of my brain that never see the light of day. My only thoughts on her are: she needs to get that smirk fucked off her face and grow a human-size nose.
Joe: She’s seriously the worst. I’d feel better if they zoomed out and she was in a wheelchair.
Nick: Ha. No zoom out. Just keep the camera on her while she slowly motors out of the frame. Or gets wheeled away by a strong, quiet African-American nurse’s aid.
Joe: Hahahaha
Nick: That is so funny to me right now. Let’s start an internet rumor that she’s bed-ridden or has consumption.
About an hour later, he sent this to me and I still can’t stop watching it.
So, yeah. Tell your friends Nancy Pfotenhauer is in a wheelchair. And that she’s a muslim…and the mother of a secret black baby…that she had out of wedlock…with Jeremiah Wright. Thanks.
