Check it out, you guys! For the second week in a row, I’ve been selected as the New Yorker cartoon caption contest winner. I believe that’s unprecedented.

If you are still in NYC tonight, you should come to Totally JK.

It’s going to be great. But not as great as the movie Beyonce Anything:

I want two of these:

One of these:

A pair of these:

A pair of these:

Four of these:

Two of these:

and one of these:

Tonight I’m doing Nights of Our Lives tonight at UCB Theater. If you’ve never been, it’s a monthly storytelling show hosted by the amazing David Martin. It’s probably my favorite show in New York to see/do. Tonight’s theme is “Guiltiest Night of My Life.”

The Nights Of Our Lives:
The Guiltiest Night of My Life

Featuring all of the boys you’ve come to know and love: Anthony Atamanuik, Joe Mande, John Gabrus, and Chris Gethard!

All hosted with aplomb by “the fantastically funny Dave Martin.” - Time Out New York

Wed November 19th, 2008
9:30 pm $5
Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theater
307 W. 26th St. (8th Ave)
Click here for reservations.

Sadly, Nights of Our Lives is at the exact same time as Totally JK, which means I won’t be able to make it tonight. But, if you are in Brooklyn, you should still go. Noah is hosting solo (you know what that means…that’s right, lots of Holocaust jokes) and it’s a great line-up: Leo Allen, Roger Hailes, DC Pierson, and Sean O’Connor.

Hey guys. Big news. This week I was chosen by New Yorker magazine as their cartoon caption contest winner. This is a big deal and I’m very happy about it. Here is my winning entry yaaaaay:

(FYI: I’ll probably win the caption contest every week for eternity. So stay tuned.)

If you missed the Totally J/K Triumphant Return Show last week, just know that it was nuts. Todd Barry was there. Reggie Watts was there. Sarah Silverman even dropped by and did a set and it was free and you should have been there and oops you’re an idiot.

Don’t be an idiot twice! This week we have another spectacular show planned.

Ignore that Veteran’s Day hangover and come out! I want to say that there will be a special on Demetri Martinis tonight, but I know he’d hate that. Good thing I restrained myself.

RSVP on Facebook.

The nice people at CollegeHumor recently posted a video of me doing stand up at one of their live shows. I remember the show being a lot of fun and having a good set. But, according to all the comments my video has received so far online, I come off as an EPIC FAIL joke stealing FAAAAAG who has some potential, but is mostly the worst for having sex with turtles.

Yeah.

You guys…I think I may have taken a bunch of Ambien and accidentally cast the new David Mamet play on Broadway:

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what happened. And, might I say, I hit it out of the park on this one. Furthermore, check out Haley Joel Osment’s face:

That pretty much worked out for him.

JoeMande.com fashion poll:

WHO WORE IT BETTER? President-elect Barack Obama or N.W.A.I.D.S. victim Eazy-E?

So, Barack Obama won the election last night and will soon become the 44th president of the United States of America. Which means we can use the N word now. Right? Right? (Oof, I hope so. I printed so many t-shirts.)

Experts said the election was pretty much over once Pennsylvania was called for Obama. And if you want to know how Obama won the keystone state so convincingly, just watch this CNN interview from earlier in the day of Philadelphia voter Ron Jones.

Oh, Ron Jones. You’re our Joe the Plumber.