1. Totally J/K is tonight. Great guests with surprises to be had.

2. I’m the Joke of the Week in this week’s edition of Time Out New York. So please make sure to buy a copy and send it to my parents. Thanks.

For the past two years, I’ve had a full-time job at a fancy glasses store in Soho. However, I’m sad to say, today is my last day in the optical business.

During my time as an eyeglass employee, I’ve slowly been demoted from copywriter to window display artist to, finally, delivery boy. It’s been a long, strange experience that I feel deserves a long, self-indulgent recap.

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If you pick up the newest issue of Heeb Magazine, you will see my name included in “The Heeb 100,” their annual list of 100 Jews to watch. (That’s in the entire diaspora, son.)

Hey, world! Get ready to watch this Jew!!!

Being on the Heeb 100 is an honor. In fact, it’s pretty much the second best list a Jew could ever hope to be on. (The first best.)

Heeb100.com has the entire list, including little Jewy bios of everyone. Be sure to see my friends Jenny, Josh, Brett, and Seth as well. Oh, and DJ AM, obvz.

Did you read/hear/barf about the French woman who received the world’s first partial face transplant? Seriously. A face transplant.

Basically, what happened was this French woman was sleeping when, all of the sudden, she woke up and discovered her dog had eaten most of her face/off. Doctors quickly replaced her face with Nicolas Cage’s face. She was then sent to giant magnetic prison in the middle of the ocean.

This is what The Guardian says happened:

After a bad week, the seamstress had taken a large dose of sleeping pills “to forget”.

Wait, stop right there. To forget? This is already an amazing story.

Reporter: So, how’d you lose your face?
No-face Lady: Well, it all started when I took a large dose of sleeping pills.
Reporter: And what was your reason for taking such a large dose of sleeping pills? 
No-face Lady: Oh, you know. “To forget.”

I could seriously walk away from this story right here and be totally satisfied. But, no. The story only gets better (not better).

She woke on her sofa and tried to light a cigarette, and then noticed blood and the presence of her dog beside her. Looking in the mirror, she discovered her terrible injuries. 

AAAAAAAAHHHH! She didn’t know she didn’t have a face until she tried to light a cigarette? What clued her in exactly? The not having lips part? Jesus. I bet she hates that dog.

She said she had “no hatred” for her labrador-cross Tanya, who she felt had been trying to save her.

Correct. I just looked up the word “save” in a dog dictionary:

save: /seɪv/
–verb (used with object)

1.to rescue from danger or possible harm, injury, or loss
2. to keep safe, intact, or unhurt
3. to rip off and eat a human’s face
4. to avoid the spending, consumption, or waste of bones

Anyway, she got a donor face and the rest is medical history:

BTW, the donor face came from a woman who killed herself. So…therefore…I can’t handle reading science news anymore.

All things considered, you have to admit she looks great (”great” means “permanently photoshopped,” right?). Although, I think it was pretty rude of the surgeons to graft a voice bubble like that, dontchya think? (JK, you guys! I did that part myself! [COMEDY!])

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Last week, Max Silvestri and I made a viral video spoofing the important VH1 reality show The Pick Up Artist. Needless to say, the youtube was a sensation that swept the internet like a monsoon of chocolate rain yelling “Leave Britney alone!!!”

Anyway, the effect of our video was more powerful than even Max and I could have imagined (which is crazy, because we both imagined the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences creating the category “Best YouTube” just so they could give us an Oscar for our work).

Anyway anyway, you should seriously go to Max’s blog immediately to check out the email that PUA contestant Joe D* wrote to us regarding the video. It’s pretty much the best non-Maury Povich thing to ever happen to me.

* = a.k.a. “The Glamorous Pig,” as my GF lovingly refers to him.

The official trailer for Yeti: A Love Story came out today.

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

I seriously want to kill myself after watching that. But, if I did, my participation in that movie would be the last thing I ever got onto IMDB. And, therefore, I must carry on.

Here’s the description that went along with it:

It’s “King Kong” meets “Brokeback Mountain” in “Yeti: A Love Story”, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti!

Me: “Seriously, Dad, just because I’m in a movie about a gay bigfoot who rapes boys in the woods, that doesn’t make me gay.”
My Dad: “…”
Me: “I don’t even get raped in the movie. I get shot in stomach as I run through the woods in my underwear.”  
My Dad: “…”
Me: “To get away from the gay bigfoot!”

My sincerest congratulations to Adam and E-Rock for getting national distribution on Yeti. I just wish you guys would please go back and pixelate my face out.

Did you hear about Barrington Irving, the 23 year-old kid who just finished flying around the world? Yeah, you read that right. He flew AROUND THE WORLD! In an AIRPLANE!

HE DID IT!

Wait a minute, is this the 21st century? It is, right?

I just got a little confused because it’s 2007 and the New York Times just published a story celebrating a person for flying around the world. And not with a jet-pack.

“My plane had no radar and no de-icing equipment,” said Mr. Irving, after the Rao’s crowd welcomed him back to earth with a warm ovation. “It was just me up there, alone, flying on gut instinct — pretty much the way Charles Lindbergh and Amelia Earhart did it.”

Yeah, I guess it was pretty much the same way. Except now you live in an age where people fly all the time. Oh, also, the moon? We did that, too. Over forty years ago.

The trip, which cost roughly a million dollars, was rejected by more than 50 different sponsors.

Uhm, no shit? A million dollars? Seriously? What? WHAT? Do you know what else you could buy for a million dollars? Like, five jet-packs. What an idiot.

Barrington Irving: Hi, I’m looking for sponsors to help pay for my trip around the world.
Sponsor: (Opens wallet) Okay, how much are you looking for?
Barrington Irving: About a million dollars.
Sponsor: Did you just say a million dollars? Go away. Are you retarded?

96 days, a million dollars, and an outdated dream. That’s all it takes.

Hey, look what I just did:

That’s a trip around the world I just planned. In less than a minute. I’ll fly around the world in 3 days for only 4 thousand dollars. Plus, I gave myself some time to shop a little bit.

In conclusion: Orbitz. Look it up, shithead.