So, I discovered this video earlier today and I’ve now decided to be born again. (By the way, does anyone have literature on the Christian re-birthing process? How does that work exactly? Does my Mom have to be there? Because, believe me, she will not be down.) Check it out. It starts getting really good at 1:06.

That’s the #1 video on Godtube.com this week. #2 is called “Awesome Sled Wrecks.” Obviously.

This one is good too! It’s like Weird Al meets Jerry Falwell.

I never knew how important the virtue of parody was to Jesus Christ.

Also, did you know Christians hate Christians and Hell is a reality? Because apparently they do and it does.

As some of you may know, I haven’t been online a lot recently because I’m currently on the road with fellow comedian John Mulaney. We’re performing at a bunch of Midwestern colleges; places like St. Joseph’s College in beautiful downtown Rensselaer, Indiana (funny aside: didja know “Rensselaer” is the German word for “methlab?”). But I have to admit, The Road is fucking hard, you guys. It’s seriously so cold outside. Like, it hasn’t gotten above single digits. Plus, everything is covered in ash and all we have to eat is canned peaches. John has done a great job this trip keeping my spirits up while he struggles to push our grocery cart through the muck towards the sea, but sometimes in the mornings I hear him coughing up blood, and it makes me scared. I can’t face these cannibals by myself.

JK! It’s been a lot fun. For me, the highlight of the trip thus far was two nights ago, when we walked into North Central College’s Student Activities Center in Napersville, Illinois. The doors of the facility were decorated with drawings celebrating Martin Luther King Jr’s “I Have A Dream” speech. Adorably racist drawings. It said they were made by third graders asked to summarize MLK’s famous “I Have a Dream” speech, but a part of me thinks that maybe they were actually done by the students of NCC. We’ll never know for sure. No matter what, Dr. King’s dream will live on through these pictures, dissolving in and out as my computer’s screen saver until the end of time.

What’s up, indeed.

Well, no one likes sitting in the back of a roller coaster.

His real dream is white superman? What? Was he having a nightmare?

I don’t think he saw the world in terms of olives OR anchovies. I think MLK saw the world as one big, delicious supreme pizza.

Kids draw the darndest things. (Darndest means insensitive, right? For reals though, how the fuck did those pictures make it out of a classroom? Who is teaching American History to these little monsters, and is like “Olives or Anchovies? That’s an interesting interpretation, Bobby. Very good! I’m sending that one over to the college.” A Nazi-lady, that’s who.)

PS: If you’re in New York, you should go to this tonight. It’s our one-year anniversary.

I just watched this 100 times, and…I think that might make me a sex criminal?

Quick recap: the polar ice caps are melting, the government is bankrupting itself, and kids are shooting each other in the face with cumguns.

Proving racism still exists in America, New Hampshire voters made Hillary Clinton the surprise winner of last night’s primary, over Barack the Black Abe Lincoln. Pollsters and pundits had assumed all day long that Obama would carry the state because of the record turnout. But, it turns out the turnout preferred the more experienced Democratic candidate, who campaigns on a promise to use her barfy witch face to bring about certain doom and damnation upon the entire world.

Sorry, was “barfy witch face” too harsh? Explain this, then: