I saw the most amazing person in New York City on the subway today. I stared at him for a good half hour, absorbing every detail. I can’t even describe it, other than it was like seeing a unicorn. Only way gayer and more magical.

Has anyone else seen this man? I need to know what his deal is. Please?

(Note: I seriously need a camera phone.)

1: Severely crossed eyes.
2: Real mustache.
3: Fake, painted-on handlebar mustache.
4: Silly glasses.
5: Sam Cassell head.
6: Eyeliner.
7: Black spandex top (possibly a unitard).
8: Pleated women’s fat pants.
9: Miniature briefcase.
10: Homemade belt made of purple streamers.
11: Military boots.
12: Clipped-on cell phone (attached to purple streamer belt).
13: Four extra-fine Sharpie markers (blue).
14: Giant red leather wristwatch.

Sometimes, when it’s gross and rainy outside, I search for an up-tempo and inspirational youtube to help get me through the day. Today I think I hit the jackpot.

Wow. So good. Like, SOOOOOO good. I can’t handle how good it is. Seriously, 2:52-2:56 of that video rivals Little Superstar’s 0:36-0:41 for the funniest thing I’ve seen on the internets. Uhm, her face?

By a show of hands, who thought Evelyn Thomas was full-blown retarded?

Can we make this the new internet sensation? Please? God?

(Also, 1:33-1:40 and 2:03-2:04.)

I’m seriously considering cancelling my cable subscription and spending $120 a month exclusively on whippits, because I’m pretty sure the net brain cell loss would be about the same. If not less.

I say this because last night was the premiere of MTV’s new show “Celebrity Rap Superstar.” The show is superb and probably my new favorite, but I’m pretty sure I forgot at least 8 state capitals just by watching it. The premise is simple: celebrities (a gossip blogger, Kevin Federline’s black ex-girlfriend, a retired football player, etc.) perform rap-karaoke with the help and guidance of their very own washed up rap superstar mentor. In other words, it’s all you could ever want or need from a television show.

There were two performances in particular that were utterly mind-blowing. The first was when Jason Wahler from Laguna Beachhad a full-blown PLIPPS attack while performing his rendition of the hip-hop classic “Ridin’” by Chamillionaire.

I think the problem was Jason Wahler thought he was cast for a show called “Celebrity Act Like an Out of Touch Camp Counselor Superstar.” Because, in that case, he nailed it.

By the way, Da Brat is a ZING MACHINE. (That’s a term I use for “stoned lesbian.”)

Here’s Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite doing a 50 Cent song:

It might have sounded really bad, but that’s only because this was the lyric sheet they gave him:

“In Da Club”
by: Fiddy Cent (not Fifty Cents)

You can find me in the club, body full of bub.
Mama, I got what you need if you need to feel a buzz.
I’m into having sex, not into making love.
So come give me a hug if you’re into ruh-muh-a-ruh.
If I pull up on funny, you see the bend on dup.
If I row twenty deep, it’s always jumping in the club.
When I roll with Dre, everybody show me love.
When I throw Eminem, you better ehhhhhm’love.
Zuh-muh-nuh-ma-nuh, … Jesus.

(Stop and squint eyes.)

If I got Shamu: L, M, N, O, Pimp.
Eh-guh…ha-choo, ch…guh…hassah hit.
If….ung-uh in LA, esta 50 is hot.
If I like me and I love me, but they love pot.
But holla in New York and Joe tell me I’m loco.
But holla in New York…en-summa-nuh choke-oh.

The voters should at least take that into consideration. Also, the fact that he seems to be a mentally retarded foreign person.

Prediction: This contest is Sebastian Bach’s to lose. He pwned it.

Yesterday morning, I went through the trouble of uploading the lesbian fox routine from the So You Think You Can Dance finale onto youtube. I did this because I felt it was important for those who missed it to see the most gaytarded thing ever made. In fact, I even edited it down a little–CUT THE FAT OUT–to streamline the gaytarded nature of the video and make it more enjoyable (see: less enjoyable) for the viewing public. And for what?

I’m sad to say that this stupid fucking clip is quickly becoming my most widely viewed online video. As of this morning, it’s gotten almost 3000 hits and already has garnered over 20 viewer comments. The comments, by the way, are overwhelmingly positive and completely void of irony.

The world is a cold, miserable, stupid place and youtube is the cause of it.

Click below to read my fave comments so far:

(more…)

Every week, my girlfriend punishes me by making me watch So You Think You Can Dance with her. At first, the show was so intensely gay that I couldn’t even handle it. But, as the season progressed I managed to slowly build a tolerance to it, forming a callous on my brain.

During last night’s broadcast, however, there was a dance that totally shattered my new-found resolve. The typical amount of gayness that I’ve grown accustomed to was somehow combined with an equal (if not larger) amount of profound retardation. Plus a hint of Disney. The result was, without rival, the most intensely WTF thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

I’d give Wade Robson PLIPPS, but I feel like he’s already given it to himself. Only a PLIPPS victim would wear a flowy linen hippie shirt with sanskrit lettering all over it. Or choreograph a dance for national television about rabid lesbian foxes. What a mess.

Hey, have you heard the new hot jam of the summer? It’s Will.I.Am’s “I Got It From My Mama”? Check it out, it’s dope!

Got it from my mama? LOL! That is classic Will.I.Am, right there! Boy, I’ll tell ya. That guy is something else. He’s maybe the most original voice we have in mainstream hip-hop today. An unparalled talent.

(Joe sets time machine back to 2002.)

Hey, have you heard the new hot jam of the summer? It’s Juvenile’s “Mama Got Ass (She Get it From Her Mama)”? Check it out, it’s the bomb!

Got it from her mama? LOL! That is too much! This Juvenile guy is something else. He’s on a whole other plane. A rap song about ass genetics? Forget about it. No one is even close to doing what he’s doing. NOR WILL ANYONE EVER COME CLOSE. That’s my prediction.

Faith Hill calmly confronts a female fan who groped her husband, Tim McGraw, mid-concert:

Uhm, I think that’s called “Southern Hospitality.” Ever heard of it?

And while we’re on the topic, my friend Nick just sent me the new Brad Paisley music video, for song called “Online.” It’s truly amazing.

Did you know that if you mix country music with modern technology, you get a very sad version of Seinfeld? 

Michael Bay’s Transformers made like a billion dollars over the Fourth of July holiday. $80.50 of those dollars belonged to me. Look:

“7 Adult Tickets to: Transformers (PG-13).” That’s basically where my life is right now.

I’ve been waiting for a live-action Transformers movie for over 20 years, and I say that truthfully. I haven’t been this excited for a movie since Michael Crichton’s Congo in 1995. (Also true.)

All I have to say about Transformers is: I’m going to have to see at least eight more times. Not only because it was amazing, but because it was also quite possibly the most confusing film I’ve ever seen. It was so fast and so loud, I had very little idea what was going on. It was like a car wreck, only it lasted longer than two hours, and the cars were also 60-foot robots. 

Within the first ten minutes of the movie, the setting changed from outer space, to Qatar, to the North Pole a hundred years ago, to Bernie Mac’s used car lot. It was simply too much to comprehend. I made a list of things I think I understood. These twelve things constitute all I was able to process after one viewing:

TWELVE OBSERVATIONS ABOUT TRANSFORMERS:

1. Transformers was the best movie I’ve ever seen in my life.

2. Transformers was the most retarded movie I’ve ever seen in my life. (I mean “retarded” not in a colloquial sense, but in a retarded-people sense.)

3. If you didn’t already know, Transformers are an advanced and ancient species of alien cyborgs who speak English and all turn into General Motors vehicles. They are divided into good robots (Autobots) and some are bad robots (Decepticons).

4. All Autobots understand the importance of good, old-fashioned physical comedy.

5. You know when a police car is really a Decepticon in disguise when the decal on its rear door says “To Punish and Enslave” instead of “To Protect and Serve.” Sort of a dead giveaway, if you ask me.

6. One Autobot is named “Jazz.” He’s the “Black” one. He loves to break dance, lacks a certain amount of empathy, and turns into a Pontiac Solstice. (Minor quibble: wouldn’t a real Black robot turn into a Cadillac? Or at least a GMC Yukon? I watch The Wire, I know what’s up.) Jazz was voiced by veteran actor Darius McCrary, better known to many as Eddie Winslow. So tight.

7. Jazz is also the only Autobot to die. Obviously. This raises an interesting question: Is Jazz’s death yet another example of a predictable Hollywood stereotype, or are you crazy to think it’s racist when an alien Pontiac dies in battle?

8. There will be an applause break in the theater when Bumblebee transforms from a rusty old hoopty into a 2008 Chevrolet Camaro. The cheering will not be sarcastic.

9. Because they’re machines, Transformers don’t produce bodily waste. However, they will totally piss on your head for the sake of comic relief (see #4). 

10. Remember when girls in high school looked like this?

11. The words “Put that cube in my chest!” only get funnier the more times they’re uttered.

12. The movie ends with what looks like the beginning of a human/car/robot orgy. Leaving room for a very exciting, and erotic, sequel.

Needless to say, I give it 5/5 stars CARS!

Paris Hilton is a sixth-grade Hmong girl.

Look at this self-portrait she drew while in prison:

(All my St. Paul peeps know what I’m talkin’ about! Look at that shit. It’s uncanny)

Also, did the Post nail it this morning, or did they nail it?

It’s true, the bimbos were FREAKING OUT yesterday.

When it comes to people constantly dissing France, I’d have to agree with Bill Maher:

But sometimes France actually deserves it.

Like when they give Nick Cannon the “Breakthrough Actor” award at the Cannes Film Festival. You know, for his powerful and memorable portrayal of some black dude in the powerful and memorable Emilio Estevez biopic Bobby. Remember that? When Nick Cannon totally broke through after that movie Bobby came out? Everyone was talking about it.

Nick Cannon? France, seriously, this is inexcusable. Even in a country full of pompous, frog-eating, chain-smoking cowards who take aspirin with their butt holes, this shouldn’t happen.

Don’t they have IMDB in France? Don’t they know Nick Cannon has already had a handful of breakthrough performances? Who could forget Roll Bounce? How about Drumline, people? Or his masterful voice work in 2004’s animated hit Garfield? Not to mention how he’s earned the title “the new king of improv.”

Every single day, I look up to the sky and thank God that Nick Cannon wasn’t aborted. Because, if his mother was French, he so would have been RU486′ed. No question.

This is Nick Cannon’s entire bio on Wikipedia:

They forgot “France thinks he’s amazing.”

Fantastique!