Paris Hilton is a sixth-grade Hmong girl.

Look at this self-portrait she drew while in prison:

(All my St. Paul peeps know what I’m talkin’ about! Look at that shit. It’s uncanny)

Also, did the Post nail it this morning, or did they nail it?

It’s true, the bimbos were FREAKING OUT yesterday.

When it comes to people constantly dissing France, I’d have to agree with Bill Maher:

But sometimes France actually deserves it.

Like when they give Nick Cannon the “Breakthrough Actor” award at the Cannes Film Festival. You know, for his powerful and memorable portrayal of some black dude in the powerful and memorable Emilio Estevez biopic Bobby. Remember that? When Nick Cannon totally broke through after that movie Bobby came out? Everyone was talking about it.

Nick Cannon? France, seriously, this is inexcusable. Even in a country full of pompous, frog-eating, chain-smoking cowards who take aspirin with their butt holes, this shouldn’t happen.

Don’t they have IMDB in France? Don’t they know Nick Cannon has already had a handful of breakthrough performances? Who could forget Roll Bounce? How about Drumline, people? Or his masterful voice work in 2004’s animated hit Garfield? Not to mention how he’s earned the title “the new king of improv.”

Every single day, I look up to the sky and thank God that Nick Cannon wasn’t aborted. Because, if his mother was French, he so would have been RU486′ed. No question.

This is Nick Cannon’s entire bio on Wikipedia:

They forgot “France thinks he’s amazing.”

Fantastique!

In this week’s New Yorker, Lauren Collins writes an amazing feature article about the elusive urban artist known only as “Banksy.” For those of you out of the loop, Banksy has become the most famous graffiti artist in the world, but has also remained completely anonymous in the process. His artwork is auctioned off at places like Christies, some selling for hundreds of thousands of dollars. No one knows what he looks like or where he lives. He has vowed to keep his identity a secret and never reveal his face.

But, as they say, you should never say never. Or, rather, I shouldn’t. What I mean is…I take it all back. It’s me.

I’M BANKSY. 

There. I said it. I’m super tight at urban art. Get over it. 

Me.

All me.

See what I did there? With the thing?

Me. Me. Me. I’m the fucking best.

Why now, you ask? Because it’s time, that’s why. The world should know me by my true self: Banksy. I am Banksy. It feels good just to type it.

So from now on, please make all Banksy-related checks out to me, Joe Mande. You can write “Banksy” in the memo section if you want. Thanks.

My fans are the best,

Joe “Banksy” Mande

P.S.: I just retired. As of right now. So, I’m not really going to make art again, like, ever. Sorry, I think it’s played out. But remember, if you see other Banksies from now on, just know that they are fraudulent and that I, Joe Mande, am the tightest stenciler ever and deserve a ton of money. Thanks again for all the support.