Say hello to my lipid friends…
Thursday, January 31st, 2008Shocking news today. As reported by mediatakeout.com (a.k.a. “The Most Visited Black Website in the World” (a.k.a. my “homepage”)), actress/comedienne Mo’Nique has been accused by her ex-husband of taking, and even selling, cocaine. This was his quote:
Not only was [Mo'Nique] an avid marijuana user, but she also did cocaine. And what’s worse, she began making money dealing coke … [After we separated] Mo’Nique threatened my life! She said if I ever told anyone about her lifestyle, she’d hire someone to kill me.
This is how I think it went down:
Mo’Nique: “If you ever, and I mean EVER, tell anyone that I’m a fat disgusting slob with an overabundance of fraudulent self-confidence, I’ll hire someone to kill you.”
Mo’Nique’s ex-husband: “Yikes. I just asked you what you wanted on your pizza.”
Mo’Nique: “Oh, my bad! Could you ask them to put ten other pizzas on my pizza? Thanks.”
That’s actually a excerpt from the new Mo’Nique biopic I just wrote and directed. Here’s the poster:
It’s kind of homage to DiPalma’s classic, except re-done using the real-life story of Mo’Nique, who plays herself in the film. This is the basic plot: We see a young Mo’Nique (short for “More Unique”…just kidding, it means nothing) making her way through the biz, using her wit and heft to eventually take control of the UPN. Then one day, she buys a bunch of cocaine thinking it’s just very expensive powdered sugar. But, after her donuts do nothing but numb the inside of her mouth, Monique quickly realizes her mistake. She mixes the remaining cocaine with poison and sells it all back to a bunch of skinny bitches, who are all soon killed by the concoction (justly, in Monique’s opinion). She then takes the drug money and buys a ton (2000 lbs.) of regular, inexpensive powdered sugar and lives happily ever after. She also farts a lot. (The first draft was actually called ‘Fartface,’ but we went with ‘Scarf-face’ because Tyler Perry thought it made more sense because she scarfs so much food into her fat face.)
I think it’s going to be an awesome movie. Here’s a sneak preview:
I hate getting spam. It goes straight to my Fat Black Pussy.
Monday, January 14th, 2008As many of you (my fans) might imagine, having and maintaining an important and popular weblog such as joemande.com can sometimes feel like a full time job. Every morning, before I watch TV and read the Drudge Report for inspiration, I have to log on to my website and sift through literally thousands of reader comments. I do this despite the fact I could totally get a robot do it for me. Easily. But I don’t; I insist on doing it myself. I believe the major reason I emerged as a true comedic force in New York City in 2007 was because my fans (who are the BEST, by the way) were able to sense my influence, and personally connect with me as a genius, as they read and responded to my website.
Sadly, I’ve come to suspect that many of my “readers” are frauds. Phonies. A bunch of fake-ass posers. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little devastated by this realization.
You may have to look closely, but see if you can tell what’s wrong with the comments I got this morning:
That’s right. Not only are they needlessly repetitive, but they also all have the same IP Address! Can you believe that? Here I am thinking I’m making this personal connection with a slew of new fans–people like Black Pussy Black Lesbian Porn Fat Black Pussy and Anal Sex Anal Bleaching Black Anal–only to discover that they’re all probably written by the same person. A very fat lesbian with a beautifully bleached black ass.
I’m worried that a few of my more dedicated commenters–people like: Big Asian Lactating Tit Boobs, super bowl party decorations, Granny MILF Mom and Son Sex, Impressive grease broadway tickets, and Gay Horse Fuck, might all be pretenders as well. I pray that my worries are eventually proven to be in vain, but let’s just say I’m not optimistic.
Sometimes I wish all of my fans could act like antonio banderas biography? Talk about a classy commenter.
Textbook form: short, positive, complimentary. You can really tell that that book loves reading my blog, not to mention enjoyes hit films.
Thank God I bought that rap time machine.
Friday, August 3rd, 2007Hey, have you heard the new hot jam of the summer? It’s Will.I.Am’s “I Got It From My Mama”? Check it out, it’s dope!
Got it from my mama? LOL! That is classic Will.I.Am, right there! Boy, I’ll tell ya. That guy is something else. He’s maybe the most original voice we have in mainstream hip-hop today. An unparalled talent.
(Joe sets time machine back to 2002.)
Hey, have you heard the new hot jam of the summer? It’s Juvenile’s “Mama Got Ass (She Get it From Her Mama)”? Check it out, it’s the bomb!
Got it from her mama? LOL! That is too much! This Juvenile guy is something else. He’s on a whole other plane. A rap song about ass genetics? Forget about it. No one is even close to doing what he’s doing. NOR WILL ANYONE EVER COME CLOSE. That’s my prediction.
