So, the other night I was watching this youtube of Keith Olbermann ranting about Hillary Clinton:

And, like an idiot, I totally left my webcam on:

(Big ups to Friend #3116)

A new show premiered on MTV this week called Rock The Cradle. It’s basically like American Idol, except the contestants all happen to be the spoiled neglected children of terrible washed-up musicians. It’s pretty much the best idea for a television show. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that it’s executed flawlessly.

Well, almost flawlessly. The only thing I think the show could improve upon is maybe paying more attention to the non-musician parents of the contestants. Sure, it’s great to see MC Hammer and Dee Snider there, giving guidance and support to their talented kids. But what about their moms? They’re the ones who actually raised these child prodigies into the undeniable rock stars they are today. Yet, there’s no mention of them on the show nor any information about them on the show’s website.

So, after hours and hours of online detective work, I’ve finally completed a full list of all the Rock the Cradle parents. Enjoy:

A’Keiba Burrell:

Daughter of MC Hammer and “The Chief.”

Fun fact: A’Keiba means “Listen up, gumshoes!” in Swahili. (I totally found that picture by googling “that black lady on carmen sandiego.”)

Lucy Walsh:

Daughter of Eagles’ guitarist Joe Walsh and slutty Paula Zahn.

Jesse Money:

Daughter of rocker Eddie Money (who still looks great, by the way) and Kimmy Gibler.

Lara Johnston:

Daughter of the Doobie Brothers singer Tom Johnston and an adorable, yet alcoholic, little kitten.

Lil’ B. Sure:

Son of R&B singer Al B. Sure and MadTV’s Debra Wlson. (I think this one could be true.)

Crosby Loggins: (How has he not killed himself already with that name? So gross.)

What happens when Kenny Loggins uses a time-traveling beard trimmer.

Jesse Snider:

Son of Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider and Aaron Carter.

This show is his to lose. I’m calling it now.

Chloe Lattanzi:

Daughter of Olivia Newton John and the mutated Simpsons fish.

Landon Brown:

The love child of Bobby Brown and a prostitute inside a Kid Robot store.

Proving racism still exists in America, New Hampshire voters made Hillary Clinton the surprise winner of last night’s primary, over Barack the Black Abe Lincoln. Pollsters and pundits had assumed all day long that Obama would carry the state because of the record turnout. But, it turns out the turnout preferred the more experienced Democratic candidate, who campaigns on a promise to use her barfy witch face to bring about certain doom and damnation upon the entire world.

Sorry, was “barfy witch face” too harsh? Explain this, then: