Consider the following:

1. Anti-freeze toothpaste.
2. Cardboard dumplings.
3. Babies full of needles.
4. Dragon bone consumption.
5. Really bad headaches.
6. 2 billion rats.
7. No Simpsons.
8. Organ harvest prisons.
9. Dog holocaust.
10. Slave kids.
11. Old lady penguin feet.
12. Molten metal accidents.
13. Cyborg pigeons.
14. Faulty penis transplants.
15. Blood-red poop rivers.

No thank you.

47 year-old CNN correspondent and renowned demon-hag, Nancy Grace, announced today that she’s pregnant with twins!!!! 

No word yet if she plans on keeping the babies or simply eating them.

She released a copy of the ultrasound to the press:

The father is said to be her husband, David Linch, an Atlanta investment banker. However, Mrs. Grace isn’t giving up the possibility that she was gang-raped by the entire Duke Lacrosse team.

(What I’m saying is she’s a terrible person.)

Woo: (transitive verb) To seek the affection of with intent to romance.

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney on Friday told hundreds of anti-abortion activists that his conversion to their cause is genuine

…and that the way they were all looking at him was making him hard.

Romney’s speech was interrupted several times by applause

…and moaning.

He then fed the crowd chocolate-dipped strawberries and complimented their bodies.

After the speech, Romney gave away copies of his new book:

At Monday night’s show, Noah and I showed a clip of NBC’s alternate broadcast of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, normally only seen in Hawaii and Alaska. It’s pretty interesting. Apparently, outside the continental 48, the show is more of a sitcom.

Personally, I think the show a lot more fun to watch this way.

Qandahar? Stillborn babies? Prayer in the writer’s room? THAT’S SHOWBIZ, BABY!

Later in that same very same episode, Matthew Perry (who plays the drug-addicted producer of the late-night sketch comedy show) tries to hire a rogue paramilitary group to go into Afghanistan and give the hostage takers ransom money in exchange for Tom’s brother and the two other soldiers.  

It’s just like real life! Lorne Michaels did the same thing when Black Hawk Down happened in Somalia. Totally saved Melanie Hutsell’s little brother.

Seriously, if this show gets picked up for a second season, they should just change the name to: Studio West Wing on the West Wing Strip.

5:36 PM Lou: Our koi pond is full of tiny tadpoles again. The frog was back last week, encouraging a female to join him in infanticide.

5:37 PM me: thats a cheery way of looking at it

5:38 PM Lou: Cheery for the fish - they think it is a massive protien buffet.

Finally, we found out the answer to the question America’s been dying to know: Who impregnated that illiterate drug-addicted skank before she fatally overdosed on a thousand different kinds of painkillers?

And the winner is…THIS GUY!

JACKPOT!

Science is 99.99999% positive that Larry Birkhead, above, was the one who fucked a clinically sad, borderline retarded human being without a condom.

P-I-M-P. ($20 says she wasn’t even awake for it.)

Yesterday’s press conference–
Larry Birkhead: “WOOooOOoooOO! I’m going to Disneyworld!!!”
Reporter: “Is that the first place you plan on taking your daughter?”
Larry Birkhead: “Daughter?”

I’m just glad this guy wasn’t the father:

Because then this story would be sad.

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