GREAT news!!! Last Call with Carson Daly is coming back on the air tonight! Despite the writers strike!

“I am SO MONEY” - Carson Daly, 2007

Carson Daly deserves everything he’s ever gotten in life. I truly believe that. I’m so pumped he’s coming back! That takes some sryz bllz, people. Plus, according to The Smoking Gun, CD is crossing the picket line in the classiest way possible: by asking his buddies to write jokes for him instead!

(Normally, I would be showing solidarity to the comedy writers. Obviously. However, it’s my humble opinion that if you make a living writing jokes for Carson Daly, right now you should just be happy that other people are writing jokes for Carson Daly. (Also, you should probably kill yourself.))

The best is the email Carson Daly sent out to his friends and family asking for material. I definitely recommend reading the email in it’s entirety. But if you don’t feel like it, which is totally understandable, it’s basically like this:

“Dear friends and family: So, as you probably don’t know, I for some reason host a late night network television show. Or, might I say I used to host a late night show, until all the Jews I hired went on strike. Lame. Anyways, I decided to just start the show back up again this week without them. And, the first thing I want to do when I get back is do a really funny bit about not having any writers! Ha! I’m thinking the bit would be about how my friends and family (you guys) keep calling me all the time and leaving me voice-mails with a bunch of funny ideas for jokes and stuff. So… if you have any funny ideas for jokes and stuff, let me know! Just make sure the joke works as a voicemail! Thanks in advance, Carson.”

This was his sample joke in the email:

Exampl: [sic]
It could be as simple as…BEEP “Hey Cars, its DAD, sorry bout the strike, gotta be tough on ya, try this one on the show…2 priests and a rabbi walk into a bar…….yada yada. Anyway, my back’s feeling better, those pills mom got me seem to be working….finally. bye.”

HAHAHAHA!!!! Now, that’s what I call jokes! Volume 6! Happy LOLidays, everybody! OMG, so good. I don’t even know what my favorite part of that joke is. The “yada yada” part? Or when he says that mom’s “pills” have finally started to work? HAHAHAHA!!!! Gene.

Please feel free to pass this along to others that WE know to participate. I’m only emailing a very small group because I’m lazy, I’ll trust your judgement [sic] on who [sic] you ask to leave a message. The more random and creative, the better (my personal doctor in NY is on this email). Quicker jokes will work well as will “classic” or “hacky” ones OR if you think got a “homerun” [sic] let her rip.

If you think you have a “homerun” for Carson (industry term, don’t worry about it), or even if you think you have a ground-rule double, you should call: 818-260-5107. Let her rip, you guys!

PS: PLIPPS, PLIPPS, PLIPPS, PLIPPS, PLIPPS.

Last night, during a concert in Boulder, Colorado, singer Annie Lennox panicked and rushed off-stage after seeing a man in the audience wearing a gas-mask and black cape.

“A fellow who was dressed in a black cape, platform boots and a gas mask approached the stage. Lennox saw him coming and threw down her microphone and went backstage.”

Wow. That’s so creepy. Seriously. There’s probably nothing in the entire world scarier than a weirdo in gas-mask.

Oh, wait…Annie Lennox. Annie Lennox is much, much scarier than a weirdo in a gas-mask.

What a freak.

BTW, here’s my recipe for homemade Annie Lennox:

2 cups lesbian vampire
1 cup Darfur refugee (bleached)
3/4 cup french prostitute
1/2 cup nursing home grandmother
1/2 cup David Bowie
10 shredded carrots
4 bats (or 6 dried bats)
1 VHS cassette Rosemary’s Baby
2 tbsp. velociraptor
2 Rubik’s cubes
1 Zorro mask
1 leather sex whip
1 bay leaf
salt and pepper (to taste)

Combine ingredients in a food processor, 8-10 pulses. Add mixture into a Crock Pot with 3 cups of water. Turn on and leave stewing in a dark cave for 100 years.  

After the jump, see a picture of Annie Lennox taken immediately after she ate comedian Dave Chappelle…

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Did you read/hear/barf about the French woman who received the world’s first partial face transplant? Seriously. A face transplant.

Basically, what happened was this French woman was sleeping when, all of the sudden, she woke up and discovered her dog had eaten most of her face/off. Doctors quickly replaced her face with Nicolas Cage’s face. She was then sent to giant magnetic prison in the middle of the ocean.

This is what The Guardian says happened:

After a bad week, the seamstress had taken a large dose of sleeping pills “to forget”.

Wait, stop right there. To forget? This is already an amazing story.

Reporter: So, how’d you lose your face?
No-face Lady: Well, it all started when I took a large dose of sleeping pills.
Reporter: And what was your reason for taking such a large dose of sleeping pills? 
No-face Lady: Oh, you know. “To forget.”

I could seriously walk away from this story right here and be totally satisfied. But, no. The story only gets better (not better).

She woke on her sofa and tried to light a cigarette, and then noticed blood and the presence of her dog beside her. Looking in the mirror, she discovered her terrible injuries. 

AAAAAAAAHHHH! She didn’t know she didn’t have a face until she tried to light a cigarette? What clued her in exactly? The not having lips part? Jesus. I bet she hates that dog.

She said she had “no hatred” for her labrador-cross Tanya, who she felt had been trying to save her.

Correct. I just looked up the word “save” in a dog dictionary:

save: /seɪv/
–verb (used with object)

1.to rescue from danger or possible harm, injury, or loss
2. to keep safe, intact, or unhurt
3. to rip off and eat a human’s face
4. to avoid the spending, consumption, or waste of bones

Anyway, she got a donor face and the rest is medical history:

BTW, the donor face came from a woman who killed herself. So…therefore…I can’t handle reading science news anymore.

All things considered, you have to admit she looks great (”great” means “permanently photoshopped,” right?). Although, I think it was pretty rude of the surgeons to graft a voice bubble like that, dontchya think? (JK, you guys! I did that part myself! [COMEDY!])

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Noah and I are coming to Boston tomorrow to participate in a Vice Magazine/Dewar’s Scotch Debate. The topic will be ”Meat vs. Veggie.” It should be really fun. We will be very hip and very drunk. So, if you live in Massachusetts and love me and/or Noah, and/or fake debates, and/or free comedy, and/or free booze, you should come check it out.

A poster:

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