I give it 5 S.A.R.S.
Tuesday, March 18th, 2008I was watching HBO the other day when a movie from 1999 called Simon Sez came on. I don’t remember ever seeing or hearing anything about this movie when it came out, but it’s an action/comedy/buddy flick starring the dynamic tandem of actor Dennis Rodman and actor Dane Cook.
That’s right, Dennis Rodman and Dane Cook. Together. In a movie.
Needless to say, it’s beyond amazing. (And the only thing beyond amazing is very shitty.) After watching it in its entirety, my only wish was that they made a Criterion edition of this movie, so I could go back and watch it over and over again with commentary from the two lead actors. Too bad that will never happen because, sadly, Dennis Rodman is dead.
At first, I was just going to make a Netflix recommendation for this movie and leave it at that. But then I thought, how many copies of Simon Sez could Netflix possibly have? Three? I hope it’s no more than three. And the last thing I want is to start some kind of widespread queue frenzy, with people fighting over a few limited Dane Cook DVDs. Because that would only cause a tension and resentment between viewers that would ultimately distract everyone from the quiet brilliance of this remarkable film. So instead, as a public service, I went ahead and condensed the entire movie down into a short, manageable web video for everyone to enjoy.
Here it is, Simon Sez (in 5 Minutes):
PS: I’ve already started writing a script for a sequel. Tentative title: Moranda Rightz.
Be a part of history! Twice!
Friday, February 1st, 20081.
2.
Do your part! Thanks!
I know, I know. I’m beating a dead horse with all this Lil Wayne nonsense. (But…the horse was a snitch?)
Tuesday, December 18th, 2007If you don’t mind, I’d like to quickly go back to last week’s “Is Lil Wayne crazy?” debate, because more evidence has come to life (in the affirmative). If for some reason you weren’t satisfyingly convinced the first time around, I would like to submit this for your consideration. Apparently, Lil Wayne is collaborating with Zac Efron on the next High School Musical CD. Lil Wayne. Zac Efron. Disney’s High School Musical.
I highly recommend reading the entire article. But, for those of you who don’t want to read another entire Lil Wayne interview, how about I just turn it into an original one-act play? (Note: All things in BOLD are taken directly out of the interview.)
“Zac n’ Weezy: A Love Story”
By Joe MandeCurtains open.
Lil Wayne sits upon a golden toilet, in a large, Scarface-inspired restroom, admiring the prominent nude sculpture of himself across the room. He lifts his pants up and walks towards the sink. A tuxedo-clad bathroom attendant flushes the toilet and scampers back just in time to pump soap in to outstretched hands of Lil Wayne.
LIL WAYNE: You like that sculpture over there?
ATTENDANT: Why, yes I do. What is it, exactly? A Jamaican gremlin?
LIL WAYNE: It’s a sculpture of me you penguin-lookin’ mothafucka.
ATTENDANT: My deepest apologies. I should have known. Would you like some Juicy Fruit gum, sir?
LIL WAYNE: That’s what I pay you for, you stupid ass bitch!
ATTENDANT: Ah, yes indeed. Here you are.
Lil Wayne opens his mouth, taking his Juicy Fruit like a communion wafer.
LIL WAYNE: Nice tuxedo. Suck my dick, penguin. No homo.
Lil Wayne makes his way to the recording studio, where he begins rolling a joint the size of an infant’s arm.
LIL WAYNE: I’m so glad I started making music for white people.
Zac Efron enters, gliding into the room on Heelys.
ZAC EFRON: What’s up my nigga?
Lil Wayne gets up and kisses Zac Efron on the mouthLIL WAYNE: What’s crackin’, my brother from another mother?
ZAC EFRON: Brother from another mother? You said the same exact thing in San Fransisco, when you followed me into the bathroom at that comic book convention after party.
LIL WAYNE: Yo! You look cute, dawg. Hows about we go record more songs for this High School Musical bullshit.
ZAC EFRON: Sounds dope to me!
Zach Efron enters the booth and puts the headphones on. He begins singing, but Lil Wayne quickly cuts him off.
LIL WAYNE: The acoustics ain’t right. Take your pants off.
ZAC EFRON: If you say so, Weezy.
Zac Efron takes his pants off.
ZAC EFRON (singing): Everybody, all for one! A real summer has just begun! Let’s rock and roll and just let go! Feel the rhythm of the drums! We’re gonna have fun in the sun!
Lil Wayne enters the booth, naked and erect. He begins rapping.
LIL WAYNE (rapping): I’m a dog, you’re all a bunch of fleas on my dick. Driving a Jag, er, like my name was Mick. I’m so sour like cream with chives, and my sperm will make your face break out in hives.
A white screen descends upon the stage. Lil Wayne and Zac Efron make passionate gay love, their shadows projecting onto the screen like Chinese shadow theater. Lights down.
Lights up. The white screen is lifted. We find Lil Wayne and Zac Efron cuddling under a mink coat adorned with patches of all 30 NBA teams.
ZAC EFRON: Man, that was fun. Do you have anything else you’re working on.
LIL WAYNE: Oh, you know, I just did songs with Mannheim Steamroller, something for the new Raffi album, and 16 bars in Spanish on Ricky Martin’s new one.
ZAC EFRON: Wow. Don’t you ever get tired of your schedule?
LIL WAYNE: Hell, no! This is how I live! I get up in the morning, get my dick sucked four times, drink a Molson’s, and then hang out with you, Zac Efron.
ZAC EFRON: Word.
Curtains close. THE END.
A special OCBSSP just for you!
Wednesday, November 28th, 2007Noah Garfinkel, Matt James, and I are working on some top-secret new videos for Totally JK. But, I thought I’d go ahead and give everyone out there a special out-of-context-behind-the-scenes-sneak-peak of what we’re working on. If these 24 seconds are any indication, the internet should be very excited of what’s to come.
Or, maybe not.
I love this Oklahoma!
Tuesday, August 14th, 2007The owner of the Seattle SuperSonics said today that he plans on moving his NBA team to Oklahoma City.
Uhm…it’s about fucking time! What a disgrace it’s been to watch an important and bustling American metropolis like Oklahoma City go without a professional basketball team for so long. This is Oklahoma City, Oklahoma we’re talking about here, people. The big OKC! The seventh biggest city in the country (in terms of geographical area)! The only capital city that shares the name of its state!
My only hope is that when the team does move, that they change their name. I mean, when you move a franchise from a city like New Orleans to a place like Utah, obviously it makes sense to keep the name “Jazz”. However, “Oklahoma City SuperSonics” doesn’t sound very good. So, here are some suggestions I have for new team names:
D.T., of course, stands for Domestic Terrorism.
Oh, and this woman could be the Dust Bowls’ mascot:
T.O.T. = Trail of Tears. Also, tater tots, which are delicious.
Student becomes teacher
Friday, August 10th, 2007After watching this how-to viral video about building a personal handheld burning laser out of an ordinary flashlight, I realized how disappointing I must be to the 10 year-old version of me.
10 Year-Old Me: Oh. My. God! Did you see that?
Me: Yeah. Pretty cool, right?
10 Year-Old Me: Pretty cool? A handheld laser gun? That’s a dream come true! C’mon, lets go make one!
Me: Ugh. Forget it, dude. It’s way too complicated.
10 Year-Old Me: What do you mean “too complicated”? We just watched a step-by-step instruction on how to make one!
Me: Right. But one of those instructions involved owning a soldering gun, which would necessitate me knowing how to use a soldering gun. Or even knowing where one goes to buy a soldering gun. No thanks.
10 Year-Old Me: What’s wrong with you? We’ll figure it out. And then we’ll burn things with a laser beam. It’ll be amazing. C’mon, lets go to the store!
Me: Oh, okay. And which store would you like to go to first? The Soldering Gun store or the Axis-Laser-Housing store? Guess what? They don’t exist. Go away, I’m working.
10 Year-Old Me: Wait. This is where you work?
Me: Yep.
10 Year-Old Me: This is super depressing.
Me: Look, I’m not happy about it either.
10 Year-Old Me: What about the NBA?
Me: Uhm…the NBA doesn’t really pan out the way we thought it would. In fact, you might want to devote less time on basketball and more time on reading.
10 Year-Old Me: No way! Reading is for losers.
Me: Exactly.
10 Year-Old Me: I don’t think I like you very much.
Me: Well, I don’t like you much either.
10 Year-Old Me: I’m out of here. Have fun at your job, loser.
Me: Have fun grooming your rat-tail, you little faggot.
10 Year-Old Me: (Gasp!) You said the other F word!
Me: Yeah, that’s right. It’s called irony, idiot.
10 Year-Old Me: …
Me: Look, I’m sorry I called you the other F word. I only meant it in the colloquial sense.
10 Year-Old Me: It’s okay.
Me: Look, all I’m saying is you might want to consider expanding your scope a little bit. There’s more to life than Sega, Cheetos, and Weird Al.
10 Year-Old Me: Okay.
Me: And, seriously, stop with the basketball. It’s hopeless. Mom will be taller than you at your Bar Mitzvah.
10 Year-Old Me: I feel really sad now.
Me: I know. Believe me, trying–and failing–to make a laser gun won’t help you feel any better.
10 Year-Old Me: I guess you’re right.
Don’t talk to me
Monday, June 18th, 2007Boring Girl: So, you’re a comedian?
Me: Yes.
Boring Girl: Well, I have a joke you could tell on stage sometime.
Me: I don’t know.
Boring Girl: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Me: …
Boring Girl: Because he was feeling crumby. Haha.
Me: …
Boring Girl: What? Have you heard that one before?
Me: Yeah…but the punchline was different.
Boring Girl: Oh? What was your version?
Me: Why did Cookie go to the doctor?
Boring Girl: Why?
Me: Because her husband is Magic Johnson and he has A.I.D.S.
Boring Girl: …
Me: And it’s really important that she go to a doctor on a regular basis.
Boring Girl: …
Buggin’
Wednesday, June 6th, 2007Michael Jordan is not handling his divorce well.
Remember how happy he was when he was married?
Now look at him:
No wonder Matthew Perry left him. He was already so competitive and agressive. Now it looks like he’s drunk and abusive to boot. (Although, Kevin Bacon was probably asking for it. No one likes a grape tosser.)
The next Hanes commercial has MJ smashing and snorting oxycontins with Crispin Glover.
It’s a shame. He once was the G.O.A.T.
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