As many of you (my fans) might imagine, having and maintaining an important and popular weblog such as joemande.com can sometimes feel like a full time job. Every morning, before I watch TV and read the Drudge Report for inspiration, I have to log on to my website and sift through literally thousands of reader comments. I do this despite the fact I could totally get a robot do it for me. Easily. But I don’t; I insist on doing it myself. I believe the major reason I emerged as a true comedic force in New York City in 2007 was because my fans (who are the BEST, by the way) were able to sense my influence, and personally connect with me as a genius, as they read and responded to my website.

Sadly, I’ve come to suspect that many of my “readers” are frauds. Phonies. A bunch of fake-ass posers. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little devastated by this realization.

You may have to look closely, but see if you can tell what’s wrong with the comments I got this morning:

That’s right. Not only are they needlessly repetitive, but they also all have the same IP Address! Can you believe that? Here I am thinking I’m making this personal connection with a slew of new fans–people like Black Pussy Black Lesbian Porn Fat Black Pussy and Anal Sex Anal Bleaching Black Anal–only to discover that they’re all probably written by the same person. A very fat lesbian with a beautifully bleached black ass.

I’m worried that a few of my more dedicated commenters–people like: Big Asian Lactating Tit Boobs, super bowl party decorations, Granny MILF Mom and Son Sex, Impressive grease broadway tickets, and Gay Horse Fuck, might all be pretenders as well. I pray that my worries are eventually proven to be in vain, but let’s just say I’m not optimistic.

Sometimes I wish all of my fans could act like antonio banderas biography? Talk about a classy commenter.

Textbook form: short, positive, complimentary. You can really tell that that book loves reading my blog, not to mention enjoyes hit films.

This video made me realize my words mean nothing.

I’ve watched that over 100 times today. No joke.

Click below to see some more classic news bloops!

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This weekend, as usual, I stayed in and watched re-runs of MTV’s newezt zketch comedy zhow: Nick Cannon Presents…Short Circuitz. If you don’t know what Short Circuitz iz, it’s a sketch comedy show hosted by Nick Cannon, who is not a comedian, featuring an ensemble cast of people who should kill themselves*. The result is maybe my favorite thing to watch on television.

The best thing about this show, aside from the celebrity cameos (Celebrity Fit Club host, Ant, to give one super gay example), is its groundbreaking usage of a new interactive feature called “View and Spew.” What View and Spew does is allow a viewer to watch an episode of Short Circuitz, and at the same time, email their comments to MTV about that Short Circuitz for the chance to have that comment posted on-screen in future broadcasts of that particular Short Circuitz! You know, VIEW and SPEW. Get it? Not only is View and Spew technology like a dream come true, it’s also like a paradigm shift in television history. Only if paradigm shifts went backwards and dreams were the opposite of what they actually are. 

Here are some personal favorites:

Truer words have never been spewed. (That sketch was about a white woman craving black cock.)

“Itz so funny wenn U put kittys in da micrawave, but den itz sooo sad!” - MasterBlastah

“I…just don’t like to think.”- phattee2005

Me too!!!

Nick Cannon’s talents: Getting TV shows, buying hoodies, and not getting aborted.

That last joke may have been a bit harsh. But not really, when you consider that Nick Cannon’s last music video was for a song called “Can I Live,” which is a ballad about how awesome he was at not getting aborted. Seriously. Here, watch it:

And, again, in Sims form:

 * = except for Katt Williams, who is a talent.

Passover is whack. So is college basketball.

Come to the show tonight.

Rififi. 8pm. $5.

<–Click this to see a poster I made!

I’ve been reading a lot books lately about Abraham Lincoln.

He had a rough life. First of all, he was raised in a log cabin. Gross. He ends up looking like an ape, but has the voice of a  little girl. Racist people back then fucking hated him. Plus, his wife was major ugz and his kid died in the White House. So shitty. Despite all that, he still managed to preserve the Union and free the slaves. And there were a ton of slaves back then. He was an amazing dude all around.

So like two nights after General Lee surrenders, pretty much sealing a Union victory, Lincoln decides to take a night off. He tries to go out and enjoy a play with his ugly wife, when BAM, John Wilkes Booth shoots him in the head. So shitty!

His killer then jumps from the balcony onto the stage, breaks his leg upon impact, yells some shit in Latin, hobbles out of the theater, and escapes. The audience, meanwhile, does nothing. Because they think it’s a part of the play. Seriously. They thought their president, Abraham Lincoln, was participating in some experimental break-the-fourth-wall theater. Two nights after saving the country. Playing a supporting role. As an assassination victim. Idiots.

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