JoeMande.com fashion poll:

WHO WORE IT BETTER? President-elect Barack Obama or N.W.A.I.D.S. victim Eazy-E?

The cast of HBO’s The Wire will begin campaigning for Barack Obama later this week. You know, because he’s had such a hard time convincing black people and college-educated white people to vote for him.

Which reminds me…Last week I got on the N train and sat down across from a man I recognized as actor Chad L. Coleman, who played the role of Cutty Wise on The Wire. I became very excited and was about to go up to him and ask him about the show. But then I panicked. What if it wasn’t him? You can’t just go up to some random black guy on the subway and ask, “Excuse me, were you on The Wire?”

I was so worried he’d say, “No. I’m just a black guy minding his own business.” And then I would be like, “Oh, right. My mistake. You do have a beard, though. So, obviously I thought you played a criminal on television.”

I felt better when, a few minutes later, he pulled out a script for ABC’s Life on Mars from his bag and began quietly rehearsing his lines to himself. I seemed to have been right all along. But, by that point I hated myself too much to say anything to him.

The end.

Because this was a thing:

A couple weeks ago, I emailed some ideas to Barack Obama for his big nomination acceptance speech at the DNC convention in Denver. I never heard back from him and assumed that he decided to go in a different direction. Whatevs, totally understandable. I’m no Sam Seaborn. So imagine my surprise last night, while watching the historic speech on television, when Senator Obama actually ended up using one of the lines I sent him! I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited, I barfed all over the cocaine I was doing.

Here’s the clip:

“Eight is Enough.” Get it? Like the show starring Dick Van Patton? I’m such a good writer. For reals.

Here is the entire speech I wrote for Obama:

“Tonight, as Evening Shade descends on us in Denver, Colorado, I want to lay out for you, and those watching at home, my vision for the future. A vision I’ve laid out in 8 Simple Rules…

How special it is to speak to you tonight, 45 years to the day that Martin Luther King Jr. spoke about his dream. Well, let me tell you, I have a dream. I Dream of Jeannie! Jeannie Smith, a waitress and single mom in Michigan trying to keep her lights on. George Lopez, a migrant worker in northern California. I dream of normal, hardworking Americans born without Silver Spoons in their mouths.

Though I am only 47 years old, I’ve learned many Facts of Life. My unique Family Ties have taught me one important lesson: Family. Matters.

We are here because we love this country too much to let the next four years look like the last eight. On November 4th, we must stand up and say ‘Eight is Enough!’ We need a leader in the White House willing to make some major Home Improvements. A leader who has shown good judgment, smart diplomacy, and Grace Under Fire!

My Friends, change in Washington won’t come quickly. It will be a Step by Step process that will be done One Day At a Time! But, if you elect me President, I promise our country will soon again see Good Times and Happy Days. And our economy, from Wall Street and Main Street, will suffer. Oh yes, it will suffer…suffer from Growing Pains.

Thank you all! May God bless you! May God bless these United Scrubs of Alfmerica! And please, no matter what, Just don’t Shoot Me!!!”

The one I’m writing for McCain is all reality shows.

I’m so happy I found this Old Spice deodorant. I used to think I had really bad body odor, but it turns out I just hated myself.

I smell so confident. Now when I sweat, it smells like I look like I own a BMW.