Steve Harvey, the well-known radio host and original king of comedy, is sponsoring some kind of weight-loss program called the “2008 Weight-off So You Can Take Your Shirt Off Campaign.” Good for him. Obesity blows. (No homo.) However, the website he made for this weight-loss campaign is completely insane. Like, it defies words. The only way I could describe it was through the use of a venn diagram:

There’s no other way to say it.

PLEASE CLICK THIS LINK AND SEE IT FOR YOURSELF!!!

I wish someone had given me one of Big Boom’s self-help books for my birthday. Maybe “How To Mount a Marble Lion in 5 Easy Steps” or “Make Your Nipples Cross-Eyed!”

I also wish my man Hamburger Jones had taken part in the photoshoot.

As many of you (my fans) might imagine, having and maintaining an important and popular weblog such as joemande.com can sometimes feel like a full time job. Every morning, before I watch TV and read the Drudge Report for inspiration, I have to log on to my website and sift through literally thousands of reader comments. I do this despite the fact I could totally get a robot do it for me. Easily. But I don’t; I insist on doing it myself. I believe the major reason I emerged as a true comedic force in New York City in 2007 was because my fans (who are the BEST, by the way) were able to sense my influence, and personally connect with me as a genius, as they read and responded to my website.

Sadly, I’ve come to suspect that many of my “readers” are frauds. Phonies. A bunch of fake-ass posers. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little devastated by this realization.

You may have to look closely, but see if you can tell what’s wrong with the comments I got this morning:

That’s right. Not only are they needlessly repetitive, but they also all have the same IP Address! Can you believe that? Here I am thinking I’m making this personal connection with a slew of new fans–people like Black Pussy Black Lesbian Porn Fat Black Pussy and Anal Sex Anal Bleaching Black Anal–only to discover that they’re all probably written by the same person. A very fat lesbian with a beautifully bleached black ass.

I’m worried that a few of my more dedicated commenters–people like: Big Asian Lactating Tit Boobs, super bowl party decorations, Granny MILF Mom and Son Sex, Impressive grease broadway tickets, and Gay Horse Fuck, might all be pretenders as well. I pray that my worries are eventually proven to be in vain, but let’s just say I’m not optimistic.

Sometimes I wish all of my fans could act like antonio banderas biography? Talk about a classy commenter.

Textbook form: short, positive, complimentary. You can really tell that that book loves reading my blog, not to mention enjoyes hit films.

Here’s a picture of Aretha Franklin, showing off her new line of perfume, “Bar-B-Que Sauce.”

BOOM!!! 

R-E-S-PWNED!!!

(I should write for the Jay Leno program.)

A lot of comedians I know needlessly shit on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Now, I’ll admit that watching Larry the Cable Guy can make one think that good ol’ boy comedy is just a brazenly dull, unoriginal, often racist and homophobic, waste of time. But there is a lesser-known talent on the Blue Collar bill, by the name Bill Engvall, who–while I wouldn’t say he’s necessarily white-collar–is definitely a much lighter shade of blue than his colleagues. Seriously, he’s fantastic. I didn’t know anything about him until I watched his Comedy Central special last week. Needless to say, it changed my life.

Bill Engvall delves deep into the issues people care about, saying the types of things most of us are afraid to say.

Now, I know full well most people will be skeptical about this, but they also would never take the time to sit down and watch an entire hour of Engvall (the risk of being caught in the act is much too scary for them). But I feel so passionate about this, that I have gone ahead and condensed Bill Envall’s special, “15 Degrees Off Cool” into a 45 second clip. It may be bite-sized, but it’s all there. I hope you enjoy it:

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