The following is an ad for a company called Liberator Medical Supply. It’s the best commercial I’ve seen on TV since the Kinoki foot pads. The ad features a woman named Holly who has a couple major problems in her life. Only one of which is using catheters every day.

After watching that video 100 times, I have a few questions for Holly…

Okay, Holly, first off…WHY DO YOU HAVE TO USE CATHETERS EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? Also, why weren’t you devastated about that? Granted, the notion of reusing a catheter every day for the rest of your life is very shitty. But, it pales in comparison to the fact that you still have to use a catheter every day for the rest of your life. You know what I’m saying Holly? That’s like becoming paraplegic and then getting mad when you find out you still have to cut your toenails. Furthermore, Holly, WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED OF TALKING TO STRANGERS OVER THE TELEPHONE? I mean, that’s okay, but it has nothing to do with you having to use catheters every day for the rest of your life. Those are separate issues right there. However, Holly, if you’re having problems with the catheters you use every day for the rest of your life, I’m pretty sure you should only talk to strangers about that. Ideally, they’d be strangers who can’t see your sad face. Not to make light of your problem! Agoraphobia is a real thing. But Holly, you know agoraphobia isn’t treated by using catheters every day for the rest of your life, right? Catheters play no part in mental health. All you need to do is go see a therapist, Holly. Unless of course, you already have a therapist. Oh my god. Holly. Did your therapist say you had to use catheters every day for the rest of your life? Because he is wrong. Also, Holly, WHAT’S WITH THAT CAT AT THE END? You don’t…oh Jesus, Holly. You don’t use cats as catheters, do you? Did you think the word “cath” was just a silly way doctors referred to cats? Because you’re wrong Holly. “Cath” is when you use the word “catheter” as a verb in a weird abbreviated way I’ve never heard before. Of course you’re going to get urinary tract infections, Holly! Your urinary tract is no place for a cat! I don’t care how clean they are, Holly, they’re still cats. But now I totally understand why you were so devastated before. How many cats have you boiled alive and stuffed in your peehole, Holly? Why did you do it? Why? Why?

OMG U GUYZ!! Alicia Keys finally came out of the closet! The Black Panther closet! Because she’s a Black Panther.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!!!

I mean, it’s great. Good for her. It takes a lot of courage to say publicly, “Look, I think the government was behind the assassinations of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G and that white people created ‘gangsta rap’ as a ploy to get young black men to kill each other. And I’ve felt these feelings ever since I was a little girl!”

Crazy. I totally didn’t expect this announcement. I mean, she doesn’t really look like a Black Panther, does she? In my opinion, Alicia Keys looks more like a white girl who just got back from a long spring break in Cancun.

Also, she’s a lesbian.

A lot of people are criticizing Hillary Clinton’s newest campaign advertisement, saying she’s using a cheap and desperate scare tactic to garner the last-minute votes of undecided stupid people. Frankly, I disagree. I think it’s her best and most truthful ad to date.

She’s the worst.

I just read that yesterday, for Valentine’s Day, a man proposed marriage to a woman by using an LOLcat. I also read that when the North Pole melts, everyone will drown and we’ll all deserve it.

Apparently, she said yes. But, to be fair, the woman does look like this.

I want to earn my PhD in LSD.

(Thanks to Walker and Cantrell.)

Wow. Ok. So, last night’s show was insane. Thanks so much to everyone who came out. “Magical” is the only word to describe what happened. Lives were changed.

If you missed the show, please let me first tell you how sorry I am that your parents died (for that’s the only reason I can think of for not coming). Here’s a short re-cap: Noah and I showed our audition tape for the upcoming Notorious B.I.G. movie, Gabe and Jenny told a hilarious haunted Hollywood Halloween tale, Max Silvestri wined n’ dined the crowd with his patented jokes n’ quips^tm, and, as always, Greg Johnson crushed. Oh, also, Brett Gelman put on the single most amazing performance done by any human being on any stage anywhere. (No hyperbole.) The man got a standing ovation. At Rififi.

I recorded Brett’s performance with my iPod. You know, just for myself to have and hold and cherish. I listened to the mp3 on the train this morning, and, despite the fact that the sound quality is quite terrible, it still made me snarf coffee all over myself twice. Because of this, I have decided to share the 1000 Cats mp3 with the rest of the world. No matter how shitty it sounds.

Obviously, the grainy, cavernous audio doesn’t do 1000 Cats justice at all. Not even 1/1000^th of 1% of its justice. But, it’s the best I can do…and apparently the best that you could do too.

So, here. Enjoy.

You’re welcome.

Tonight Totally JK brings you Brett Gelman’s one-man musical masterpiece “1000 Cats.” In it’s entirety. That’s 30 minutes of pure, unadulterated genius. It’s without a doubt the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Plus Greg Johnson (G.O.A.T.), Gabe and Jenny, and MaxSilvestri.com! AAAH! I can’t wait. I’m more excited about tonight’s show than the Red Sox winning the world series last night (and that made me so excited, you guys).

Seriously. It’s going to be so fucking good.

Get there at 8!