Wow. Ok. So, last night’s show was insane. Thanks so much to everyone who came out. “Magical” is the only word to describe what happened. Lives were changed.

If you missed the show, please let me first tell you how sorry I am that your parents died (for that’s the only reason I can think of for not coming). Here’s a short re-cap: Noah and I showed our audition tape for the upcoming Notorious B.I.G. movie, Gabe and Jenny told a hilarious haunted Hollywood Halloween tale, Max Silvestri wined n’ dined the crowd with his patented jokes n’ quips^tm, and, as always, Greg Johnson crushed. Oh, also, Brett Gelman put on the single most amazing performance done by any human being on any stage anywhere. (No hyperbole.) The man got a standing ovation. At Rififi.

I recorded Brett’s performance with my iPod. You know, just for myself to have and hold and cherish. I listened to the mp3 on the train this morning, and, despite the fact that the sound quality is quite terrible, it still made me snarf coffee all over myself twice. Because of this, I have decided to share the 1000 Cats mp3 with the rest of the world. No matter how shitty it sounds.

Obviously, the grainy, cavernous audio doesn’t do 1000 Cats justice at all. Not even 1/1000^th of 1% of its justice. But, it’s the best I can do…and apparently the best that you could do too.

So, here. Enjoy.

You’re welcome.

Tonight Totally JK brings you Brett Gelman’s one-man musical masterpiece “1000 Cats.” In it’s entirety. That’s 30 minutes of pure, unadulterated genius. It’s without a doubt the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Plus Greg Johnson (G.O.A.T.), Gabe and Jenny, and MaxSilvestri.com! AAAH! I can’t wait. I’m more excited about tonight’s show than the Red Sox winning the world series last night (and that made me so excited, you guys).

Seriously. It’s going to be so fucking good.

Get there at 8!

If you pick up the newest issue of Heeb Magazine, you will see my name included in “The Heeb 100,” their annual list of 100 Jews to watch. (That’s in the entire diaspora, son.)

Hey, world! Get ready to watch this Jew!!!

Being on the Heeb 100 is an honor. In fact, it’s pretty much the second best list a Jew could ever hope to be on. (The first best.)

Heeb100.com has the entire list, including little Jewy bios of everyone. Be sure to see my friends Jenny, Josh, Brett, and Seth as well. Oh, and DJ AM, obvz.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m doing a show tonight in the city where lawyers get fired for having A.I.D.S. of brotherly love. Since that’s where you live, I’m sure I’ll see you there. Please sit as far in the back as possible. Thank you.

Love,
Joe

Here is all the information:

(Still)Born in the USA Comedy Tour
Tuesday, October 9th, 2007
Philadelphia, PA
The Khyber Bar: 56 S. Second Street 
8 PM - $8

with: Jonah Ray (Human Giant and The Sarah Silverman Program)
Sean O’Connor
Nick Maritato
Andrew Wright
Chris McDevitt
w/ guests
Your son: Joe Mande, His friend who came to Passover: Noah Garfinkel, Kent Haines, Jimmie Allinder and Wrestling Team

Noah and I are coming to Boston tomorrow to participate in a Vice Magazine/Dewar’s Scotch Debate. The topic will be ”Meat vs. Veggie.” It should be really fun. We will be very hip and very drunk. So, if you live in Massachusetts and love me and/or Noah, and/or fake debates, and/or free comedy, and/or free booze, you should come check it out.

A poster:

(more…)

 This morning, the Internet asked me this question:

Uhm…I really, really hope not. Like, more than anything.

“Are you Dane Cook?”

I bet Dane Cook asks himself that question every morning in the mirror for at least half an hour. Trying his hardest to make it a bit.

“Are you Dane Cook? Are you? Are you? Are you Dane…COOK?! COOK!? ARE YOU DANE COOK?!”

Then he rips off his snap-pants.

Then he starts crying. 

You guys know what I’m talkin’ about! Who here doesn’t secretly enjoy a good, hard cry now and again? Right? One of those good, emphatic, early morning mirror-cries? I think mirror-cries are the best kind of cries because they are so relatable:

“Are you Dane Cook?”

That’s seriously the rudest thing I’ve ever been asked. (Note: I was asked to show ID for an R rated movie two weeks ago.)

Here’s a tip, Dane: Kill yourself.

(I’m probably the first person to say mean things about this guy.)

I just found this on google. Some guy made a Dane Cook Monopoly board.

I created this Monopoly board in Photoshop as a gift for comedian Dane Cook. Each property is one of Dane Cook’s jokes.

…and each one of Dane Cook’s jokes is property of Louis C.K.

Here are some of the cards from the Dane Cook Monopoly set:

I just made this game as a gift to Dane Cook:

It’s just like original “Sorry!,” except before every turn, Dane Cook has to apologize for everything he’s ever done (without yelling).

I could do this all day, but I need to stop because I can feel my bald spot growing.

1. I’ve been meaning to write something very clever and thoughtful for the past couple of days, but instead I’ve just been watching this video over and over again:

(It’s my new Montgomery Mini-Mall.)

2. Who’s pumped for the new Osama bin Threat-tape? I know I am! Have you seen the sneak peek pictures of the guy? He looks better than ever! Me thinks he’s been using some of this:

3. Lastly, you should def come to Rififi on Sunday night, for I will be co-hosting Max Silvestri’s monthly show “I Like Attention.” It’s always a fun and exciting time, plus Max and I made a video.

Tonight Noah Garfinkel and I bring you a very special show. Not only are we planning on bringing our A-games, but we have incredible guests as well.

The very tall and wonderful Gary Gulman will be stopping by. (HBO, Last Comic Standing)

Recently crowned “the next Sarah Silverman,” the one and only Chelsea Peretti will grace the stage. (superdeluxe.com, Variety SHAC)

A regular at many impressive comedy clubs above and below 14th Street, the eloquent Matt Ruby. (host of Flying Carpet)

The director of the world-famous Totally J/K videos “Lunchtime” and “Explain that Face,” our good friend Oren Brimer, will show us all why he gets paid to make youtubes.

Plus, there may be a another super-secret special guest, but I can’t tell you who it is. (Let’s just say it’ll be a Mo’Nique experience for everyone who comes!)

TOTALLY J/K
TONIGHT @ 8pm
Rififi: 332 E. 11th Street
$5/21+

I got asked to be the last-minute host for tonight’s Heeb Storytelling Session. It’s part of the Diamond Days Music Festival and will take place in a Polish church in Brooklyn. Or something? More info below.

Heeb Storytelling
Friday, July 20th
The Church of the Messiah: 129 Russell Street (between Nassau and Driggs)
Greenpoint, Brooklyn
7pm, $10

Hosted by: Joe Mande
Featuring: Gabe and Jenny, Max Silvestri, Adira Amram, and Esther Ku 

Invite Them Up
hosted by Eugene Mirman and Bobby Tisdale
Rififi: 332 E. 11th St., $5
Doors open at 8:40pm

Performing:
Brett Gelman
Rich Brooks
Joe Mande
Hannibal Buress
Reggie Watts
Leo Allen
and
MORE!