Okay! Okay! I take it back! I want to be Jewish again. Sorry! What are you going to do sue me?…What, really? You will?

A few days ago, I got so enamored by the evangelical website www.godtube.com, that my faith began to waver a bit. Thankfully, my good friend Ethan just informed me about www.jewtube.com (motto: “Here’s Looking at Jew!”) and, needless to say, I’m back!

Jewtube is so awesome!!! It’s all the mirth and wonderment of Judaism broken up into literally hundreds of exciting, easy-to-watch viral videos.

This one is called “Chanukah Party.”

PAAAARRRRTYYYYYYY!!!! So jealous. That place was bumping. So insaaane. Almost NSFW. Speaking of, have you ever wondered what a fully erected (LOL!) sukkah looked like? Check this out:

(Warning, you might need your inhaler, because this vid is action packed.)

The one and only comment for that video:

THAT’S INTERESTING!

Here’s a Rabbi talking about sex. Kind of? I dare you to watch more than a minute. I couldn’t.

That Rabbi has uploaded like 400 videos on Jewtube. I bet he makes over 100K a year.

(Other must-sees include “Bat Mitzvah Borat” and “Purim Rap.”)

PS: Come to Totally JK tonight!

SHOWALTER! OLD SPRINGS PIKE! GREGJOHNSONONLINE.BLOGSPOT.COM!!!! This one is not to miss, folks!

So, I discovered this video earlier today and I’ve now decided to be born again. (By the way, does anyone have literature on the Christian re-birthing process? How does that work exactly? Does my Mom have to be there? Because, believe me, she will not be down.) Check it out. It starts getting really good at 1:06.

That’s the #1 video on Godtube.com this week. #2 is called “Awesome Sled Wrecks.” Obviously.

This one is good too! It’s like Weird Al meets Jerry Falwell.

I never knew how important the virtue of parody was to Jesus Christ.

Also, did you know Christians hate Christians and Hell is a reality? Because apparently they do and it does.

Everyone knows that I’ve been a sports fan my entire life. So it should come as no surprise that I’ve spent my last two Saturday nights going to historic athletic events. On Saturday, Dec. 29th, I was in attendance Giants Stadium as The New England Patriots completed their perfect season by defeating the New York Giants 38-35 in one of the most exciting football games ever played.

Then, this past Saturday, I was in attendance at Madison Square Garden to see the Profession Bull Riders Versus Invitational. It was announced that, for the first time in the history of “all western sport,” the competitors were given the chance to actually choose which bull he’d ride later that night. (First of all, about that, …what? How is it at all possible this was the first time cowboys chose their bull? Were all rodeos prior to 2008 decided with an Ouija board? An officiated game of Oogie Cookie? Also, was it really necessary to bring the Hemispheres into it?)

Both events were a triumph. Someone asked me which one was better, and I really didn’t what to say. Sure, the Patriots game was more celebrated in the liberal Jew-run media, but the NYC rodeo was pretty amazing as well. So, because I believe in science, I decided to match them up:

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Alright. Alright. I admit it. I’m back on the Huckabee bandwagon.

Last week I said I was voting for Tom Tancredo (who I still think is the most qualified and best looking of all the candidates), but right now it doesn’t look like his campaign has much of a chance, which is a shame because he seems to be the only person running who knows the danger of Mexican Jihadists who like to go on shopping mall rampages.

Huckabee, meanwhile, is surging and looking more and more presidential everyday. And by “presidential” I mean “like a deflated tire.” (If Huckabee wins, it’ll be just like my screenplay President Thinner, which was an unauthorized sequel to Steven King’s Thinner combined with a retelling of the 1995 classic The American President.) I’ll listen to any candidate who has overcome morbid obesity. I’ll consider anyone in favor of AIDS colonies. And I’ll fucking endorse any man with a fat ugly son who likes to lynch stray dogs in the woods at Boy Scout camp.

This is a picture of Fat Mike Huckabee next to Skinny Mike Huckabee:

And here’s one of Skinny Mike Huckabee next to a sea turtle:

I really love the new campaign ad from Huckabee. Some people say he’s trying to subliminally use Christian religious symbolism, but I don’t see it.

I have no idea what you’re talking about. There’s nothing creepily religious about that at all.

Here’s Mike Huckabee on MSNBC addressing the “floating cross” controversy:

Mike Huckabee:

“It is a bookshelf people. A. Book. Shelf…Actually, what you didn’t catch was with my eyes I was signaling…a very secret code to all the Evangelicals out there.”

Actually, Governor Thiiiiinnennneeeeeerrrrrrrr, I did catch that.

Cropstikas!

OMG. Racist corn is so scary.

Seriously, there are only two possible explanations for this. Either New Jersey is being visited by Jew-hating aliens, or Mel Gibson is directing Signs 2.

Evolution? Really, RG? Good call on that one. Because gun nuts love science terms.

Here’s a transcript of his speech:

“Good morning, NRA. Thank you for inviting me today. I believe guns came from monkeys. 9-11, 9-11, 9-11. Vote for me. (fart noise)”

He didn’t actually say that. But…sort of.

So, after getting mesmerized by the Battlecry snippet last week, I went ahead and tivoed the entire CNN “God’s Warriors” mini-series. I must admit Christiane Amanpour does a great job making all three major religions look coo-coo.

Although, the Evangelical Christians are clearly the winners (which is probably why she saved that episode for last). How, you might ask, could a group of American Christians possibly be crazier than Israeli settlers and Islamic suicide bombers? Well, at least when insane Jews and Muslims go to war, those wars are real. Oh, also, Jewish minstrel shows:

If you didn’t catch that, the hoe-down version of Hava Nagilah goes a little something like this:

Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah…
Chickens in the barnyard pickin’ up grain.
Goin’ about things the southern way.
Next year in Jerusalem. V’nism’cha! Wooo!
(fiddle solo)

BTW, that minister is so tight! He just loves Israel. So much so that he built his own wailing wall and even wrote his own Nostradamus book about Jesus slaying the all the Jews on Judgement Day.

I got a lot to say about this, but I don’t want to get all Marc Maron on your asses.

A while back, I wrote about how afraid I was of Vladimir Putin’s state-sponsored militia of brainwashed teenage Internet hackers, known as “Nashis“ (named after an organic but very racist type of Russian breakfast cereal).

Well, after watching this special report on CNN, let me just say that I feel much safer now:

What. The. Fuck.

TWEEN: “Hey Mom, can I have like $60?”
MOM: “For what, dear?”
TWEEN: “There’s this really awesome show at the arena I want to see.”
MOM: “Now, you know how I feel about rock n’ roll…”
TWEEN: “It’s not a rock show, Mom.”
MOM: “Well, what is it then?”
TWEEN: “It’s Battlecry.”
MOM: “And what is this ‘Battlecry’?”
TWEEN: “Well it’s kind of like a rock show…”
MOM: “I don’t like the sooound of thiiiis.”
TWEEN: “…but instead of music, there’s this local news sportscaster guy, and he yells at everyone about how much Jesus hates abortions.”
MOM: “Oh, that sounds like fun.”
TWEEN: “Yeah! And fireworks go off. And there are these lunatics running around with flags. And every one’s crying and praying.” 
MOM: “Wow! Hand me my purse, we’re both going!” 
TWEEN: “Eeeew! Are you kidding me? I can’t go to Battlecry with my mom! That’s so embarrassing.”
MOM: “Why?”
TWEEN: “You had your chance, Mom! This is my war!”

Quick poll: Who would win an all out fight to the death? Battlecryers or Nashis?

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