Considering that 95% of my website is about how much I love Lil’ Wayne and how much I hate Hillary Clinton, it’s pretty clear that my two favorite non-pizza things in this world are hip-hop music and American politics. Nothing makes me more excited when these two things come together.

This story just hit the wires and it’s great:

Really 50? You can’t make up your mind?

I guess you don’t really have to be loyal to any one specific candidate when you’re…a convicted felon. He’s a felon, right? Isn’t that his “thing”? He better be! That’s why I bought his first album.

This is the best sentence in the article:

After hearing Obama’s stunning speech on race in America earlier this month, the rapper pulled what is now commonly known in political circles as a “Bill Richardson.”

Exactly. For those of you who don’t know, pulling a “Bill Richardson” is when you buy a bunch of stock in Vitamin Water, get caught snorting coke on Croatian television, and then grow an embarrassing beard.

50 Cent is the worst. I’d totally tell him that to his face.

Look, you guys! I just made this:

April fools! (I’m not that good at Garageband!)

Shocking news today. As reported by mediatakeout.com (a.k.a. “The Most Visited Black Website in the World” (a.k.a. my “homepage”)), actress/comedienne Mo’Nique has been accused by her ex-husband of taking, and even selling, cocaine. This was his quote:

Not only was [Mo'Nique] an avid marijuana user, but she also did cocaine. And what’s worse, she began making money dealing coke … [After we separated] Mo’Nique threatened my life! She said if I ever told anyone about her lifestyle, she’d hire someone to kill me.

This is how I think it went down:

Mo’Nique: “If you ever, and I mean EVER, tell anyone that I’m a fat disgusting slob with an overabundance of fraudulent self-confidence, I’ll hire someone to kill you.”
Mo’Nique’s ex-husband: “Yikes. I just asked you what you wanted on your pizza.”
Mo’Nique: “Oh, my bad! Could you ask them to put ten other pizzas on my pizza? Thanks.”

That’s actually a excerpt from the new Mo’Nique biopic I just wrote and directed. Here’s the poster:

It’s kind of homage to DiPalma’s classic, except re-done using the real-life story of Mo’Nique, who plays herself in the film. This is the basic plot: We see a young Mo’Nique (short for “More Unique”…just kidding, it means nothing) making her way through the biz, using her wit and heft to eventually take control of the UPN. Then one day, she buys a bunch of cocaine thinking it’s just very expensive powdered sugar. But, after her donuts do nothing but numb the inside of her mouth, Monique quickly realizes her mistake. She mixes the remaining cocaine with poison and sells it all back to a bunch of skinny bitches, who are all soon killed by the concoction (justly, in Monique’s opinion). She then takes the drug money and buys a ton (2000 lbs.) of regular, inexpensive powdered sugar and lives happily ever after. She also farts a lot. (The first draft was actually called ‘Fartface,’ but we went with ‘Scarf-face’ because Tyler Perry thought it made more sense because she scarfs so much food into her fat face.)

I think it’s going to be an awesome movie. Here’s a sneak preview:

Posted in Ass, Cuhcaine, Divorce, EEEEK, Fat, Food, Guts, Hollywood, Monsters | 1 Comment »